Review for FxGenerationLover // By: Michiusa

 

Title and Story Link:

The Tainted White Knight (Ongoing/Completed with 7 chapters)

 

 

Title: (8/10)

Your title was very eye catching, it's more a lot more originial than Bad Guy. You got my attention at the title.

 

Overall Appearance:(8/10)

The poster is okay, nothing fancy. And I noticed compared to the background, in your poster your white knight is slightly tainted. But I would suggest for something more dramatic. Maybe even taint the knight in blood splatter so it kind of shows of the blood on his hand. 

Overall your appearance looked nice and neat. Although I feel the two pictures you use at the beginning of your story and the end doesn't really match. One is bold and very well defined while the other is just delicate and romantic looking. You should choose one that presents your story's genre.

I'm a little confused. Why is there a time stamped in Scene 1 but not the rest. The time is definitely a good idea since you go back and forth quite often, so just make sure to have a consistency. 

 

Description & Foreword: (9/10)

I feel like you have two separate descriptions in the beginning. One is describing his lust for revenge while the other is describing maybe he's going to change? It might work better if you have something like: At a young age, Aiden Grayson witnesses his family brutally murdered, craving for vengeance that is greater than anything else in the world. Along the way a man by the name Andrew Choi takes Aiden in, turning his lust for revenge into a maliciously dangerous obsession. However, when Aiden meets Krystal, a naïve, upper high-class girl, Aiden's priority comes into question. Will the knight who seeks for justice find love in the middle of a battle for revenge? Or will his psychotic obsession lead him to his downfall? 

Your foreword was good. It feels like one of those shows will they show you a scene then they say two days ago... It definitely makes the reader want to read more. 

 

Plot: (17/20) 

I think you could have dove a little more into the details. Like in the excerpt in the forward. Explain a little more of why Aiden suddenly believed the police. He was so rude to them in the beginning then all of a sudden they say he works for the very organization that killed his family and then he just believes? There should be some denial then maybe he say or think of some signs that indicated they are that organization.

There was some repetition in Scene 1 and Scene 1 part II, you've already described choosing Krystal as your girlfriend, then you described the scene a second time.

From the looks of it you've still got a quite a few chapters left to go before finishing so I won't be able to judge the plot fully.

Language: (14/20)

You're overall language flow was very good, I could understand exactly what you were expressing. However, you did have a couple repeated mistakes in using the wrong word, punctuation, misspelling, wrong verb tense, repetition and missing words. Your mistakes are nothing major so I would probably just read the chapter out loud once you are done writing it or have someone look it over for you. 

Wrong use of word:  -before I knock out the other the guy with the trench coat called Kris. (before I knock out the other guy with the trench coat named Kris.)   For things or places we use the verb called for people it's named.  -as before they were able to apprehend me I managed to snuck my fist into Kris’ jaw, breaking a few of his already loose teeth.  (as before they were able to apprehend me I managed to sneak my fist onto Kris' jaw, breaking a few of his already loose teeth.   Managed is your verb, so the word sneak you are actually using as an adjective, acting without warning. And it's onto because into would mean his fist went inside Kris's jaw.    -“You have no idea, don’t you?” He spat out as his eyebrows furrowed. (“You have no idea do you?” He spat out as his eyebrows furrowed.)   -I find it easy actually, as in daylight I play as Clark Kent, while my night life turns into a hunting ground. (I find it easy actually, during daylight I play as Clark Kent, while my night life turns into a hunting ground.) You might want to make a different inference other than Clark Kent since I'm not sure how many people actually know Superman's real name. When you're using as in it acts like an for example, I felt during might work better with the while.   -Therefore, after I built a strong relationship among this so-called ‘friends’ of mine, I was normal and nobody thought I was different anymore. (Therefore, after I built a strong relationship among those so-called ‘friends’ of mine, I was normal and nobody thought I was different anymore.   This is to describe present tense, and since Aiden is thinking back into the past it should be those.   -“When and where?” I responded as if I was growling at the phone. (“When and where?” I responded, growling at the phone.) As if has the same meaning as for example. In this case you don't need to say as if.     Punctuation: -“Specify.” He dug further, as if plunging a sharp syringe right on my chest. (“Specify.” He dug further as if plunging a sharp syringe right on my chest. )   -I curled my hands into tight fists, my nails dug through my skin while my eyes darted the table "You're not getting anything from me.” I stated, sl