Review for temporarybliss // Reviewed by: pilsuk123

Title and Story link:  

A Vow Broken (Completed, one-shot)

Title: (10/10)

I think it's the best and most suitable title for the story. It just makes perfect sense after reading the story because the title relates to the story plot 100%. It's also easy to remember and it's oirginal as well. Actually I was skeptical about the title because I was so sure that there's tons of title similar or even alike as 'A Vow Broken' but it wasn't used at all! I was thinking 'A Broken Vow' would be better than 'A Vow Broken' but I'm glad that you chose to stick with 'A Vow Broken' because it's more original, special and relatable in the story. In the story, you also focus on the title and make sure to explain how the title and storyline relates with each other so that's good because that way, readers can remember the title as they read along and try to relate both of them together from the beginning.

Overall Appearance: (10/10)

I can't help but to give you a full marks here! That poster and background picture was too perfect! The visual of the story was perfect but there's two thing I want to point out for the font/style part. For the description, the blank spaces in every sentence was too repetitive. Try to have 3-4 sentence and then put black space/lines to have another paragraph. That way, it wouldn't look too spacious/empty. The second thing isn't actually something to point out or anything but I was wondering if the story will look better if it's all on one alignment instead of having it all in the middle looking rather messy, right alignment might look better. But it's all your choice, you can try to put it all in the right alignment and see if you like it.

Description and Foreword: (7/10)

The description of the story fell short in my opinion because I felt that it kind of summarized the whole story and there's nothing special about the description. Unlike the title, the description feels like a overly use description for most angst stories. I think you can emphasis more on what's the specialty of the story and write it in the description to make it interesting and attract more attention. What I felt special in the story is about the proposal and how they meet in the library. Well, I don't think it's ideal to say about the proposal because it will ruin the surprise when reading the story but you can write it in a indirect way. For example, "The promise he made might be broken but the vow stays.'' Something like that if you want to try the indirect way. 

The foreword was good, it's categorized correctly with the author's note and credit just maybe there's a slight typo, of that new paragraph in the middle. After 'but I don't got' the rest of the sentence 'over me but whatever, enjoy! =)' should be together instead of being separated into two.

Plot: (12/20)

For plot's originality, I've read so many stories of cancer and broken promises so the main plot isn't really original. However, I'll give you credit for adding that special and original ending. I love how Jongin appeared in Luhan's doorstep and the idea of that video proposal was brilliant. That's original, haven't really read a story with such a proposal. That part must been the story's and my eyes was widened in the ending. Although I felt that you didn't include enough of Luhan's feeling and thoughts at that point of time, it's still well written and I could feel how broken Luhan must have felt to finally know why Sehun left but for a reason he's still broken about because even though he finally know why, he can't see him again. That's that for originality and about the special ending. 

For some reasons, I find how they're attracted with each other on the spot rather unreliable and slightly on the unrealistic side. You can add in on how they meet coincidentally and so on and so forth so it doesn't feel too unrealistic but it's just going too fast. For example, you could just write more scenes/days of them meeting unexpectedly in the library and after a few deep talk with each other, they grow found of each other etc.

From how they met and suddenly they're in love to their relationship and to them separated was just too fast and it feels unrealistic. I feel that if you would to write more and deepen their relationship together and write about more in depth occasion of them being together to make it more realistic and believable if they're in love with each other.

And for the revelation of Sehun diagnosed with cancer shouldn't come suddenly and revealed in the ending. You can try to add 1 or 2 hints of Sehun feeling unwell before leaving Luhan and everything after that. That way, when it's revealed at the end, readers could understand and keep up with the information of Sehun leaving Luhan for his own good.

The idea of Sehun wanting to be alive and making that video for Luhan was just pure heartbreaking. Great point to add into the story about vows and marriage proposal.