Review for pakwanii // Reviewed by: cutehae

Title and Story link:  

Summer Serendipity (Ongoing, Reviewed with 19 chapters)

Title: (10/10)

Your title is good. It's well written and it's not too long winded. Although the word 'Serendipity' was quite used quite a bit in aff stories, I think that it's quite unique in it's own way and it sounded interesting!

From the very beginning, the title has held a lot of meaning in the story. At first we can see that the only thing that held more meaning was the summer. As you explained from the first chapter how summer for Aerin was quite significative. It's not until more chapters come by that we see the truly meaning of the word serendipity in the story and what it has to do with the potagonist. 

Overall, you did a good job while picking it up and giving it sense and you didn't rush in explaining it's significance either. I also think that there will be much more to it in the future chapters. 

Overall Appearance: (10/10)

There is nothing bad to say about this. 

The poster is really nice and helds a lot of meaning for the story. You didn't put a background but that's not really all that relevant. 

The description of the story is very good. You explained it in a way that it says a lot and at the same time it doesn't give out too much of what's going to happen in the story, so good job! I have seen a few things wrong, though, but I will explain them in the Description and Foreword section. 

The foreword is well done. I can't say anything bad aabout it since you arranged everything very well without it being messed up. 

Description and Foreword: (7/10)

Like I said above, the description and the forward are good. The things put in them are in order and nothing is in a mess. The fact is that I've taken quite a few points from here because in the description are a few grammatical errors. I will list them below. 

Original: It was always that time of the year which Aerin hated the most, summer.

Correction: It was always that time of the year that Aerin hated the most, summer.

I'm not sure how to explain this, but 'that' definitely fits better than which.

Original: It was when the days are the longest and nights are the shortest. 

Correction: It was when the days were the longest and the nights, the shortest. 

When you start writing in past in a sentence, you cannot change to present. You can only put past simple again or any other type of past that makes sense, but not present. Also, since the verb is the same it's not necessary to put it again. 

Original: A time full of nostalgic s.

Correction: A time full of nostalgic .

It's not necessary to put '' in plural and it's not correct either. 

Original: ..., she’d finally be free and live her life the way she wanted it to be.

Correction: ..., she'll finally be free and live her life the way she wanted it to be.

That 'd could have to meanings, had or would, but none of them are correct in this sentence. Why? If you had put had, the sentence would have no sense at all. And if you put would, that would mean that the sentence is in past but your speaking about the future so will is a better option.

Original: ...but since it would be her last time being in the hell hole place, ...

Correction: ... but since it would be her last time being in that hell hole of a place, ...

I changed 'the' for 'that' because 'the' is an article used for when speaking of things in general but here you are speaking of a specific place, even if you didn't mention it personally. That's why 'that' is a better choice. Also, I put 'of a' because it's better to be the most coherent possible while writing and like this, the sentence sounds nicer while reading. 

Plot: (15/20)

The plot is good. It seems like your every drama where two boys fight over a girl but as you keep on reading, one can see that it goes beyond that. There is much more to the story line that one has to keep on guessing. It's good that you keep omiting information as it makes the story more interesting and intriguing. The fact that there is always this ambiguity about Luhan's and Aerin's relationship is what makes one want to read more. However, I have to say that this is the only think that's interesting about the story. 

The think is, though, that if you want this story to have much more chapters then it should have more twists, more complications. Of course, I don't know what you will do since the story still seems to be in the first stage so you could actually incorporate many more things in between. 

If you do want this story to go on then keep in mind that with only Luhan's and Aerin's relationship being the most mysterious thing is not going to work out. 

If I were you, to make the story more interesting and intriguing things up, I would put, for example, flashbacks of the past. Little flashbacks of what happened the former summers. They don't have to be long, just little details that leave the readers wanting to know more. 

I also think that you should fuel the relationship between Luhan and Sehun. There is no need to make them hate each other or anything like that, just point out how they are going to have to 'fight' (not literally, of course) over Aerin. Like that readers get more consicious of the r