Going Crazy

Title (2/5)

The title really didn't catch my attention and if  I were looking for one-shot to read, I wouldn't really click on this. It's just that it sounds exactly like the MV and usually I don't like stories with the same title of an MV because I always get this feeling that it's the same with the MV without even adding more heartbreak or sense to make it a little less like the MV.

On the other hand, it was okay, simple and plain. I love the MV and being it the same title with your one-shot, you get two marks from me.

Poster & Background & Trailer (6/10)

The poster looks cool. I love the font choice most especially. It's just that the background which has a different color with the OC and L.Joe's picture doesn't look nice in my eyes. I think it could have been better if it didn't look black and white or at least the trees to be different. Better if the maker of the poster put an eraser tool at the edges of L.Joe and OC's picture. So basically, this wasn't the best poster, it's just simple.

Description & Foreword (7/10)

I think it's funny how it is said "I am driving crazy because of you", like L.Joe is driving like a crazy mad man. It's not wrong, but at first glance I might think that way. Make it something like this instead "I am going crazy because of you" or "You are driving me crazy".

Other than that, it was really short. Two sentences don’t look enough for me.

Plot (5/10)

The plot is too common. It wasn’t fun anymore, since it was too predictable. I hate some parts most especially, L.Joe’s way of confession. Even for a one-shot, it should be more romantic than it was in the MV version. When he told JiEun ‘Do you want to be my girlfriend?’ ,I thought ‘Wow. That was lame and straightforward.”

Being straightforward is good but I don’t really think that it would be any better if that is the way to ask out  girl or court a girl. Don’t you think? Other than that, this one is really okay since it’s just a one-shot version of an MV.

I don’t like the characters here. No offence, I love L.Joe but really…Being a straightforward and unromantic person doesn’t help. I love Jieun here because she surprises me with appearing behind L.Joe after not answering his courting question, she just started saying those sweet things to him and then TADA! They started kissing.

Originality (3/10)

It’s totally overused. From the title to the plot. It’s like you copied the MV. I don’t really care if you did but even so, you should have added at least a little more drama and creativity to make it interesting.

Flow (5/5)

Since it’s a one-shot, I’m giving you full marks. It was a short story anyway.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary (17/30)

It was fine but I saw mistakes and I think I should point it out this time. However, I'm only correcting some words, changing some words, replacing punctuations but I won’t be adding unique and deep words or sentences.

Final Chapter/1:

Since morning, L.Joe had already stalking Jieun.

- Early in the morning, L.Joe had already been stalking Jieun.

Where ever she is, he'll be there at the moment.

- Wherever she is, he'd always be there.

L.Joe had decided since the past few days, that he would confess at the right time. (You don't need the comma, just delete it)

- L.Joe had decided since the past few days that he would confess at the right time.

Confess his feelings towards her that he had kept since years past.

-To confess his feelings towards her that he had been keeping since the past few years.

Jieun walked step by step, slowly, enjoying the cool breeze around her.

- Jieun walked slowly as she was enjoying the cool breeze around her.

"Jieun-ah," she heard someone called her out of her daydreaming beside the beautiful riverside.

- "Jieun-ah," someone called her out of her daydreaming beside the beautiful riverside.

L. Joe took a step closer to her, taking a breath, "Jieun-ah. Do you want to be my girlfriend?"

- L. Joe took a step closer to her, taking a deep breath. "Jieun-ah, do you want to be my girlfriend?"

But, she bit her lower lip, giving a 'no' to L. Joe.

- However, she just bit her bottom lip as if saying 'no' to L. Joe.

her answer just isn't as what he expected.

- her answer just wasn't what he had expected.

He peered group, "Did you guys plan this with her?"

- He peered at his group members, "Did you guys plan this with her?"

Teen Top just raised their shoulders.

-Teen Top just shrugged.

"How could we know? We even don't know that you're going to confess."

- "How would we know? We didn't even know that you were going to confess."

Chunji casually rubbed his back of his neck.

- Chunji casually rubbed the back of his neck.

He fastened his run.

- He ran faster.

He wasn't too fast to catch her up.

- He wasn't fast enough to catch her up.

Teen Top was at the game station.

- When Teen Top was at the game station.

They hi-fived themselves as they won the game.

- They hi-fived each other once they won the game.

To his notice, he had arrived Gongju, he scanned the person around him, he was right, Jieun did made a stop at Gongju.

- (Don't use too much comma when some sentences can stand alone.) He snapped out when he noticed he had arrived to Gongju. He looked around, searching for Jieun. He was right, Jieun did stop by Gongju.

But she entered the bus and sat on the behind, enjoying the music she heard from the headphone she was wearing.

- Then she entered the bus and sat at the back, enjoying the music on the headphone she was wearing.

L. Joe stared the beautiful view from the rooftop where Jieun had brought him to.

- L. Joe stared at the beautiful view of the city from the rooftop where Jieun had brought him to before.

L. Joe turned to see a person he loved, smiling.

- L. Joe turned to see the person he loves, smiling.

a big grin soon to appear on his face

- a big grin appeared on his face.

hugged her afterwards.

- and hugged her afterwards.

This is the great chance

- This is my chance. (You don’t really need the word 'great'. It sounds better with 'this is my chance' rather than the first one.)

Jieun felt she's coloring up.

- (That doesn't really make sense unless she's painting or whatever) Jieun blushed/ Jieun's face turned red.

L Joe's just centimeters away from him.

- it's not him, it's 'her'. We do make mistakes like that, so don't worry. Also, it could have been: L.Joe was just inches away from her.

Soon, the both of them kissing each together, under the black beautiful starry night.

- The two of them kissed each other under the beautiful starry night. (No need for the word 'black'. It's obvious it's dark or night time because of the words 'starry night' isn't it?)

At the last part, I suggest you delete "still kissing under the...etc." and just stick with their thoughts saying 'This is one of the best days of my entire life'.

So, see the difference?

Writing Style (5/10)

From the past one-shot I reviewed which were also yours; I think you had a better writing style here. I was too easy before that I gave you fine scores like 75 when it could have been lesser. Not that it was bad, just that, it's not good enough and I thought I should not give low grades because it was only a one-shot. But now I realized that every grade should be the same one-shot or multi-shot. So honestly, your writing style here is better than your other one-shot. The downfalls are your vocabulary, it lagged, punctuations missing, wrong use of punctuations when it shouldn't be there but it was, sentences that can stand on their own and cannot stand on their own (some were wrong), repetitive words and the use of * for the thoughts. 

Overall Enjoyment (5/10)

Because this was just the same with the Going Crazy MV of Teentop, I didn't enjoy it so much. It was all the same and even if this is a one-shot, add something different. I see you got inspired by the MV, reason that you wrote this...It is not that good as it was good in the MV. Instead of searching for her from the rooftop, just let him search for her from the tower, the bridge or whatsoever. I'm just saying that it was most likely like an imitation of the MV and I really didn't like it that much.

Total Score: 55/100%

reviewed by: sususco123