Pretentious

Title (2/5)

I really like the title. It had a nice ring, is short, and is pretty advanced vocabulary. It’s not a word that most people use for a title. I would give more points for this if not for the fact that in the application, you put “untitle,” which leads me to believe that you did not think of a name until after you had done the application.

Unfortunately, the word “untitle” is not a real word. It is “untitled” or “entitle” (as corrected by my autocorrect Word document.) You’ve confused me, so I took of points; simple as that. Secondly, I don’t think you understand what “pretentious” means. Pretentious is a synonym for pompous, exaggerated, or stuck-up (in a way). It’s an adjective used to describe one who is full of pride, self confident, arrogant, and purposely shows off. In my opinion, I don’t think that was what you were going for, considering that Sungjong had a “haunted past.”

Poster/Trailer/Background (7/10)

I like the poster. It has mystery and murder locked up in it, but isn’t Sunggyu telling this story? Therefore, he’s a main character, but why isn’t he on the poster? Also, I don’t think the word pretentious goes well with this poster. It’s a bit pompously elegant for the blood splatter. I also like the background. It blends well with the poster.

Description/Foreword (5/10)

Though I loved the description because it was so unique in introducing the character, I found a lot of English mistakes that I should really save for the English section, so I will. That’s partially why I took off points, but I also took off points because the last seven lines bother me. It’s unnecessary to that much emphasis and to separate each line. For one, apart, the lines are just phrases. Second, it’s just so many lines. Highlight the main parts, not the entire sentence. Otherwise, I really liked your description and foreword. It certainly will reel in readers, but I also think that it’s too generic when a character has a “haunting past.”

Plot (9/10)

I like the plot. It’s different and not something you would expect. However, it’s a bit farfetched. There’s no explanation of why they were kidnapped in the first place and it’s not clear. I hope you’ll reveal more of their kidnapping later.

Originality (10/10)

I think this story is very original. It’s unique to see idols kidnapped and then back to idols and forgetting their past events. It’s very interesting and I hope it stays original.

Flow (4/5)

The way you write is a bit choppy, but otherwise, the flow is chronological. It’s not smooth, but it’s the way you’d go through your day. It’s lifelike.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary (10/30)

Ah~ I’m sorry to say that your grammar is horrible, but your vocabulary and spelling are spot on! Punctuation—I don’t see much of a problem with it; nothing major that it. A couple grammar mistakes I caught will be stated below.
First, there’s “And we gonna to find out....”
For one, if one were to write this formally, it’d be written, “And we are going to find out…”
But considering that you used “gonna” I’m guessing you were going for, “And we’re gonna find out…”
Secondly, there was, “From outside, he looks just like any normal teenager, shine, cheerful with smile always in the face.”
My problem was with the “shine” part. This is a not a correct way to use “shine.” Shine is a verb or noun, but you’re trying to use it as an adjective. Perhaps the word “bright’ is what you were looking for, as a synonym to “shine.”
Lastly, there’s, “Put down the dagger or we blown your friend head.”
First, you’re using “blown” in the past tense when it should be present, so it’s “blow.” You have the possessive “your” correct, but “friend” needs a possessive too; so it should be “friend’s head.”
There are more mistakes within your story, most of which are grammatical errors, but I’ll only list these ones for now.

Writing Style (4/10)

I don’t really like your writing style. It’s choppy, vague, and scattered. It’s also very abrupt and changes scenarios quickly.

Overall Enjoyment (2/10)

I thought the story was unique and cool, but it didn’t really capture my attention easily. It was hard to stay focused, but once I got to reading, it was pretty good. You’re an awesome writer; just brush up on your grammar skills.

Total Score: 53/100%

reviewed by: Star_Sarang