A White Christmas

a. Title (5/5)

• The title is good. It’s not cliché for me. It’s simple and straight to the point plus it’s not long.

b. Poster & Background & Trailer (9/10)

• I love the poster. It doesn’t distract me from reading the rest of your story. It’s not too bright and not too dull. A perfect color combination which gives a Christmas feeling.

• The background was the same as the poster. You should’ve at least used a different picture but that’s just my opinion.

c. Description & Foreword (2/10)

• The description didn’t really give readers what they have to expect. You just gave a one sentence or rather a quotation which didn’t make sense to me. The description should at least describe the story so the readers would know what to expect or you can foreshadow the whole story with some play of words or a question instead.

• The foreword only said about Christmas. Too little information to none. It didn’t help since the title already covered about the season already.

c. Plot (7/10)

• Plot is good but it could’ve been better. I can’t say much about the plot since it’s the author’s creativity to make plots that will entice the reader’s attention. This definitely caught mine. Kudos for that!

d. Originality (8/10)

• I don’t know about other people but this is original for me. Though I must say it felt as if you combined two different plots into one thus making a whole new story which is good.

e. Flow (3/5)

• The flow is just right from the beginning up until the middle part but it felt as if the ending is rushed.

f. Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary (10/30)

• I’m not a grammar nazi so I’m not going to point every mistake you make, just the first ones I spotted.

• The grammar is good except for tenses where you had mistaken. For example:

“I wished I could spend the first day with snow with her”

It should’ve been:

“I wish I could spend the first day of snow with her”

• Punctuation. Here I want to scream at you for placing too many commas instead of placing a period. Yes you give the readers time to breathe but pausing a lot of times is frustrating. For example:

I was walking on the streets, when it began to snow, my footsteps left marks on the white carpet, and I heard the snow crunching under my shoes.

It could’ve been written like this:

I was walking down the streets when it began to snow. My footsteps left marks on the white carpet making crunching sounds beneath me

Aside from that, you should’ve used an ellipsis (…) rather than (..). It’s much more professional looking.

• Vocabulary is vague. Is it not your first language? If not, I understand because I’m struggling with the same dilemma but if it is I suggest you read your dictionary more often.

g. Writing Style (6/10)

• I can’t say I like your writing style because you try to over use your adjectives. You could always make a more endearing progress throughout the story by “showing” what you wanted to express. For example:

A little smile was formed on my lips when I remembered how she cried and fell in to my arms when I surprised her with the ring,

It could’ve been written like this:

A small smile formed on my lips as I reminisce the way she looked when I showed her the ring. Those tear-stricken eyes which left me a glow as her hand covered in mere benevolence. Her slender arms made their way around me in almost lightning speed I could’ve missed if it wasn’t for the fact her body was so close to mine.

See what I mean? There are other ways of expressing this said line creatively but of course it’s how authors unleash their inner lion.

h. Overall Enjoyment (10/10)

• Truly remarkable. I’m not much of a fan of Leeteuk’s but your story, though a little cliché in some parts makes me miss Christmas. I hope my suggestions and opinions were helpful to you. Do not be let down and keep improving yourself. Hope to see you more in this shop. :)

Total Score :  60/100%

reviewed by: nytslyer03