Review for kiyoon97 // By: IdaliaSHR

Title and Story Link:

Title: (9/10)

I really like the title. It has a ring to it when you say it and it’s easy to remember. Short and sweet, with a bit of a mystery behind why you would pick that kind of title. There are a couple of fics in AFF with the same title, but they aren’t in the same sense that yours was. After reading the description for the story, I think the title fits the plot described in the description. And now, after reading the story…it really fits the story. It’s not in the way that I imagined it would go though. I’ll talk more about that later.

Overall Appearance: (5/10)

There are light colors going on and I’m not sure how that fares with the angst theme. It sort of throws me off that the story is listed under angst but the colors are light and kind of blinding. The look that the models on the pictures though look pretty angst-y, but it was offset by the brightness, especially on the girl’s face. The face was just too bright to the point that it hurt my eyes to look at. It would have been great if the brightness was turned down a little and it gave a bit of shadow around the faces of the models. Like, I get the white outfits of the characters symbolizes purity but putting shadows on their faces would kind of hint at the dark aspect of the story. I couldn’t see the girl’s arm because the whole left side of the poster is too bright. As for the typography, maybe you could make the text appear and haze faster? It looks a bit dull when it’s that slow. I had to wait for a short while to see the text. Maybe you could even have it blinking or appearing faster and sudden. Everything else in the Foreword chapter is good.

Now, for the rest of the chapters, I advise that you put an indent at the start of every paragraph because they just look like big blocks of text. Maybe you should also try writing your chapters on MS Word first instead of writing it on the AFF editor to diminish the spaces between lines in a paragraph. It looks a bit messy and double-spaced which is displeasing to the eyes.

Description & Foreword: (6/10)

Okay, I really like the description. There’s a story there without giving away too much of it and I liked the crazy and powerful attitude of the person speaking there. It gave me that obsessed, crazy, and strong feeling which I found interesting. That would really make readers curious to know what happens in the story. It got me really curious and excited to read the story. My hands were itching to click next! There were some mistakes though like with the space and punctuation.

Some things to edit:

I want you to love me,but I won't love you back.

To

I want you to love me, but I won't love you back.

Because I want you to feel,what it's like to fall in love with someone and not have his feelings returned.

To

Because I want you to feel, what it's like to fall in love with someone and not have your feelings returned.

And in the end

To

And in the end,

ALWAYS REMEMBER: Space after commas.

Your character chart’s okay. Normally, I’d be a bit bugged because character charts aren’t really my thing because some tell too much about the character that it takes away the fun of figuring out the character in the story. Yours though is a-okay because you only used it to show the age and pictures of the characters. Your foreword is a bit too informal, but it is okay, I guess. It is a space for the author anyway. The quote should have been put on the top of the foreword instead of at the very bottom because it got stuck under your informal author’s note.

Plot: (10/20)

Judging from your description, I thought that it was a good plot that can go wrong in a snap but can become wonderful if you twist it one way. The plot illustrated by the description is certainly different from the plot that you can get by reading the chapters. It is waaay different. The plot of the description is about this girl who’s on a mission to make the guy that hurt her pay. She wants justice to her feelings but in a twisted and obsessed kind of way. She’s strong, determined, and won’t take from anyone. She just has that mix of darkness and crazy that make the story interesting. This kind of plot is seriously great to read about. It would already start with this bad all awesome and bent on chaos.

And then you click next and what do you get? This head over heels girl who’s all crazy about this jerk and she’s just all “innocent” and “ignorant”. He’s just messing her up. She’s all weak in the knees and obedient around him. As the story goes, you just see that she’s trying to turn him into a good guy. She believes in him and she just want to show other people, especially herself, that he has a heart. Now that’s cliché. Where is the badass girl hell bent on getting what she deserves? I get that maybe you’re just showing the “before” of the main event where she gets heartbroken and then turns into the vengeful woman. But how long with that take? And partnered with the description, it almost seems like you’re marketing the story wrong way. Plus, I don’t see the angst part of the story yet when you clearly marked it as angst theme story.

It would have been great if the story already starts with the girl on her way to make history with making the jerk fall in love with her while showing tidbits of the past, instead of the linear way of telling the story. It just doesn’t connect with the way you’re describing it.

Now, the reason why there was a huge chunk of points taken away from the Description & Foreword even when I was raving about it was because you marketed it wrongly. You started with the good stuff and then when you hit next it’s a totally different story.

Language:  (9/20)

There are lots of mistakes and issues with your writing.

1. Space issues (Please remember: SPACE AFTER COMMA)

You were watching Jungkook,the bad boy of the school,practicing his dance while ocassionally lifting up his shirt to wipe his sweat off his face,revealing his toned abs. [Chapter 1]

To

You were watching Jungkook, the bad boy of the school, practicing his dance while occasionally lifting up his shirt to wipe his sweat off his face, revealing his toned abs. [Chapter 1]

2. Spelling mistakes and confusing sentences

"Urghh,(space)Jungkook.The things you do to me." You tought(thought) in your head helplessly.Your best friend,(space) Seo Jun,(space)suddenly disturbed your really dirty thou