calling MiyaChan
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He's going to be my...What?!
Title (4/5)
Catchy title. I have no idea what so ever what this story is going to be about and yet I have a vague inkling as to what it will be about.
Poster/Trailer/Background (7/10)
No background or trailer. However the poster seems to follow the story very well. It looks lighthearted and angst free.
Description/Foreword (7/10)
Ah! The quotation description. I would prefer it if you actually create a description. And also, the genre kind of gave me the gist of the story. I would take that away if I were you, only because it gives away too much. There would be no surprise in the story!
Also, I know a lot of authors do this, but I absolutely do not enjoy reading through all the characters and profiles. It is more professional to actually integrate these personalities into the story, rather than a list of them. However, I can’t say anything about it since it’s just my preference.
The foreword should also be about the story. This is not the place to add your comments and pleas to subscribe. Change what you put in the description into the forward.
Plot: (6/10)
I couldn’t pay attention to the plot because of your grammar mistakes. They were so bad that I kept on focusing on them more than on the actually story. However, I was able to get a gist of the story plot. It’s not bad, just needs a lot more creativity and thought into it.
Originality: 3/10
Unfortunately, I had seen and read many stories like this before. I’m sure that you tried your best to make it creative and fun, but arranged marriages and rich ,but arrogant guys are overused. The girl is also too mary sue. (If you don’t know what that is http://www.ponylandpress.com/ms-test.html,
This link should help you figure it out. A way to make an unoriginal story better is to add in depth characters.
You didn’t have any.
Flow; 5/5
The story flowed really well, actually. Good job! I liked how there wasn’t any huge gaps in the story.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary (8/30)
Young Mi steps out her limo, she took a deep breath, a new school year, this year my senior year, she smiled, then she sees her best friend Shin Hye, “Young Mi-yah!” she hugs her best friend, “How was your summer vacation?” she asks.
You do realize that this is all one sentence, right? That should not be right. First, “Young Mi steps” is present but right after, “she took” is past. Keep your tenses together or else the story will get confusing. The sentence should be “Young Mi stepped out OF her limo AND she took a deep breath.” Also, “a new school year, this year my senior year, she smiled,” doesn’t make ANY sense. No offense, but this sentence is really bad. It should be something like…” It was a new school year, her senior year.” Is this a thought? Why did you suddenly change from third person to first person? If it is a thought, stick to italics to show the readers that it is a thought. “She smiled…” should be another sentence. “She sees” is present again. Stick to the past! So altogether, it should be, “She smiled, seeing her best friend Shine Hye SAY( I don’t know who is saying) “Young mi-yah!”. Also, DO not italicize dialogue. Quotations are plenty.
So if put together, the whole sentence should look like this:
Young MI stepped out of her limo and took a deep breath. A new school year, she thought,My senior year.
She smiled, seeing her best friend Shin Hey say, “Young Mi-yah!” before hugging her.
“How was your summer vacation?” she asked.
(Always start a new line when a dialogue begins.)
Her smile were as the wind gone, her eyes showed more scared, “A-arasso,” she stutters.
Um.. I don’t know if you are trying to be poetic… but it’s not working. I have no idea what “Her smile were as the wind gone” means. Are you trying to say that her smile disappeared just like the wind? If that is the case, you should write like: “Her smile was (were is plural. Smile is singular) gone like the wind.” Also, add an “and” after gone and her instead of a comma. Comma’s are used to connect things and phrases of sentences.
By the living room, they sat on the knees, Mi Cha sits next to Young Mi and L.Joe, she sips the tea, gross, “How is the tea?” asks L.Joe grandmother.
Should be “AT the living room, they sat on THEIR knees.” Then start another sentence, “Mi Chan SAT next to Young Mi and L.Joe.” Start another sentence. “She SIPPED the tea. Gross”
Separate line. “How is the tea?” ASKED L.Joe’S grandmother ( use apostrophe S to explain possession.)
It was night, Young Mi sleeps nicely, until she hears footsteps, she shove her door, she carefully peeks out, she sees Mi Cha and l.Joe walking outside, she decided to follow them, on her toes she carefully walks behind them, they sat in the living room.
Again, STOP USING COMMAS! Periods are your friends. “It was night”. Separate sentence. “Young mi SLEPT nicely until she HEARD footsteps.” Separate sentence. “She SHOVED her door, carefully PEEKED out AND SAW Mi Chan and L. Joe walking outside” Separate sentence. “She decided to follow them SO she carefully WALKED behind them ON HER TOES AS they sat in the living room.”
As you can tell, you have a lot of work to do. There are a bunch of more mistakes. In fact, I just randomly dragged my mouse on the page and copied and pasted. This means that almost every sentence in your story is flawed. Fix it. Edit as well. If you type on word, all of your sentences should be highlighted in green. Fix those.
I’m trying not to be mean. I am sorry if I was harsh. However there was just so many mistakes!
Writing Style (2/10)
You’re writing style was bland. It had no flow or rhythm to it. Fix your grammar, and you will have skills to expand and test your style as well.
Overall Enjoyment (4/10)
I didn’t enjoy the story much for many reasons. 1. Too unoriginal. I’ve already read these types of fics many times. Change it up a bit by adding funky characters or witty dialogue. 2. It was boring. There was no action in it. 3. GRAMMAR MISTAKES!!! WORK ON IT!!!
Total Score: 46 /100%
reviewer's note: Sorry for taking too long. I wanted to read it all before I gave you my critique.
reviewed by: susanyuenkim
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