집 - Home

Title (/5)

The title doesn’t really give me the idea of your story/plot; I can’t see the relation it has to your story. Also, I don't really understand why you decided to write the Hangul character of 'Home' there. ‘Home’ is fine by itself—at least I think that’s the Hangul character for Home.

Poster & Background & Trailer (4/10)
The poster is really well done but I don’t see how it relates to your story. It just looks like an edit off of tumblr. There’s no theme to your poster and I don’t get what I’m looking at.

No background or trailer so no points are taken off.

Description & Foreword (5/10)
I like your description; even though it’s just one sentence, you’re able to lure me in and have me curious as to what your story will be about. Good job! The only complaint I have is to take away the comma you have after Seoul because it doesn’t seem necessary there.

The foreword is perfect—you just have a lot of grammar mistakes going on. I’ll give some examples:

What you wrote: “Yes,” the young man got off the room
What you should have written: “Yes,” the young man walked out of the room

• Reason; you can’t ‘get off’ of a room. That would be impossible because you would have to be standing on the room to get off of it. You do this quite a lot; you need to understand that got isn’t necessarily a word you use to describe that a person is moving. It’s a word that indicates that somebody is obtaining, receiving, earning or given something.

What you wrote: He got closer to his boss, Frank, the middle-aged man, only separated by messy desk.
What you should have written: As he takes a step closer to his boss, Frank, he was blocked by the messy papers lying on the desk.

• What you wrote doesn’t flow—it’s almost like you’re just writing in random sentences so it could make sense, but it doesn’t, to be honest. Also, you pretty much mention Frank three times which is unnecessary because why do that? Boss, Frank, and middle-aged man; use one or two!

Plot (8/10)
The plot is so-so; I’m not exactly in love with what you have but I do find it interesting. The whole I’m-sending-my-daughter-to-another-place-so-nothing-bad-happens-to-her has been used by films made in the US. It’s a common plot in movies so I don’t find anything special about it.

Originality (9/10)
I would say it’s an original but because the plot is used a lot in movies, I’m not going to give full points.

Flow (5/5)
The flow is good.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary (5/30)
The grammar doesn’t have me smiling in any way—though I do have to admit that I like your choice of words, but there are times when you’re using the wrong word. Your sentences do not flow nor do they make any sense. I have a couple of examples to show you what you’re doing wrong and how to fix them!

What you wrote: “Everything was going so fine..." Frank blurted out.
What you should have written: "Everything was going so fine..." Frank whispered.

• Reason; to be honest, I don't think blurt is the right word to use. Blurt is more like abruptly saying something you're not supposed to say aloud. And with the dialogue, it doesn't look like he's saying something he's not supposed to say. (Chapter 1)

What you wrote: Jack was desperating.
What you should have written: Jack was desperate.

• Uh, first off, desperating is not even a word. I have no idea how you even got the word. I’m guessing that you mean to write desperate, so… that’s what I think you should have written. I really suggest it that you go and look up a word in the dictionary before using it. (Chapter 1)

What you wrote: She sticked her tongue out and got in, moving to the seat behind the taxi driver.
What you should have written: She stuck her tongue out and got in, moving to the seat behind the taxi driver.

• Again, sticked is NOT a word nor is it the past tense of stick, my dear. (Chapter 1)

What you wrote: Still on her uniform,
What you should have written: Still in her uniform,

• In is a grammatical word indicating that something or somebody is within or inside something. On indicates position, attachment to something, supporting weight, carrying something and the list can go on and on. Now, Krystal is inside of her uniform, is she not? So the most appropriate word would be in. You do this a lot! You have to know the difference between the two before writing it. (Chapter 4)

What you wrote: She saw a girl still on her seat...
What you should have written: She saw a girl still in her seat…

• Same reason for the example above this one. (Chapter 4)

What you wrote: "Can you believe this? I'm here it has been a week and I can't speak Korean properly! How is it going to be in the future? I start school tomorrow and I'm so done."
What you should have written: "Can you believe this? I've been here for a week and I can't even speak Korean properly! How am I going to survive in the future? I start school tomorrow and I'm so done for it!"

• Your words do not flow at all nor do they make any sense. The second sentence you wrote, if you read it carefully, says: I am here it has been a week and I can’t speak Korean properly! The only thing going through my mind is aslkdfjlaskdfjlkds. I can’t understand what you just wrote. The last sentence is also the same; I don’t understand. I’m so done… what? What are you done with? (Chapter 4)

What you wrote: Krystal threw the note book along the desk and let out a desperate sigh.
What you should have written: Krystal slid the notebook to the side of the desk and sighs desperately.

• She threw the notebook along the desk? The sentence doesn’t make any sense! You have to understand the meaning of (the) words you use because all words mean something different. No word(s) have the same meaning. (Chapter 4)

What you wrote: She spent the whole morning sat on her bed, staring to nowhere, not even bothering to eat breakfast.
What you should have written: She spent the whole morning sitting on her bed—staring at nothing—and didn't even bother to eat breakfast.

• This sentence is just a bunch of blob put together; it makes no sense. Just because spent is in past tense, it doesn’t mean that sat has to be in that tense either. Staring to nowhere doesn’t any sense, and not even is a negative phrase. (Chapter 6)

What you wrote: Krystal sighed as she opened the maths textbook.
What you should have written: Krystal sighed as she opened the math textbook.

• I’m going to guess this is a typo. (Chapter 6)

What you wrote: Despite being comfortably like this, without knowing details about Krystal's life, Amber was still curious about this one.
What you could have written: Despite the comfortable mood, Amber was still curious about Krystal's life.

• I really do not get what you’re trying to say to me at all! Despite being comfortably like this—what? You can easily tone this sentence down. (Chapter 7)

That’s the last of it; though I do have more examples, I won’t put it up because it would be long—like really long. You really just need to work on how to make your sentences flow, and know which word to use to make the sentence more understandable.

Writing Style (5/10)
I like your writing style, but the grammar just killed it for me. I could barely understand half the things written and your writing does not flow. You were just jumping from sentence to sentence without any reason. The last example I gave above is what I’m talking about.

Overall Enjoyment (4/10)
From the last that I’ve reviewed one of your stories, I would have to say that this story wasn’t the best. The grammar really just hit it low, and I mean, from what I can remember, the other fic I reviewed had decent grammar. The plot of this story isn’t as exciting—sure it’s about Amber and Krystal, but that doesn’t mean anything. A story is still a story at the end of the day. It doesn’t matter who the characters are. I will have to say that the recent chapter is probably the highlight of your story at the moment because it’s slowly climbing up to the .

Other than that, good luck with your future chapters!

Total – 47/100

Reviewer: vangbby