Sacrifice For An Angel

Title (4/5)
I quite liked the title. It seems like the type of story I’d want to click on if I saw it on the front page, just from the title. Good job. :)

Poster & Background & Trailer(8/10)
First: No trailer, so no marks deducted. And I really like the poster! The dead tree seems to be symbolising to me that the angel of the tree is gone. Since to Kwangmin that tree was ‘her’ tree, after she’s gone it’s almost as if the tree’s dead, right? So the dead tree there was very well done. And the girl looking downwards is like she’s an angel looking down from heaven, so that’s well done too. And if you look carefully to her left side (our right side) , there seems to be white parts jarring outwards slightly. Those look like ‘wings’ to me, and thus further make her seem like an angel. The only part I docked marks for was the background. On the left side, it’s all very well with the title and author’s name and everything, but on the right side I can’t really see the full image of what it’s supposed to be, unless I zoom out. (then I can see it’s a picture of Kwangmin and a girl kind of transparent in front of a tree. That’s good though, so I didn’t dock many marks for it. It’s just kind of annoying.)

Description & Foreword(7/10)
The description isn’t really a description of the story to me, it kinda tells the full story (sans the ending of it with Kwangmin dying). Though, you got the whole description and foreword thing the right way round, (even if what you wrote for the foreword is more like a preface, but then again aff doesn’t exactly give us a preface option), so marks for you on that one. The description still kinda sounds a bit iffy to me, doesn’t exactly sound like the sort of description that would really draw me in and make me want to read it, but meh.

Plot(8/10)
It’s really only got one chapter since it’s a oneshot, so I didn’t deduct you really any marks for lack of plot movement. But it’s so sad… And you’re lucky you chose a reviewer who’s a er for sad stories. T_T

Originality(7/10)
It’s not that original to have the person die while they’re crossing the road, walking towards their loved ones, so a few marks deducted. And the whole fangirls being super violent and erted is not that original either, so another few marks deducted. But climbing up a tree to escape from fangirls and meet a treetop angel? (Seriously reminds me of Christmas when I say it like that XD) Never seen that one before. So you got an extra mark for that one ;)

Flow (3/5)
The flow is fine, overall. Though at times it seems a little bit more rushed than I would like, but then again that’s just me, and I like it when there’s a lot of detail in what I am reading or writing. Your English also kind of makes it a little less flowy at times, but I understand since Engilsh isn’t exactly your first language.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary(18/30)
{He’s an outgoing person so its obvious girls would run to him, does something like that, and I didn’t really completely believe it.}
Should be: [[He’s an outgoing person so it’s* (apostrophe. ‘its’ is ownership) obvious girls would run to him and* do something like that. I didn’t really completely believe it.]]
{We have our manager, our reckless manager who busies himself OUT the boarding school. He doesn’t even care, so do I.}
Should be: [[We have our manager, our reckless manager who busies himself OUT OF* the boarding school. He doesn’t even care, so neither* do I.]]
{They could have told our manager then, but why aren’t they?}
Should be: [[They could have told our manager then, but why didn’t* they?]] (Just a tense problem. Keep it all in past tense or all in present tense, don’t switch around in one sentence)

{I never believed any word he says. The way he looks weak as well as Donghyun, Jeongmin, Hyunseong and Minwoo.}
Should be: [[I never believed a* word he said. (once again, tenses.) The way he looks weak,* (comma, otherwise the sentence runs on a little bit) as well as Donghyun, Jeongmin, Hyunseong and Minwoo.]]
{So I decided to come out and check.}
Should be: [[So I decided to go* out and check.]] (come out sounds somewhat like you are already outside)
{, Girls.}
Should be [[. Girls.]]
{I managed to gulped}
Should be: [[I managed to gulp.]] (No need for ‘gulped’ when you already have ‘managed’)
{The girl replied in a whisper as she tugged her hand at my belt, I felt Goosebumps all over me.}
Should be: [[The girl replied in a whisper as her hand* tugged at my belt. I felt goosebumps all over me.]] (‘as she tugged her hand at my belt’ sounds like her hand is there, and she’s tugged at her hand. And it sounds better when you split it into two sentences. Another option is: [[The girl replies in a whisper. As her hand tugged at my belt, I felt goosebumps all over me.]])
{I climbed up at the tree top}
Should be: [[I climbed up to* the tree top]]
{I came back at the tree top when I had asked permission to God to give me a chance to live again.}
Should be: [[I came back to* the tree top when I had asked permission from* God to give me a chance to live again.]]
{I was about to step forward but he did the step first. He cross the road, I waited for his hug}
Should be: [[I was about to step forward, but he took the first step.* He crossed the road and I waited for his hug]]
{his finger flinched a bit and I couldn’t stop but ran to him, bent over and hugged him.}
Should be : [[his finger flinched a bit and I could help* but to run to him, bend over and hug him.]] (tenses again. I know that tenses are often the most difficult for foreigners, so it’s okay)
{“I’m able to touch you like this, I’m thankful that, I’m able to do something for you, Goodbye ~~~~. I’ll see you someday.”}
Should be: [[“I’m able to touch you like this. I’m thankful that (don’t need comma) I’m able to do for you. Goodbye ~~~~. I’ll see you again* someday.]] (okay so technically you don’t need the again, but I just thought it sounds better, so I won’t dock you any marks for that. Just a suggestion.)

Writing Style(6/10)
Your writing style isn’t really my type. I don’t like the whole ‘this colour is whatever person’s thoughts’ and whatnot, but I suppose a lot of people do it so I won’t dock too many marks there.
I also think it would’ve made your story a lot better if you used a lot more descriptive words, but I suppose English isn’t your first language, so one step at a time.

Overall Enjoyment(7/10)
I really enjoyed this one, actually. I’m a er for sad stories, and I quite liked this one. The only thing that got to me sometimes was a bit of a grammar problem or something, but overall, quite good!

Total Score : 68/100%

reviewed by: daiamegafuru