She's my crybaby, I'm her boyfriend

Title (2/5)

It was fine but it was not that attractive for me. Also, I suggest you erase the period at the last 'I'm her boyfriend.' and change it to an exclamation mark instead or nothing. However, I gave you two marks since I find it slightly cute especially the word 'crybaby'. Just cute, but lame.

Poster & Background & Trailer (10/10)

The poster is so awesome! It's simple yet, I admire it like that! The colors are adjusted well; it would definitely draw readers in!

 Description & Foreword (4/10)

Do you want the readers to know who said that and this? If so, don't confuse them with the colors. I mean, stick with the color coding. For Jonghyun, when it is his line, it's pink and for the OC is sky blue. That's what I noticed.

However, it's a bit confusing. Look at this:

She's my Crybaby,

She's my girlfriend,(this time, don't put a comma. Put a period.)

I love her,

He's my boyfriend, (Let's say this directly. To make it look better, add a period in every last two part) (Also, the way you said this part isn't wrong at all but since you put a color coding, then you should give the colors their owners. Stick to Jonghyun with the blue part and OC with the pink color or Jonghyun the pink and OC the blue. So I won’t get confused who said that. I mean, you don't need it to be in order like 'blue, blue. Pink, pink. Blue, blue. Pink. Blue.' Not that!)

I love him,

I need him,

I need her,

Miss crybaby,

Mr Boyfriend. (Add a point after Mr; it can't be just like that. When we call a Mr., there’s always a point.)

Instead of that, write it like this:

She's my Crybaby,

She's my girlfriend.

I love her.

He's my boyfriend,

I love him.

I need him.

I need her.

Miss crybaby.

Mr. Boyfriend.

As for your foreword, I can already see a couple of mistakes that made your story unappealing in some way (if the reader is choosy when it comes to grammar), I think.

Let's go toChoi Mi Young. 1. She likes dancing (not 'like dancing'. That sounds just inappropriate.) 2. She knew Minho for two years (not know Minho for 2 years...)

Kim Jonghyun. 1. A member of the band/group 'SHINee'. 2. Handsome and Talented. 3. A protective person (so when he hugs any girls, they would feel protected by him. According to girl's review.)

Choi Minho. 1. He is like a brother to Choi Min Young. (Okay, so sometimes...some words just can’t stand alone.)

Kwon Euh Mi. 1. Mi Young's Bestie (Best Friend). 2. She may appear in later chapters.

That's all.

Overall, your description wasn't catchy as I did not see it attractive. There was nothing interesting that made me be at the edge of my seat.

Plot (5/10)

The plot is not the best but I gave you five marks still. It was fine, it was funny and I did enjoy it but with a really small enjoyment. It's just that, the plotline keeps coming back but with new characters... It's always used, why isn’t there any other different plot? The plot is also unbelievable. I don't like it, maybe make it more believable, slow it a little bit, give some chemistry between the two leads, don't make SHINee that playboy boys type who winks at strangers.

Change a  new first meeting, something interesting like MiYoung and the SHINee band crashed MiYoung's car and they sent her to the hospital and there! The fans had gone wild because the girl is too pretty for SHINee to take care of. I have weird imaginations and to be a great author, you have to have new and unique...and weirder but believable imaginations.

Just saying, add creativity, drama, flashbacks, something more interesting.

Originality (3/10)

A crybaby, a hot guy fall in love. It's common. Actually, I like cliché a bit but sometimes I wish an author added more creativity not just auditions, leaving, going to the airport, being beaten up by a star's fan. It's all been used a lot of times that I can't even count, or I lost count of. At least you gave a little drama in this one. What I don't like is the way their first meeting sounds lame and not romantic at all.

Flow (1/5)

Way to fast. The first part, SHINee arrived and Jonghyun (that hot star everyone liked) instantly started winking at a stranger! Not just that, a girl? What are the fans going to say now? LOL He just obviously looked like a playboy in your story but a part of SHINee when he's not supposed to wink at random girls but only smile at them. Fast it is, too rushed, nothing romantic happened. They just started falling in love because he's handsome, she's cute. And by chapter 3, he says he will come fetch her? That is too fast. How can feelings like that developed too fast? I don't like the way it is too fast, especially because I saw nothing romantic at all. The two had romantic feelings in a glimpse!

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary (8/30)

I found a lot of mistakes and honestly, I think it's all so childish. No offence.

I'm just going to show some for you.

Here's what you wrote.

Today , the day went normal , Opps , forget to introduce myself ! I am choi mi young , youngest in the family , in fact, i am not older too , i am the only kid here ! Yes , i study at Nanhwa high school! I am a crybaby, yes , simply a little thing can make me cry. Need not have to be some sad story to make me cry , a simple thing , like a pencil fall on the ground , i will surely cry and say "oh god , why have you fall?" Yes, people call me crybaby , but i do like to cry... Ok , so talking about me ... Let's go to school shall we? Let's go?!

My note about it is, how can she be the only kid in a School? Maybe you meant she is the youngest or she's the only childish one? Because the way she was talking in her point of view, she just sounded so childish. And if you mean a child, just say she's a child. But how old is she? She's a teenager, she's not a kid of 10 years of age right? So, don't say she's the only kid here. Maybe she's childish, or really (if she's 10 years of age or below) she's a child or just the youngest among the others. And also, she didn't need to say 'in fact, i am not older too' because she already said she's the youngest.

