calling karina931219
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Title (3/5)
I think the title is cute, not overly eye-catching, but it has to do with the story. Just add an apostrophe on "I'm".
Poster & Background & Trailer (10/10)
Your poster is adorable. It has the title in it, the main love interest, it's pretty and not cluttered, it works.
Description & Foreword (5/10)
There are a few grammatical errors in your forward and description. It says "What will happen when idols falling in love with not just someone but you?" First off, you're missing an 'are', which is sort of vital to the sentence. "What will happen when idols are falling in love," And, for the rest of the sentence, it makes more sense to say something more like this: "and not with just anyone, but with you?"
Other than that, your description does the 'character biography' thing, which is sort of a pet peeve for a lot of people. Honestly, though, I think it's okay that you did this. Your target audience seems to not mind all that much, anyway. Just, maybe, give a small overview of the plot in there as well? It looks more professional.
Plot (8/10)
Seems well thought out and executed to the best of your ability.
Originality (6/10)
This plot exists and has existed for a thousand times over here on AFF. Normal girl, bad past, but still nice while not being a pushover, somehow gets the attention of, and falls in love with, an idol who returns her feelings basically from first glance. But, that being said, there are parts of your story that aren't in every single story. Such as the main character being . But, that's not to say it doesn't exist somewhere on this site, it's just not something you see everyday.
Flow (3/5)
The flow would have been smoother if your grammar had been better, but the story still seemed to be thought out.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary (9/30)
Your grammar is very poor. I'm sorry for not sugar-coating it, but you really need to work harder with grammar. There are online resources that can help you, and you could always ask for help from me or, if you have any, a native English speaking friend. I would like to point out a few mistakes that will, hopefully, help you recognize the rules of grammar/tenses in English.
Here are some of the things that stood out right away.
"You rub your eyes," You told me you wanted your story to be in past tense, so that should be "You rubbed your eyes and slightly jumped off of your bed when you saw the dark figure of a man standing next to your bed." Basically, to turn a verb past tense, you need to end an '-ed' to the end of the word. (There are a bunch of silly little exceptions to this rule is words like 'keep', which turns to 'kept' when using past tense. And, for another example, 'swim', turns into 'swam'.)
"He try to stand up straight but he too drunk. He wobbling around and fall back on your bed" Should be: "He tried to stand up, but he was too drunk. He wobbled and fell back onto your bed." For words that end in 'y', such as 'try', you have to replace the 'y' with an 'i' and then add an '-ed'!
Your grammar seemed to have improved after chapter 2, but there are still a lot of things to fix.
You also have to work on punctuation. Mostly just commas, which trip up a lot of people.
"Can you see our L is tired? Right?" First of all, it's better to have a comma in place of the first question mark and, considering he's asking this, it should be phrased differently. "You can see our L is tired, right?" Or "You can see our L is tired, can't you?"
"L looked out to the window and saw Infinite car off. "Mission start Kim Myungsoo." He's smirk." You should have wrote, "L looked out of the window and watched Infinite's car drive off. "Mission start, Kim Myungsoo." He smirked."
"L changed into a jeans and a comfy t-shirt,to look normal as he can. He lock the door and enter the elevator. "Here we go." He said as he step into the elevator. "There's something about you hiding behind that thick glasses." He smiled." You're confusing your tenses again. "L changed into a pair of jeans and a comfy t-shirt, trying to look as normal as he could. He locked the door and entered the elevator. "Here we go," He said as he stepped into the elevator. "There's something you're hiding behind those thick glasses," He smiled."
That's a rule, as well. When writing dialogue and splitting up speech between your description of what L is doing, you have to end the sentence he spoke with a comma.
There are countless other examples! I'm sorry for having to give you such a poor mark, but I want to help!
Your vocabulary isn't extraordinary, but you used your existing vocabulary effectively. Maybe, if you want to develop your style more, you could look up synonyms and the like?
Writing Style (6/10)
I think your style is nice. That being said, of course you have room and the ability to improve, but, what I'm saying is that you have a nice start!
With more practice and a lot of time, you'll become much better! Just, keep working at it and seeking opinions. It's very hard to improve when you're the only one pointing out things that don't seem quite right about your style/story in general.
Overall Enjoyment (8/10)
I don't usually read these types of stories, but I have to say I enjoyed what you have done so far. I would suggest getting a beta reviewer, one of those people who read over your chapter before you post it.
Total - 58/100%
reviewed by: Harukai-Kun
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