Review for Shy_Daydreamer // Reviewed by: pilsuk123

Title and Story link:  

Sinful Desire (Ongoing, reviewed with 10 chapters)

Title:

I thought the title was quite appropriate for the story but the desire part isn't quite applicable to all sides of the story. Luhan does have sinful desire to Sehun but Sehun does not have at all, Kai have thoughts about singful desire but Kyungsoo doens't quite yet. Overall, I think the title gives off the correct feeling and subject but I feel that the sinful part should be more focused from now on because you've just started getting on with the sinful desire part. Focuse more on it and about the and possible in the story. Otherwise, I thought the title was really short and catchy and it's very relatable to the story!

Overall Appearance:

I love how you chose the colours when expressing the messaging part in the story about having different colours that it made it easier to read and also italising some parts of the sentences in the chapter to make them stand out more. What I feel could be done better was in the d/f, it feels a bit too plain. The foreword's font and style was a bit overpowering the description so maybe you can change up the font style for that and empahsis on the description more. Also, you can add a quote or a except to the story d/f.

Description and Foreword:

The story's description was really nice, it definitely pulls me into wanting to know more about the story especially I've been reading a lot of ratedm stories lately. I'm sure many ratedm// fans would really be interested in this as well because of the description and story's title, it's just that maybe because your chapters can get really short and the pace of the story is really slow as well, readers might be put off because of the slow start into the story. I feel that it'll be a good idea to actually combine some of the chapters together into a middle-length chapter instead of having so many short chapters in the beginning. As I've said, you can add in an excerpt in the d/f or quotes to make it less plain and more attractive. Lastly, I would like to end it off by making a recommendation in a tiny change in the description:
And after a few discussions, they finally have their own little plan.

(And after a few discussions, they finally came up with their own dirty/sinful little plans.)

Plot:

I think because you only have 9 chapters right now and out of that 9 chapter, more than half was taken to describe only one day so obviously there isn't much development to the story's plot yet. However, I have to say that from the beginning till the latest chapter, the plot idea is extremely simple and isn't quite engaging. Chapter 8 and 9 was the best because the highlight of the story is finally being written about pleasuring the members. I thought you should focus more on that area since it's a rated-m fic because I'm not sure about the cute relationship part about discovering their ual identity. If it's just a confuse sehun, it's fine but there's also a confuse kyungsoo/kai which made it quite repetitive in the story. I was really happy how you decided to escalte the story to the sinful/ part in chapter 9, I think things are going to get better and more excited. And hopefully more conflicts as well. Perhaps having disrupting their group's cohesion and you mentioned about luhan being scared that he won't be accept - that can be a great conflict for the story to make it more interesting.

I was really confuse in chapter 7 when it's about a flashback of how Kai and Kyungsoo once met. How can Kai be already an idol and Kyungsoo to be Kai's idol when Kyungsoo and kai haven't debut as Exo yet? Also, how come Kai was the one who come to look for Kyungsoo to tell him that he passed the sm audition? Usually it's done by the management themselves or they just notify you? I don't know, did kai debut solo first or something?

Originality:

It's quite unfair to jugde the story's originality because you've just started on developing the story but judging of all the 9 chapters, there isn't much originality in the story. There's a lot of stories about members pleasuring each other because they're just too busy or their company doesn't allow them so I really hope that by the time you update the story again, there'll be more twists and surprising and pleasant elements in the story. I thought with a deeper and cleared character development (eg. luhan really miss china etc) would really make the story original and stray away from pwp. 

Language:

I think you did a great job is making sure that there's no mistakes and typo by proofreading your chapters but I think you can try to focus on more repharsing your sentences because the sentence structure feels out of place and rather awkwardly written. I've chose chapter 1 and 2 for example here:

Chapter 1:

After a long time of practicing they finally got th