I Am Just Another Bystander

a. Title (3/5)
Title was alright. It wasn’t very catchy, but it gave me an idea of what the story was gonna be about.

b. Poster & Background & Trailer (9/10)
I liked the black and white tones. They gave the poster a solemn look about it.


c. Description & Foreword (7/10)
Description was fine, but I thought your foreword was a bit cluttered. I say this in most of my reviews, but I don’t think it’s necessary to give a detailed description of your characters in the foreword. The reader should find out things about the character by reading the story and having a ‘characters’ section in your story takes the fun out of discovering the character’s personalities and developments.


d. Plot (10/10)
I will give you full points ‘cause I think you know where you want to take this story.


e. Originality (6/10)
It’s a bit typical, but then a lot of high school fics are typical. If you explore with character development however, I think you can create an intricate story.


f. Flow (4/5)
Story’s developing pretty well. It’s neither too slow nor too fast.

g. Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary (26/30)
Minor errors here and there. 

h. Writing Style (5/10)
Your writing is a bit stale. Since the story’s set in the first person POV, you should try to make it so that your writing has a voice, because right now, your narrator sounds like an automaton. Try to imagine how a high school girl would narrate her story. What kind of narrator is she? Is she solemn? Is she perky? Is she easily distracted?



i. Overall Enjoyment (6/10)
To be honest, the plot didn’t hook me in at all. I think it was because the narrative was so stale that it made the story seem boring (which I don’t think it is). This is why you have to give your voice a writing.


Total - 76/100

reviewer: indielokimin