Review for -babyhunhan- // By: pilsuk123 

 

Title and Story Link:

4-4-9 (Completed, one-shot)

 

Title: (10/10)

I feel that it's a brilliant title! It's stays with me and it was unique. What's even more interesting is that, the title actually relates to the story completely and it stood out from the other title. I love the idea of what the title stands for and it's constantly emphasize in the foreword/description, in the story and in the ending! 

 

Overall Appearance: (10/10)

The poster looks amazing and it fits well with the whole angst theme, love how it looks. Excerpt for the unclear font and texture of the title in the poster, it looks great. I decided to give full marks because the story was written in a very clean way, I was so comfortable reading the story and it was good how you organize, divide and break the story parts well.Morover, the font and size of the words was ideal, comfortable to read.

 

Description and Foreword: (9/10)

I think you did very well in drawing attention to your story through your concise description of the story. It was interesting and it attracts attention. As mentioned, I love how you're very concise with your words and kept it short and simple. It would really turn me off with long,wordy or draggy foreword/description. However, despite how much I love the content of the description and foreword, both of them are phrased rather awkwardly. I would phase it differently in this way showed below. 

Description:

I asked you for advice and all you gave was "449." ♡

(I asked for your advice but all you gave me was '449'.)    

Plot: (14/20) 

I feel that you have a skeleton of a amazing angst story! However, there was just too much holes and missing information in the story that it made it feels unrealistic and extremely vague. The time line of the story was confusing, how many years was it? You only state, one year later or years passed but how long exactly it is? This is important because the time spent with Baekhyun would give a slight idea to the readers that his condition has worsen.

Secondly, I know almost nothing about the girl in the story (OC). What was her mother suffering from? When you say that the main reason why she's sick was partly because of your father leaving you, how exactly did it affect her mother? You just talk about how sick and how your mother is unresponsive but actually you forgot to mentioned other information about her. How she fall sick, since when did it happen, for how long have she stayed this way etc. The girl leave school to take care of her mother but how did she live without schooling/working? What about her house? How did she survive without a source of income? It felt really strange how you always write she spends her day and time at the hospital because I want to know how she's surviving/living.

Thirdly, the plot is actually rather simple. There wasn't enough realistic complications/problems that the characters face. It's just a story of a girl who manage to meet a cancer patient in the hospital and ended up falling in love with him. Where's the huge plot twist or surprising factor of the story? I know that it's meant to be a one-shot and it's ideal to have just one main problem/complication but by adding a huge surprise plot twist or by adding another will make the story a lot more interesting and different for the other one-shot stories. 

Here comes the part which I love, the symbolism and idea of '4-4-9'. I thought that it was wonderful that you added the idea in because or else, your story plot will suffer. It's the only main reason why I love the story because '4-4-9' symbolizes something strong in the story and Baekhyun gave it to her before leaving her. He wants her to be happy or at least move on to find happiness. And it ends with the oc/girl stating what if Baekhyun is her only happiness. The ending was great at well, it's a cliff-hanger and it made the readers think. I would have written more about how the girl move on or didn't move on but not writing that gives off a curious feeling so good job.

 

 

Language: (16/20)

There seems to be a confusion in the tenses use because sometimes it's in present tense and later change to past tense. I think you meant to stick to pass tense because there's more past tense used in the story, try to proofread the story and focus on making mistakes in the tenses. You're good with grammar so there isn't much to comment about that but there's a problem with some misconceptions and mistakes. One of the most repetitive misconception is with 'Even though' which you had written in 'Eventhough'. I don't know if you're referring to 'although' but 'even though' is two separate words. Actually there isn't a lot of mistakes but more about sentence structure. Some sentences were phrase weirdly and it sounded a lot smoothly with rephrasing the sentence differently. For example, The boy went to pray, he went to the church/ to/ The boy went to the church to pray. Below are some of the sentences I change in my personal opinion that sounded smoother or better but it's your own choice to see if it's up to your liking. 

-The cold and bare corridor made my heart clench.

(The cold and bare corridor made my heart clenched.)

 

-Eventhough there were unique and antique paintings hanging from the musk white walls, everything still looks dull, just like my heart. (Even though there were unique and antique paintings hanging from the musk white walls, everything still looks dull, just like my heart.)   -I knocked the old wooden door and the very end of the hall, even though I acknowledge there would be no response. (Even though I know that there wouldn't be any response, I still knocked on the old wooden door at the very end of the hall before stepping in.)     -I pulled chair beside her bed before sitting down, not bothering about waking the other pat