07-14-12              

24th day in Seoul.

Prince charming, he was so close you could taste him. But eventually you grow up one day, you open your eyes and the fairytale disappears. But the thing is, it’s hard to let go of that fairytale entirely because almost everyone has the smallest bit of faith and hope that one day, they would open their eyes and it would all come true. At the end of the day, you realize that the fairytale is slightly different from your dream.

Yesterday’s a nightmare and I keep on telling myself that it was all a dream and the moment I open my eyes, I’ll see his beautiful face and we’ll still be on that little couch, hugging each other.

I never want to wake up, too bad my alarm rang and the girls barged into my room to check if I’m still alive. I went home yesterday with my mind drifting off to another dimension, with my heart broken into bits and my eyes almost coming out of its sockets. I plopped myself in bed and cried once more, fell asleep then woke up crying again. Everything I do now involves tears even when I was taking a bath awhile ago, I end up crying under the shower.

It’s funny though, coz I’ve never cried so much in years. I actually thought that I’m not capable of crying and it’s for little girls and weak people only. Oh well, I guess I am weak and I’m like a little girl who just discovered that Santa Claus is not true and our parents are the ones giving us all those gifts inside that Christmas sock ( I cried when my mum told me that dad was Santa, I even locked myself inside my room on Christmas Day).

I don’t know what to do, I shut myself from emotions years ago and I’m trying to the same thing now but, I guess my feelings are too strong to even ignore. I’m thinking about reality, I am trying to accept the fact that my fairytale had ended and that prince charming decided not to meet me anymore and went back to his castle. My reality now is I’m an ordinary girl who works her off day and night to finish her 1 year contract and fly back home. Before, I told myself that I am ready to explore the wonders of dating and love but I guess I have to forget about it now. Love and dating is not for a stupid girl like me. I am meant to be alone and I’m slowly accepting it already.

“Sis? Are you already awake?” Railey said softly as I stretched my body and sit up.

“Are you…going to work today?” she asked while reaching for a teddy bear.

“I am…of course…why would I skip work anyway?” I said with my husky voice.

“But—“ she was about to protest when I cut her off.

“I am fine…I am…believe me…I am” I said and started crying again.

“Sis…come here” she let go of the bear and reached for a hug “I know that pain and I know that I can’t do anything to ease that…but trust me…you will get over this…after all…you’re strong…I know you can do this” she continued.

“I don’t want to fool myself anymore…I am not strong Railey…I am just trying to be strong…pretending that I am…I’m the weakest person you’ve ever met” I said and it only made me cry louder.

“You’re not!” she said while holding my shoulders and shaking me lightly.

I may be good in pretending, good in hiding and good in making myself believe that there are positive things in negative matters. I’m starting to lose my life, the life that I thought is already turning out to be great but it ends with pain as usual. All the things that I have, things that I can do, my smart brain, my talents, for me they are nothing now. Yeah. My heart worked its wonders, it showed me a lot of emotions that I’ve never felt before, while my mind almost changed its game. The game of being focused, the game of being organized, the game of plans and the future. I am once again a wrecked human being of this planet and it will take another century to fix me.

“Sis? I made pancakes…c’mon! Let’s have breakfast” Daryl peeked inside my room and found me lying in bed face front.

“Sis?” she walked in and I felt her seat on the side of my bed shoving the big teddy bear beside me.

“I know you’re crying…can you stop it now? I mean...you’ve been awake for hours now and all you just did is cry… aren’t you tired?” she said while rubbing my back gently.

I turned around, my back lying in bed “This is all I can do…right? And I find it really weird…before…you always tell me that it’s Ok to cry…and now…you’re making me stop” I looked at her and felt another tear rolled down my cheeks.

“This is too much sis…you almost cried gallons of tears already…and look at you! You look so wasted…your eyes are puffy…more like it’s swollen….and your voice…it’s so hoarse…all I can hear from you is air…it sounds weird…so weird” she said while giving my teddy bear slight punches.

“Don’t harass my teddy bear...please? And when did we learn to eat breakfast? The last time I checked….coffee is our staple morning energizer” I sit up and grabbed the bear from her, she’s totally harassing.

“Those bears should be in the closet for the time being…seeing them is not healthy…they will just remind you of their original “master”…and sis…people change…we learn to adopt new things…we’re not used to this before and all of a sudden…we see ourselves cooking omelets and pancakes already” she said and stood up then reached for my hand and helped me to get out from bed.

Yeah. People change, and they change in a snap. Take me as an example, I’ve had this game face that I’m gonna work, work and work once I get here but all that changed when this guy came into the picture and taught me things that I’ve never learned before, who made me feel special in every other way. I changed because of him, that I almost forgot the reason why I’m here.

“Sis! Why aren’t you eating?” Railey snapped me back to my senses.

“I’m not hungry” I told h