Review for nanasway // Reviewed by: pilsuk123

Title and Story link:  

Fatal (Completed, one-shot)

Title: (7/10)

At first, the title didn't have much connection to the story until the 3/4 of the story where you finally link the story with the title. Usually, a good title will have a complete connection to the story right from the foreword/description or at least by the middle, so yours did came a little too late in the end. After reading the part where you revealed that Luhan was illness was 'fatal', that's when the story and the title clicked. I could immediately relate his illness being 'fatal' and I guess that's why I turned out to quite like the title after all. 

Fatal is actually a pretty commonly used title but thankfully, your story was found at the first page when you search for 'Fatal' which is good. There isn't the exact same title as yours but there's countless of similar titles like 'Fatal Attraction', 'Fatal heart' etc.

Well, I don't quite think the 'Fatal' is the best or the most suitable title for the story because I feel that the story title could be something more related to their relationship. 

It's as though From the foreword and description, it looks like you're going to focus mainly on their relationship together, why everyone needs to avoid Luhan and why you'll regret being friends with him etc but turns out it's more focus on Luhan's sickness and how Ginni was affected by it. I even misunderstand that the title was related to have a fatality of loving Luhan, and I was expecting him to be something else that hurts you or turns out to be evil and sadistic or something realated to the fatality of making friends with him!

So in summary, I feel that it's a acceptable title but definitely not the best or the most suitable one. 

Overall Appearance: (8/10)

There wasn't anything I did not like from the overall appearance of the story! The poster was beautiful, the font and size used was ideal, the layout was simple and lastly, the decoration used in breaking the story into different parts was amazing! I did deduct two marks because 1. the description/foreword page was a little messy and 2. there's too much space in the description. 

- The description was alright but I don't think the extra spacings before the description was neccessary. It made the description look spacy and "lost".

-The foreword was slighlty messy and disorganize as well because of too many different margins used. Try to only have one/two different margins/starting point and have the rest on the same margins. For example, the disclaminer was written at the same marginal point and hence looked organized and neat.

Description and Foreword: (6/10)

The description wasn't good enough because firstly, it kind of mislead readers about the story plot and secondly, it was phrased awkwardly and it doesn't sound realistic at some point. I will write more about how it's misleading in 'Plot' below but for now, I'll say more about why it's not realistic. I do used to have a friend like Luhan (in the story), who kinds of follow you around annoyingly but I don't think it's realistic to have the schoolmates warned Ginni and strongly advised her to stay away from him. 

However, I did like the foreword! The foreword made me feel interested in reading the story to know more about what happened to Luhan even though I have a feeling that he died from the foreword. At least it's not obvious, readers will still have to read the story to know what actually happened to him.

Description:

Just because once he sees you show any kind of acknowledgement that he's there, he'll get attached to you and when he does; it'll just break your heart. 

(Just because once you show any kind of acknowledgement that he's there, he'll get attached to you and when he does; it'll just break your heart. )

Foreword:

Sitting besides the older boy, Ginni curled her hands into fists on her lap. Her vision blurred as the knuckles of her hand turned to the shade of white she never thought it could. 

(Sitting beside the older boy, Ginni curled her hands tightly into fists. Her vision blurred as the knuckles of her hand turned to the shade of white she never thought it could.)

Plot: (14/20)

The plot is general is pretty straightforward - Luhan is a loner in school who everyone avoids, Ginni is a pleasant girl in school who everyone adores and she turned out to fall for Luhan and later Luhan suffered from a disease/illness and passed away. The idea of a guy dying from an illness is very commonly used and adapted in stories and I wouldn't actually say it's original