Review for AwesomeDonut // Reviewed by: Shy_Daydreamer

Title and Story link:  

Revolving Around One Thing (Ongoing, reviewed with 19 chapters)

Title: (14/20)

The title's a bit too... plain. No thrill and attention grabbing content whatsoever. Also, since you used the present tense of the word 'revolve', it might confuse readers. Past tense of all verbs should be used whenever you are to write either a title or some parts of the story itself; well a character's point of view is an exception. In terms of connection to the story's very plot, it's pretty obvious. You stated it so yourself in the story's front page. It wasn't like those other fanfics titles that I stumble upon on my account, so I can this is a unique title. Enough said.

Overall Appearance: (3/5)

I could only say a few words regarding the Overall Appearance. There were a lot of words written on the description/foreword, things that weren't entirely necessary for the story. Keep it short and straight to the point, also not giving too much info to spoil the entire story. Also, the character profile seemed to give a few highlights on the characters, but the messages after it seemed to be a little displeasing to the eyesight, since it's pretty much unorganized and like all over the place. Try and keep them all under a single section, wherein you write down everything that you would want the readers to know about the story, or the kind of things that you want to warn your readers, like violence and such, since it is a Rated M fanfic.

Description and Foreword: (16/20)

What I look forward in a D&F's the impact it would have on the entire story itself. What I meant by that is, if it could entice readers to read the story itself, since they want to know more. On your case, the description centered on the main character, shedding a bit of light on the character. While I read the description, it made me feel the pain and sorrow that the main character felt, but it was overpowered with the cold attitude that she obtained. I liked the fact that your choice of words, or the way you put it all together, could sway the readers' feelings, as if they were the main character sharing the same emotions and thoughts. As I had stated somewhere in the Overall Appearance section, you need to keep things short and sweet. There's the main story to look out for so the main page of the fanfic shouldn't be too revealing. Character profiles are pretty abundant in different fanfics, but most of the time you should only put small information, like a small biography section, or the specialties that each of the main characters in the fanfic of yours had. That would be enough as a character profile. Don't mind if you didn't write their personalities or personal info in the profile, since it would be unveiled later on in the story.

Plot: (20/30)

The action's obviously present in this fanfic, as far as I had read. Also, the development of the plot itself and how you added the other characters, like Kai, Yongguk, and the rest of EXO-K and BAP, without destroying the flow of the story was really impressive.

However, the reason why I deducted points from my score's because, the outcome of differents scenes could be predicted by most of the readers who stumbled upon your story. It mainly focused on Eunsuh finding the killer of her mother, but the fact that Kai was a member of another powerful clan and that Eunsuh could break down whenever it was the death anniversary of her mom seemed to be too predictable. The only thing that made the story more captivating was the fact that Sehun's mother and sisters died on the same day as the death of her mother, and also the fact that L.Joe had a different mother.

In other words, you should really add more plot twists to make it more captivating, and have the readers on the edge of their seats by changing a few scenes from the next updates you're gonna make. It's like giving them something else from what they expected to read.

Originality: (14/20)

Almost everyone in the world are driven by a certain mission behind their actions, and if that would be likely to happen in the real world it could happen in the fanfic world. Bang Eunsuh's pursuit on finding the killer of his mother wasn't entirely unique, since there were other fanfics that had the same plot idea, but the plot twists that you wrote was enough to overshadow the cliche plot idea. I was referring to Sehun's life experience and also L.Joe's.

Also, since the fanfic's not yet finished I'm expecting to see more plot twists or even at least something that would captivate readers.

Language: (14/20)

ERRORS:

PROLOGUE: GONE

"BANG. MINSOO," her voice boomed.

("BANG MINSOO!" her voice boomed.)

"And you young lady." Eunsuh's head immediately snapped up and she sniffled, wiping away her fake tears. "Save your ugly tears for when you're a professional actor. You little liar."

("And you young lady," Eunsuh's head immediately snapped up and she sniffled, wiping way her fake tears. "Save your ugly tears for when you're a professional actor, you little liar.")

YOU. ARE. IST.Which doesn't make sense because you're female as well."

(YOU. ARE. A. IST. Which doesn't make sense because you're a female as well.")

"Oh. Byunghyun. That idiot.

("Oh. Byunghyun, that idiot.)

Her mothers eyes had enlarged and her face had turned red, obviously infuriated.

(Her mother's eyes enlarged and her face had turned red, obviously infuriated.)

Also, one more thing. Try to get in contact with your uncle as soon as possible if ever something happens to me, okay?"

(Also one more thing: try to get in contact with your uncle as soon as possible if ever something happens to me, okay?")

Her pricked up as she heard the engine of a car pull over in front of their fron door.

(Her ears pricked up as she heard the engine of a car pull over in front of their front door.)

 "Again Eunsuh. I'm doing what our MOTHER told me to do.

("Again Eunsuh, I'm doing what out MOTHER told me to do.)

The urgent flapping of bird's wings were the only other things that could be herad, since there was not another living human soul for kilometres away.

(The urgent flapping of bird's wings was the only other thing that could be heard, since there was not another living human soul for kilometres away.)

PROLOGUE: A CHANCE TO RENEW

 You're the only one out of all of us who can cry on the spot. Not Daniel,"

(You're the only one out of all of us who can cry on the spot, not Daniel.")

you're deceiving people. But besides... I don't want him to grow up as a liar as well.

(you're deceiving people, but besides... I don't want him to grow up as a liar as well.)

Her eyes sparkled staring at the jewellry.

(Her eyes sparkled as she stared at the jewelry.)

Suddenly, Eunsuh had felt like crying.

(Suddenly, Eunsuh felt like crying.)

They manage to be happy. And that was because they had each other.

(They managed to be happy, and that was because they had each other.)

"Your mother was dear friend of mine.

("Your mother was a dear friend of mine.)