Review for Thekpopobessor123

Title and Story Link:

Title:

The title was too direct and simple and hence making it hard to find your story. If you would to search your title in the search bar, your story couldn't be found at the first page and thus making it hard for people to find your story. You should add in a word or a description where the title is extrememly orginal and where no one has similar title as yours. For example, by adding the word 'gangster' with 'maid' would definetely make it different from all of the others. Despite a plain and direct title, it actually sounded interesting. I think a lot of people who get to chance upon this story would like to know more and read on. However, I just can't seems to relate or see the connection between the story plot and the title. I've read up to chapter 23 and still there's no progress in explaning or having the title relate to the story. Usually, by the tenth chapter or lesser, most authors should already try to show the connection between  the title and the plot so that the readers could see the connection and will make more sense. I believe that you're going to relate the plot with the title soon because now she's living with them. 

Overall Appearance:

I think the overall appearance could be greatly improve with a better poster, background picture and  an organized introductions. Firstly, the poster was easily and simply made by collage pictures together without making the effort to try to blend and shade the pictures together to look like an actual well-made poster. The different colours and front use for the poster was too distracting and too many colours are use. I would recommend to get a poster from a graphic shop and you'll get a better poster and a less distractive background picture.

For the story, I've also realize that the font and the texture of the word change from chapter 2 and 3 with chapter 4. Chapter 2 and 3 didn't have the wordings bolded and it would be better if you would be consistent with chapter 2 and 3 chapters because chapter 4's words are bold and it don't look as pleasing to read. In chapter 5, the wordings isn't bold once again. Try to be as consistent as possible for every chapter because sometimes the change wouldn't be pleasing to read.

In addition, chapter 2 (introduction of the characters) is too disorganize and messy. 

Lastly, the excessive spacing of having new paragraph in between the chapter especially during conversations make the story sound choppy and it wasn't pleasing to read. There's no need to seperate the sentence into the next line, instead just join them together. 

For example:

-''Give it to me you little !"'

Your evil aunt screamed as she tried to snatch the brown envelop from you.

(''Give it to me you little !"' Your evil aunt screamed as she tried to snatch the brown envelop from you.)

-You shook your head indicating a firm 'NO.'

She smirked and ran towards you and a loud big 'wack' was heart when the stick landed on your back...

(You shook your head indicating a firm 'NO.' She smirked and ran towards you and a loud big 'wack' was heard when the stick landed on your back...)

-Your aunt saw the state that you were in and smirked. She then said

"Stupid , should have just gave it to me so she won't get the beating. I pity you that you have to live with me.''

(Your aunt saw the state that you were in and smirked. "Stupid , you should have just given it to me so you won't get the beating. I pity you that you have to live with me.'')

Description and Foreword:

The description was too straight-forward, everything was just spilled and revealed here. Most importantly, it's actually quite misleading. Firstly, the way you describe EXO sounded as though they've been in the same school all along when actually EXO is actually transfer student. Secondly, you've emphasis about the abuse of her aunt and how she gets bullied in school but they're not the highlight of the story because in the story, she didn't get bullied or suffer often. Restrain from revealing too much information about the story or else it doesn't come as a pleasant surprise anymore. Other than those mentioned above, everything else is fine.

Plot:

Even though the idea of 'maid' and 'natural powers' are use in many plots nowadays, I can't actual say that yours isn't oirginial. The fact that she isn't a typical girl who gets bullied and she's a gangster and also have a hidden power make the story original. I'm glad that you decide to make the girl a little different from the usual demure and pitiful girls! 

The story was extremely unrealistic because I don't understand how she reacted when Exo reveal their power to her or when she saw a dragon with green eyes(chapter 20) and still manage to be so calm! The scene when the queenka slapped her or bully her without her reacting or without exo helping was too unrealistic as well! Another unrealistic note is how she's a gangster and yet she can't rebuke or runaway from her aunt? Is there a reason why she haven't run away or stay with her cousins? Lastly, didn't she find it strange at all when suddenly 13 hot new kingkas in school just decides to only befriend her and not the others? Aren't she curious about Exo's past and why did they transfer to her school?

Language:

I think you have no problem with the tenses or grammar but there's a few minor typos or spelling below. I realize that most of your scene wasn't described fully or enough. Instead for writing the scene, always remember to add in emotions to it. Take  the part where she got abuse by her aunt, add in description of her pain and emotion instead of sound effect.  I would write something like this in between the scene:

With every of her blow, my mind become clouded and I could barely keep my eyes open. She kicked me on my chest and I could hear my ribs broke and now I could hardly breathe. I take in deep breath to keep me alive but she continue to abuse me with the stick and attacking every single part of my body, making sure to not leave any part untouched. I could feel myself falling unconscious and maybe this isn't so bad after all. Maybe after all, I could get what I always wanted - death.

Goodbye... etc

During chapter 11, I couldn't help but feel that this story is written in a diary manner where only the girl is voicing out and writing the whole story because the story was written too informally. For example: 'Sad life you've got there', 'Expected right?', 'lol, didn't Kris said No?', 'Zooom', 'anot', 'Meh' or 'WHUT'. Using emotions in the chapter didn't help in making it look like a proper story either.  I would try to replace informal terms because at one point the story may sounded as though it's a diary instead of a proper story. Try to replace those terms with a more famous or common term instead. For example to replace 'Zoooomm', you can use 'speed' or 'They got into the car and zoomed away'.

Instead of writing '-The next day-' or '-in your unconscious dream-', you could always replace them and describe it directly. For example, instead of writing '-the n