Review for HunhanHyun // Reviewed by: Anthealkl

Title and Story link:  

The Lost Child (Ongoing, Reviewed by 29 chapters)

Title: (8/10)

When I first clicked on the link, the title of the story had already caught my interest even before the foreword and description was loaded. However, your tittle- The lost child, is very ubiquitous- there are a number of stories named that here on this website. It doesn't catch your readers attention at a glance as they may have already stereotyped your story to a certain plot and genre due to its title.  The pragmatic question that struck me thereafter was : What kind of 'lost' are you portraying in your story? Is it a story on how one got lost in the vast conspiracy of society- the ongoing enervated rat race? or is it one on the lost bond between a mother and child?

However, after reading your story, I couldn't find any co-relation between your title and your plot. The only relation that I've managed to decipher is that LuHan's an orphan JiYun found on a street and had brought him home out of pity. He was lost in the sense that he had no home; no one to turn to to help him survive; he's alone and lost in the big city-Seoul. It would've been nicer if you had a bigger meaning to your definition of "lost" in the title or you could try to emphasize the title's meaning in the story. 

Overall Appearance: (9/10)

Poster's simple and neat.  The foreword didn't look too cluttered or too bright; The colours used are soothing to the eye .The only thing that I didn't quite like was the font size used that is a little too small; it strains the eye after prolonged reading. Your chapter layout is also rather neat and sweet. A thumbs-up for your effort!

Description and Foreword: (7/10)

There's no information regarding your story in your description at all! Heck it, there wasn't a single word there! How are the readers supposed to know what they could expect of the story? Most importantly, how are you going to attract them to your story if it isn't by the description or title?

I've mentioned previously that the story title is ubiquitous and people would already have associated it to a certain plot and genre, they would just think it's another common story and skip it. A picture may speak a thousand words but sadly not in this case. You need to write a brief description of your story or the outline of it; you'll never come across a book with an absence of a foreword and that's the irrefutable truth. Include a description in your foreword or description side to attract more readers this way.

It's nice how you introduced your characters and gave an imagery to the readers via pictures of your characters, however, it would be nicer if you wrote a brief description about them; their traits, family background etc.

* Gives virtual cookie* I was very impress by you including a meme in your foreword, it's very unique and it definitely brought a smile to my face! 

I understand/ know how majority of the time, the comments are the main spoiler for the story to new readers;but sorry to burst your bubble,  your "warning" -  DO NOT READ THE COMMENTS!! THERE ARE SPOILERS DOWN THERE.AUTHOR-NIM IS WATCHING YOU. I wouldn't recommend it though because I feel that it would only further entice new readers to read the comments as curiosity kills the cat and also due to the lack of a description of your story, it might further push new readers to go read the comment to get a glimpse of the story.

Plot: (11/20)

I'm going to sound extremely harsh here but please do bare with me if you'll want to improve. I'm here to help not put you down. The plot, it's really not planned out properly at all; there is no actual or conflict in the story-it's underdeveloped. 

I can't be too quick to say as this is still incomplete but most stories would have a visible conflict in the beginning of the story or at least by the first few chapters, one that would build up the and lead the story on.

There are a couple of areas where I was censured on. Let's break it down shall we? :)

Firstly, The beginning of your story, I must say it's rather unrealistic. You don't walk down the street with your mom and chance upon a boy living there with his cardboard, just bring him home and have him start living with your family! That's just absurd to hear from the reader's point of view.

There are many factors and things to consider,one being the boy's legal guardian ( because he's obviously underage) , you need to submit a form/ letter to the government/ ministry of Birth and death ( whatever you call that)  for gaining legal attorney over the child- being his legal guardian. You don't assume he's a vagabond and offer him a home and or rather a place to stay, what if he's an illegal migrant? What if he actually has a family but is running away from home? JiYun's family would then be sued and charged for kidnap by LuHan's family, if he has one. That's for the unrealistic part of the story.

There's actually a way to turn it around, you can just come up with a realistic and important news that would help make it believable to that part of the story.

