Review for clairebacon96 // By: pilsuk123 

Title and Story Link:

Title: (6/10)

I didn't like the title at all mainly because it's vague, very commonly used and doesn't grab your attention. However, it does relate to the story and often the connection with the storyplot appears in the chapter because the main character is blind. You can add in more distinctively words/adjectives to your title to make it sound more appealing, interesting and original. For example, Source of light or Ignite the light/world  or Be the light or Lit up my world etc.

I'm sorry,  I real bad at making up titles but I hope you get what I meant. Even by adding one or two adjectives into the title, it can already be more original and can stand out from the other stories with similar title.

Overall Appearance: (9/10)

In the chapter, the words front and size are ideal so that's good. The poster looked so pretty and it has the main component with the title, quote and main characters picture on it, I really like how suitable the poster is with the story. With a few of darkness, it's a hint of the blindness the main character face or their dark struggles. The background is alright too but I would have preferred a plain, dark background to suit the story theme more.

There's just one thing, the foreword and description is slightly disorganize and messy. This kind of ruins the overall appearance of the story because it's the most important page in a story. It has to be neat, clean and organize. The description is fine, it looks alright but the foreword is little all over the place. You should specify if it's a author's note to not confuse readers and try to minimize the amount of paragraph use. You can just separate the foreword into just three paragraph instead of having 8 separated paragraphs. It looks too wordy if you separate them too much, they looked too spaced out.

Description and Foreword: (7/10)

The description of the story was slightly awkward to read. The jargon used in the description was a bit too much, in every sentence there's huge words used and this ends up not writing anything much that could be related to the story. The description is where you should make the readers dying to know what the plot is after revealing a small part of the plot but instead your description is more towards writing the meaning and describing 'light'. You talked about the light, sun, warm embrace and glowing but nothing much about the plot.

Plot: (14/20) 

The beginnings of the plot was amazing that I knew you're going to score really high for 'Plot' because even though the main idea of a blind fictional characters or story in general was commonly used, you manage to turn the story original by adding your ideas. The idea of her being left alone and abandoned specifically was a pleasant surprising factor to the story. However, it kind of falls apart. I feel that everything was rushed too quickly (will explain more in 'Flow') and it feels like it's going to a vague and unsure direction. The starting was so strong but after reading more chapters, the plot feels so messy, unsure, and distracting. My advice is to slow things down and break it down slowly for the readers. If Baekhyun is supposed to be blind from the start, give small clues and notes to the readers in the chapter instead of just revealing the fact. It felt slightly weird to see the reaction of Bianca to Baekhyun's blindness too, it feels unrealistic. My guess is Baekhyun gave his eyes to Bianca for her to see because at the beginning, Baekhyun live and take care of her like a normal person with sight. Try to specify and clear that up whether Baekhyun was suppose to be blind from the start or not. If he's blind from the start, how did Bianca not able to see it or feel it? If he gave his eyes to her, reveal it soon to clear the misunderstanding.

I really like how you added Luhan's point of view to the story to try to fill in the holes of where the hell have he disappeared to but it was still confusing and there's a few holes missing. You should have a timeline in Luhan's point of view, for example: It's been years since I last saw Bianca before I was force to leave to China etc and continue from there instead of suddenly starting from his acceptance to SM. Try to write more clearly about what really happened during the period when Bianca was abandoned.  Why was the mother crying when she's the one who left her there? What's the reason for leaving her or abandoning her?

Language: (12/20)

I really like your writing style, the way you try to describe the story but there's a few typos/mistakes and too much running sentences. A full sentence should end with a punctuation, possibly a full stop/period but instead you used too much ellipsis punctuation(...). The sentences felt choppy and too much unnecessary pauses.  Instead of using '...', try replacing them with a comma or a full stop. There's also a few spelling mistakes and wrong use of tenses, I focus on Chapter 1 more and the other examples are shown below.

As I've mentioned, I really like your writing style but it's different. There's two different types of writing style, the beginning where it's more about conversations and describing while another different writing style for Luhan's pov chapters. I like both, in fact I preferred the writing style for Luhan's pov because it's a lot easier to read, not too formal/awkward to read and that's why I spot mistakes for the few chapters but rarely for Luhan's pov chapters because it's so fun and fast to read! I think it's more towards you own personal writing style, think of which you're trying to go for. A more formal, angst style or a more fun and easy to read type of style and after deciding which, stick to it for consistency.

Chapter 1:

-He paused a little, catching his breath and was about to continue but was stopped when I held his hand, making it impossible for brother to flip to the next page.

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