So, here is a better way of writing the first paragraph. I suggest you to do so but my words aren't that great, just average.

I am Choi Mi Young, the youngest in my family. I am studying in Nanhwa High School. Students there call me a 'crybaby' because I cry even at the littlest thing. Not only sad stories, but also simple things like when my pencil falls onto the ground, I would start tearing up and whimper 'Oh God, why did you have to fall?' Yes, they call me a crybaby. Nevertheless, I love crying. Well, enough about me. Let's go head to school, shall we?

The second paragraph in Chapter 1 is wrong too. I also suggest you erase the second Miyoung's P.O.V. because it's already stated in the first that it is MiYoung's. So, for the second paragraph...Instead of writing it the way you did, might as well check my corrections below:

When I reached school, I found several girls waiting for someone at the main gate. I couldn't stop pondering who was coming to our school. Until I decided to wait along with those girls and finally, we found a car coming and we watched it make their way at the car park. My eyes widened in disbelief when I saw five boys, all of them looked so hot especially the shortest among them.

Choi Minho! Isn't it him?

Oh my God, now that short guy is staring at me! I need to cool down! But he winked at me again. He's so handsome! His mother must be so lucky to have such a handsome son. Girls were staring at the boy who was eating a chicken wing. He looks like the oldest among all of them. Also, he's not cute like that guy. What's their name? Hmm, I should ask. I approached a girl and asked, "Hey student A , what is their name?"

"Oh , the one eating chicken is Onew Real name is Lee Jin Ki. The second one who is very tall is name Choi Min Ho. The middle one who is fixing his hair is Key, real name is Kim Ki Bum. The one who is shortest among all of them is Kim Jonghyun. His nickname is DINO, so cute. Lastly, the one who is hugging a banana teddy bear is Lee Tae Min , he's the youngest." She replied.

"Wah ,it seems like you know them a lot?"

"Of course! They are SHINee from SMEnt company, they are quite famous now. I didn't know that they would come here and study ! Now I can see them every day!"

 Ohh , Kim Jong Hyun! Nice name ! He is so hot! OMO OMO  ! He's winking at me again !

See the difference? So, I found a lot more major mistakes. Each chapter had 'mistakes' but it would take time for me to correct them. If you want me to, just let me know. You had a low mark here, you still need practice and I encourage you to practice more. Read more, and check 'Grammar Tipsy' here on AFF. It's a tutorial for grammars and I'm sure it'll help you. Like what I said first, read more, see the difference of their writing style from yours. Yours is kind of messy, but you can still work it out. I also suggest do not put too many colors. Only a few readers like colorful fonts, you know? You still have marks in here though, for the effort you had given.

Writing Style (2/10)

Cuteness. But you're using a style in a wrong way. I know, it's cute. Just by the point of views, it makes me think as if the character is videotaping him or her and talking to the camera saying 'Let's go to school, shall we? Let's go?!'. I find it very funny and cute, yes. And obviously, that is not the way to write a novel. And the different POV's?  Two points of view are enough in my opinion.

Suggestions:

* Do not put too many '..................' That is just sickening.

* Having too many Korean languages is not a problem. But with your writing style being like that, like an own televised point of view... The words 'Ne, Omo' and something else doesn't seem fit.

* Having one paragraph per point of view. Might at least give space after someone talks like:

"Hi," I said.

"Hello," she replied in a cute voice.

So there, you earn two paragraphs.

* HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA <- That doesn't look good. I mean, no one writes that much 'Ha-ha' in a novel.

* Capitalization. I'm going to show something I got on the internet, the uses (how) of caps.

The first word of every sentence. (ex. Winning means fate and fortune. [It shouldn't be in small letters like 'winning means fate and fortune' reason that it's the first word of a sentence.)

The first-person singular pronoun, I. (ex. I am Katniss. [It shouldn't be 'i am Katniss'])

Specific persons and things; places : Peeta Mellark, District 12, Panem.

Specific geographical locations: "Panem is a Capitol surrounded by twelve districts."

Days of the week, months, holidays. Do not, however, capitalize the names of seasons (spring, summer, fall, autumn, winter).

* If you want a style like that: a person talking as if she is videotaping herself, then check out the book 'Static: Flight 29 Down'. Although, there were only a few parts where the lead guy, Nathan, was taping himself, talking in the plane about what's happening, how he is doing and etc. With better grammar, yours can be as good as that book 'Flight 29 Down'.

* Don't use 'lemme' for 'let me'. It doesn't suit, it's not good to use that especially if this is for a novel. Use the proper one : Let me (ex. Let me chat with him.)

* Sometimes the paragraph is in Italics, and sometimes it's not. That shouldn't be. If you want to use the italics, then use it for the flashbacks if there is any.

* Use the right tenses. Past tense is past tense. Present tense is present tense! Examples:

Wrong (at chapter 12) :Is they coming for Audition also?

Correct: Are they coming for the audition?

* There were still more But please, figure it out yourself.

Basically, I don't like your writing style but I don't want to waste your effort.

Overall Enjoyment (4/10)

I enjoyed but not wholly. It could have been better I guess. But do not be saddened with the result because you have to improve so you have had read everything I wrote and so I hope you have learned something and use that knowledge to have a better story and grammar.

Total Score: 39/100%

reviewed by: sususco123