Review for ZeeUnicorn // Reviewed by: nanaji

Title and Story Link:

In My Veins (On-going, reviewed with 16 chapters)

Title: (6/10)

The title didn't really catch my attention though i do wonder the story behind it. Thumbs up for originality since i barely see authors insert a part of the human body in their title rather than the common ones like, 'My Heart', 'In His Eyes' and etc. Honestly, the first thing that came to my mind was blood-bath but then another thought came and screamed "Romance!!" so that reeled me in to the story since you got me curious with what the title actually meant for the story. But as I read, you had said that Kyon-Dae had ate the fruit so that means that it had combined with her blood/body thus it is in her veins, if that is what you tried to convey with the title. Other than that, it's a good title.

Overall appearance: (7/10)

I stress on appearance so i get picky when a great storyline doesn't have a great appearance. But wait... let me fangirl here... I HONESTLY LOVE THE POSTER! Great job for the designer. The color is so alluring yet calm. It gave a vibe of being in a dreamland, a wonderland of some sort. It really gave out the sci-fi vibe. Your choice of font is also nice, it wasn't hard to read nor the spaces were too close or an ocean apart with each other so applause!

Description and Foreword: (6/10)

I could definitely grab what you tried to convey when you gave a prologue of EXO's and BAP's relation with each other and it is well described, though i have a few things i'd like to point out.

"But amidst the chaos of battle, a fruit falls from the tree and lands on none other than Earth." -Your sentence.

"In the midst of chaos of a war, a fruit drops from the tree and finds itself landing on a planet that is no other than Earth."

Which sentence sounds better? The second one yes? It shows the exact same meaning and yet a bit longer and more eye-catching. Try making more descriptive sentences.

In your foreword, one of the line says;

Park Kyon-Dae is about to cross the street when suddenly their is a loud ringing in her ears. A loud, painfull, ear-piercing ringing.

The correct sentence would be;

Park Kyon-Dae is about to cross the street when suddenly there is a loud, ringing sound in her ears. A painful, ear-piercing ringing sound.

When you wish to describe something, avoid using more than two words unless it needs to be specific.

Like the line, "A loud, painful, ear-piercing ringing." You can either choose to describe it like this;

A loud, ear-piercing ringing sound.

OR

A painful, ear-piercing ringing sound.

And then the second paragraph of the foreword;

Looking across her street with her hands still over her ears Kyon-Dae sees a hooded figure. *He look familiar.* She winces in pain as a headache forms, and she tries to focus on the figure. But before she can get a closer look the 'walk' sign stops flashing and a bus passes in front of the figure. At the same time her ears stop ringing, and hesitantly she brings down her hands off of her ears. But when the bus is gone the figure has dissapeared, and Kyon-Dae can't see him anywhere so she gives up and waits to get her turn to cross the street. *If only he didn't have the hood on, he seemed oddly familiar.* she thinks before finally crossing the street.

Suggestion;

Looking across the street with her hands still over her ears, Kyon-Dae sees a hooded figure. *He looks familiar,* she thought. Kyon-Dae winces in pain as a headache forms. She tries to focus on the figure but before she could get a closer look, the traffic light changes and a bus blocks the figure. At the exact same time, the ringing sound stops. She hesitantly remove her hands away from her ears. Though when the bus is gone, the figure had already disappeared and Kyon-Dae could not see him anywhere which made her give up and wait for her turn to cross the street. *If only his head wasn't covered... He seems oddly familiar,* she thought as she crosses the street. 

The foreword didn't give any direct hints about the plot of the story so it won't be predictable by readers so you're all good.

Plot: (13/20)

I'm not really a sci-fi fan nor am i a sci-fi reader. Though, the plot is good, I've read a few sci-fi fics that has wars against each other, wars against different planets and etc. What questioned me was are they aliens or humans? 'Cause you said, in Chapter 3, Himchan used a suit to go in space so that he'd have air supply. So what are they exactly? Alien or human or a humanlien? I don't know so I'd prefer if you'd explained what kind of being they are. Most readers would be thinking that they're alien since they live outer space and they have powers and these super cool devices but honestly, I don't since they act humanly and need air supply so i was just wondering what exactly are they during my whole read. But, i gotta hand it to you since sci-fi are usually hard to write since you need to have the knowledge and a fan of sci-fi itself or either research about it if not, i'm pretty sure sci-fi fans would just cuss you bad. Like i said, I'm not a sci-fi reader but i like the fact that you could write it and made it enjoyable for me.

