Review for MeltingChocolate // By: pilsuk123

Title and Story Link:

Title: (8/10)

I did see the full connection between the title and the story line but I think the title could be better. It's extremely vague and I've seen many title similar to yours and I think it will be better if it could be more originality; a title more unique.

Overall Appearance: (6/10)

There isn't any much to comment for overall appearance since there wasn't a poster or a background picture but the layout of the story was simple and it was pleasing to read. However, I would recommend a subtle background picture to avoid having the page too plain-looking. I realize that you didn't paragraph your story either, so try to put paragraphs in between a scene to make it look less wordy and neater.

Description and Foreword: (7/10)

I love the description so much that it think it deserve such a much higher score, 'She used to be alone. Alone had been her life for years' was so attention grabbing and I really like how you manage to phrase it that way. However, I think 'Who never had his smile off from his face' could be better written to 'Who can never seems to stop smiling'.

For the foreword, I didn't like it as much as the description. It revealed too much for a one-shot and it's too long as well . In addition, it didn't make me feel excited or interested with the foreword. It should be like the description, short and sweet but still get the correct message and emotions across. The foreword was also quite confusing, a lot of the sentences didn't quite make sense to me. Some of the sentences could be better improve too, as shown below:

-Voices of whispering children excited for the next day to come.

(Children are excited for a brand new day.)

-But who would want to destroy their giggles, their smiles, their cheerful sides.

(But who would want to stop them from giggling, smiling or laughing?)

-I glanced at my uniform. My gun. My boots. If the war didn't occurred. Will I be wearing beautiful dresses now? Will I sleep peacefully? I won't be shooting monsters?

(I glanced at my uniform, my gun and my boots. I couldn't help but think of a better life I could be leading if the war didn't occurred. How I will be able to wear beautiful dresses, how I will be able to sleep peacefully instead of killing monsters....)

Plot: (17/20) 

I feel that the plot was lacking with information and emotions because it's written way too short to feel emotional. I really admire the plot and the ending because I know how tough it is to write something out of the box about the war because it's extrememly unfamiliar to write but I think you did well! Especially, the e