Finally some free time ... for 2min to go to a hotel

Title (2/5)

Wow… Where do I start? For one, your title is long. Short, simple titles are what people look for, something that draws their attention in instantly. Long titles are quite annoying sometimes. Second, a common and important rule in English capitalization, you must capitalize every work within a title that is deemed as “important” to the content of the story. Therefore, I would’ve expected the title to be presented as so: “Finally Some Free Time ... for 2min to go to a Hotel.” And may I add, that ellipsis (…) in the middle of the title is seriously unnecessary. Lastly, I just hated this title. It gave away a lot of the story and it’s just not a fitting title. It’s its own summary; a title’s job is to reel in readers, not give away the story. It was a disappointing title.

Poster/Trailer/Background (3/10)

It’s a picture. What can I say? I like that picture, yes; and the quality is amazing, great. But it has nothing to do with the story other than the fact that Minho and Taemin are the main characters. Background? None. What more can I say? Along with a disappointing title, you’ve absolutely no designs for this fic. It’s bland. Quite frankly, because it’s a oneshot, I don’t see the point of making a poster and background—the picture was enough; but if you get your fic reviewed, make it pretty. You know we’re going to grade the appearance too.

Description/Foreword (3/10)

The first word that came to mind when I saw the description: short. Really, it’s quite an overused “description.” It really didn’t tell us anything about the story that the title didn’t already. Also, the emoticon at the end was unnecessary. I really didn’t like the description; it’s disappointing. Also, the foreword was entirely an A/N. Please indicate that. Forewords and Descriptions are more or less likely to be used for the prologue and summary of a story; however, many people use it as an A/N as well. It’s wise to indicate your Author’s Notes because I’ve seen a story where the prologue/summary is in first point of view and I thought it was an A/N until I read further on. Don’t confuse your readers, dear.

Plot (2/10)

Plot? I really didn’t sense one. I sensed pure , which you stated in your A/N in the foreword. Though oneshots aren’t usually long, a plot is still required unless it’s a PWP, in my opinion. It was underdeveloped. I would’ve liked to see more than just getting right to it. The atmosphere of the story was more like going through a routine than having a night alone with your lover. The aura wasn’t correct in this story.

Originality (1/10)

There are a ton of stories that are exactly like this. I must’ve read at least twenty altogether that had the same events. For originality, a twist that no one would expect or something uncommon within that pairing or that setting would’ve made it more original. To slap a trademark in writing on your story, a specific happening, that would’ve been original. Keep that in mind for the future.

Flow (2/5)

It was not at the best speed. It made me sleepy, but not because it was slow, but because it seemed to rote. It’s the basic line of gay : , nibbling, , , , screaming, and sweet lovey dovey words that make you want to either puke rainbows or melt in fluff. The flow was stiff, in other words.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary (10/30)

My first complaint actually has nothing to do with the words itself, but with the way you ordered them. You had many paragraphs. It seemed unnecessary to have so many paragraphs. A paragraph is used for sentences that pertain to a specific topic. One does not simply begin to talk about unicorns, stops after two sentences, start a new paragraph, but continue to talk about unicorns. That’s not how it works. For a more practical example, Here in your story it says:

“Due to their busy schedule…one or two days off.

Next paragraph:
“And now, said time arrived, they had two days off…”

If those two sentences (by the way, the first sentence was the entire “paragraph” and that is very unprofessional because paragraphs are supposed to be at least five sentences unless it is being used for emphasis on a specific subject), pertained to the same subject, being the two days off, why are they in two different paragraphs? It bothers me because when I started the second paragraph, I was wondering why we were still on the topic of the first paragraph.

Okay, second complaint actually did have to do with the usage of your words. Near the beginning of your story, you wrote:

“Minho almost – almost – pouted but controlled himself soon enough.”

For one, that’s too much emphasis. To put the same word twice, especially if the second word is identical without any indication that a firmer tone had been applied, is quite unnecessary. Second, that’s a lousy way to express emphasis. Usually emphasis is expressed by italics, but bolding (or bold facing) and underlining works just as well. Some people use a combination of the two. I would’ve preferred if you’d just put one “almost” and italicized it.
Third, there are two cases in which you have forgotten to put a space between words. It just so happens that it’s next to the name Minho. Below are the two cases:

“Minholooked…”

“Minhoshuddered.”

Please fix those.

Moving on, I’m really curious as to what you mean by “a blessed expression.” The first thing that popped into my mind was Choi Siwon. During , I do not expect one to have a “blessed expression.” Perhaps a different phrase would’ve worked. “Ecstatic expression” is a suggestion; or “blissful.” Blessed is just weird.

Those are most of my complaints, except for a couple spelling errors near the end of the story, such as:

“dup” which should be “dip.”

And “git” which should be “get.”

Writing Style (3/10)

To be frank, I don’t like your writing style. The words you find in this fic are the same you find in most amateur oneshots. The basic actions apply as well. The writing was quick and wasn’t very descriptive, void of emotions and of basic surrounding depictions. I don’t know what the hotel room looks like still. Not to mention that the usual words uttered between a couple were also written, such as “You’re beautiful” and “What do you want?” It’s the usual teasing and compliments.

Overall Enjoyment (2/10)

I didn’t like it. It was unoriginal, rote, and void of any real emotions. I felt no sincerity. To me, it feels as if you were writing this knowing that you were going to have it judged. It did not impress me. It played completely on the safe side. This story was completely generic in the genre of “ in a hotel with my lover after months.” Despite the fact that these two haven’t had any ual for three months, as you’ve stated, they seem excited, but not to the extent where they would nearly anywhere. There’s no passion. Were there to be lust and passion within their actions, almost making them ty, this fic would’ve been slightly more interesting, but then again, not everyone rolls that way with . But to say that 2Min had been craving for three months, wouldn’t they be a bit more eager? My advice would be to study the art of (that sounds weird) and to study emotions. And by studying the art of , I don’t mean it in the technical way in which you understand what goes where; I mean to study on how it feels and under which spots make a person writhe with desire and lust. Good luck!

Total Score: 28/100%

reviewed by: Star_Sarang