Language: (12/20)

There are a few of spelling errors or perhaps typos in your updates. Like, how you spelled guards as gaurds in the early chapters like 1, 2 and 3 and how you spelled staticky as staticy in Chapter 1 and equipped as eqipped in Chapter 3. I'd prefer if you read thoroughly again your updates and recorrect it. I'd like to stress on your grammar instead.

Chapter 1:

"Yes. There are 12 gaurds, but only 6 at a time, they switch every 24 hours. They seem rather uneqipped, so it makes me believe there is something else up their sleeve. Do you think the rumors are true?"

Correction: "Yes, there are 12 guards though only 6 work at a time. They switch every 24 hours and they seem rather unequipped. It makes me wonder if they have something up their sleeve. Do you think that the rumors are true?"

"They may be. We have to be careful, and we have to do this quick before the other 6 show up. Can you tell if there is a more elite of the two groups?" He hears something from behind him and looks to see Zelo powering up from charging. His eyes flash a bright mechanical blue before returning to the more life-like eye Yongguk had equipped him with.

Correction: "They may be... We have to be careful and we have to do this quick before the rest show up. Could you tell if there is an elite group between the two?" He hears something from behind him and turns, only to see Zelo powering up from charging. Zelo's eyes flash a bright aqua blue before turning to the more realistic eye Yongguk had equipped him with.

"One of them seem to have higher energy levels that my reader is picking up. From my undercover work of the past week I have heard that the more elite group is group M and the other is group K." Daehyun explains, and Zelo looks curiously at the communicator.

Correction: "One of them seem to have higher energy levels that my radar is picking up. Based on my undercover work for the past week, I have heard that the more elite group is group M and the other group is group K." Daehyun explains as Zelo looks curiously at the communicator.

"Alright, explain their positions around the tree and tell me of any weak spots their may be."

Correction: "Alright, explain their positions around the tree and tell me any weak spots that there may be."

They all listen as Daehyun explains the area where the Tree is and how the gaurds are placed, and telling them about rumors of their abilities. "But these guys are wierdly popular on Exo. They have freakin' fan clubs. It's kind of annoying, really."

Correction: They all listen as Daehyun explains about the whereabouts of the Tree and how the guards are placed. He also informs them about rumors of their abilities. "But these guys are weirdly popular on Exo. They have freakin' fan clubs. It's quite annoying really."

"No, I have a felling no matter what this is going to end up being a nasty fight, ao all we can do is try and end it quickly and get out of here. We can't relax until we get that fruit to Mato." Himchan sighs and then goes to get ready, Yongguk doing the same. Their planet depends on them, it's a big burden for only 6 aliens to carry on their shoulders.

Correction: "No, I have a feeling that no matter what, this is going to end up being a nasty fight. All that we can do right now is to try and end it quickly so we could get out of here. We can't relax until we get that fruit to Mato." Himchan sighs as he goes to get ready with Yongguk doing the same. Their planet depends on them, it's a really big burden for only 6 aliens to carry.

Chapter 2:

He reaches up to his mask and switches something behind his ear, picturing in his mind what he wants to look like and then opening his eyes and looking into the mirror of a bathroom.

Correction: He reaches up behind his mask and switches something using the mask's string placed on his ear that has the ability to change his appearance. Picturing what he wishes to look like in his mind, he then opens his eyes as he looks at his reflection on the bathroom's mirror.

He leaves the public bathroom, seeing some of the Exo males staring at the ilusion of Daehyun that they see. Daehyun's specialty is in technology and assasination type jobs, and his mask can give him different appearances, for example the type of woman that could turn any man's head like now.

Correction: He leaves the public bathroom and sees some of the Exo male residents staring at his woman appearance. Daehyun's specialty is in technology and assasination. His mask can give him different appearances, one of the example is a woman that could turn any man's head like now.

The tree is in the middle of Exo's largest town, life thrives around it.

Correction: The tree is located in the middle of Exo's largest town. Life thrives around it, giving out energy.

Daehyun knows some may die, but he feels no sympathy fir them when he has a whole planet of people back on Mato to save.

Correction: Daehyun knows some of them