My Dad is your BOSS?!

a. Title (3/5)
The title is interesting, but it really didn’t fit in the story, especially the punctuation marks. She already knew that her dad was their boss. So it didn’t really make sense that there is a question mark, if she already knew. 

b. Poster & Background & Trailer (7/10)
I like your graphic and the chosen photos, but I think you should’ve had more details on it. The poster is simple, and yes I do like simple, but it was a little too simple. The only colorful part of the poster was T.O.P’s Shirt. If you were to have a a different color background then the poster wouldn’t be a problem because it will make the story full with color. I’m not saying it should be rainbows or have like 5 different colors, but a simple light blue or pink would’ve brighten up your story. 

c. Description & Foreword (7/10)
The description of your story is very interesting. I liked how you made the synopsis short, but wrote enough detail to not give the entire story away. I also like how you don’t introduce the characters personality but instead show it through the story and let the reader get a chance to know them in the story. 
In your foreword had a lot of grammar errors. For the one line, you should’ve write this:
I didn’t get to see it finish since appa sent me abroad to study in America. 
Instead of:
I didn’t get to see it finish since appa send me to a boarding school in the states. 
It actually doesn’t matter if you wrote sent me to a boarding school in the states. 
Or ‘Sent me abroad to study in America.’ They both make sense, it’s just I like the way I wrote it. 

d. Plot (6/10)
Like I said earlier, the plot was a nice start. You didn’t reveal the whole story, which is good. It made me want to know what would happen to the main girl, but the thing is I didn’t know what the story would actually be about. Would it be about her having to go back to America because the company cannot have her out in the Media and they try to hide her identity? Would it be about Yang Hyun Suk having to quit YG and then seeing Big Bang fall out of the music industries? What would the story be about?

e. Originality (8/10)
I have read many stories similar to this story but I think this has its own unique style. They way only T.O.P knew who her real identity was before she left to America and how Big Bang didn’t remember her after she returned to Korea. It was a nice idea, but you could’ve dug a little deeper into your imagination and made a bigger secret. Make the story even more interesting so your readers can be entertain while reading the story.

f. Flow (4/5)
Honestly, I think the flow was a little, fast. Not so fast that I would deduct a big percentage of your grade but just a small point. The way you reveal how T.O.P was in love with Rin Ah and when it all happened was fast. You could’ve turned it a notch down and make it a little slower so that you don’t cram the readers head with so many details, especially in the first chapter.

g. Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary (15/30)
The main problem of your grammar is capitalization. Always capitalize the beginning of every sentence, Proper Nouns, and Important Places. Your past tense usage is also another writing skill you should master. Most of the words I read were needed to be changed into past tensed form. In the flashback, you used a present tense instead of a past tense word. You also had a couple spelling error, but I’m guessing it was from a lack of proofreading. This part of the review probably is the only part that lowered your grade pretty far down, but other than those 2 main problems you did alright with the spelling.
You need to capitalize ‘I’. It doesn’t matter if you’re in the mood or not, it should be a natural instinct for you to capitalize the ‘I’ every time it is standing alone. 
You should also cut down from putting emotion icons after a character has spoken, instead you should describe how they look or say it in a simple way so that the sentence isn’t so long. 
You also have a couple runoff sentences that needed to be stopped, and shortened. Also, you author’s note should be kept till either the end or written in the beginning. Honestly it got annoying whenever they popped up in the middle of the chapter. I really was tempted to edit it! 
The one part of the story I didn’t really get it… 
He said to him point blank. I scoffed. 
Did T.O.P point at her with a blank expression? 

h. Writing Style (7/10)
I think when the character is speaking to her/his self you should add an asterisk or a quotation mark or make it italic. It would’ve made it a better and less confusing. You also switched the POV a lot so I was constantly confused on who’s POV it was on. I kept having to go back up to the top to remember whose POV it was in. 

i. Overall Enjoyment (8/10)
I liked your story and I liked the dates and how she interacted with T.O.P and G-dragon. Rin Ah was very talkative and I liked that. Sometimes there were parts where I didn’t feel like continuing the story, but there were other parts where I was excited to read the next chapter. Overall I enjoyed the story.


Total - 65/100

reviewer: phagirl