On the other hand, the overall plot is also rather draggy, it puts your reader's off. For the first fourteen chapters , they were spent on describing how their- JiYun & LuHan's relationship grew, from pure platonic feelings to something more, namely romance. It's just taking too long. You can try to improve by being more concise and describe on events that would really help in building in the plot instead of just building their relationship together. Don't forget about how important a solid plot needs to be. 

Secondly, quoted from chapter three,

"Almost two hours had passed and to taught Luhan how to speak some words correctly, adding, subtracting, counting, reading any many more, since he was a quick learner. You figured out that he is really smart too. "

Is Lu Han a genius in the story because he know how to enunciate, read and learn math so quickly- in a mere two hours. As much as fiction allows fantasy and supernatural, there's a bottom line ; this is pure unrealistic. You don't see Edward Cullen from Twilight learning how to read and write within two hours when he's a vampire that lives for eternity and hence knows many more things and also a quick leaner. Also, that sentence is grammatically wrong and there's something not quite right with is structure. It should be:

''Almost two hours have past since teaching Lu Han how to read and write. Lu Han's a fast learner and is naturally smart, allowing him to learn things at a faster speed.''

Thirdly, I find it quite unrealistic how Lu Han can fall in love with JiYul in just a matter of couple of days. I know researchers have came out with reports saying that it only takes three seconds to fall in love but when you fall in love with someone who saves you  within a small period of time; it isn't love, it's gratitude. He's grateful that JiYul accepted him and all... I think he's confuse with his gratitude with love. 

All in all, the plot of a lost and homeless boy did captured my attention at first by the title and so on but the plot need to thicken somewhere and be better improved on. The plot has to be believable even though it's a fictional story, that way, more readers would be able to fully immerse themselves to the story and love it.

Your interaction between JiYul and LuHan was quite cute and adorable though, I'm not really a fan of fluff or cutesy stuff but I did enjoy reading their interaction together. Continue developing this area and I'm sure you'll attract a lot of other readers as I am sure that many readers are avid fans of fluff.

Language: (12/20)

There are many sentence structure errors , grammar error and spelling errors in the story. Your writing style is a little flat, there's no excitement in them. I believe that it's because of the vocabulary range used in the story, it's rather mundane and it can get boring at times.

I'm not saying you should use bombastic/big words in every and all in your story but do throw in some to spice it up, it's also good that the language you use is simple cause readers who doesn't take English as their first language would find it easy and enjoyable to read. Here's a tip though, to avoid repetition of the same word that you've use multiple times in the same paragraph and it just becomes overused, try to look out for those same word and replace them with the same meaning but different word to spice it up.

That way, there's variation in every paragraph and thus continuing to interact with the readers. Try including in Similes and metaphors to provide imagery for readers; A general guide can be found here. You can try writing with slight oxymoron to spice up comedy for readers but the ultimate way in which you would like to write in still belongs to you. I personally prefer to use oxymoron and slight satire for romcom stories as if beefs up the comedy with slight crude humor.

Example:

Chapter 12

Original: Luhan finally walked out from the kitchen with two plates. He sat across from you at the table. You munched down your sandwich awkwardly looking around. But Luhan kept his eyes on you. Only you. You were perfect to him. Your perfect eyes, smile, hair. But most importantly, your perfect heart and personality.

Correction: Lu Han finally walked out of the kitchen, carrying two plates. He sat across JiYun at the table, his gaze unwavering . Munching down the peanut butter and jelly sandwich, you looked around awkwardly, averting his eyes- not comfortable with his gaze.

>I understand this is a story written dominantly in the second point of view ( you) but the word 'you' appeared five times in the same paragraph. Repetition may give emphasis but it would also bore readers.Instead of using 'you', use your character's name -JiYun. Add more description to your writing to make it more interesting and to give it more imagery. The way you describe your story would amalgamate to your own distinct style at writing.

There are three things I want to say before I move on to grammatical errors. One, try sticking to only one point of view when writing a story. Don't, I stress again, don't ever switch point of views constantly! Don't write in second point of view and switch to first point of view suddenly in the middle of the story for a certain part of the chapter and then switch back to second POV. It's gets extremely confusing and hard to keep up. So, try to stick to one particular point of view throughout the story or if necessary just once in 10 chapters or so when it's needed to show a different side an