July 31, 2017

Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny. No marriage that lasts forever is going to be perfect. Part of the fun is the journey and working things out. Life is not a bowl of cherries all the time. Sometimes work, kids, and other things get in the way of the relationship but if people learned to put the marriage and the commitment and vows they made before their own selfish wants and lust, things would be a lot better.

How are you going to face a new day when you feel so tired and miserable? I wasn’t able to sleep last night for my mind is so full that it can’t even take other important things anymore. I’m a mess and my relationship with G-dragon is now a mess how messy can this life be?

I woke up with swollen eyes and a very painful stomach. I feel so uncomfortable and I can already feel that my baby will go out anytime soon. Truth is, I don’t want Gabriella to come out yet for I don’t want her to see how broken me and her dad is right now. I know that this is just a little issue that happened in the past but for as long as that is here and we’re still in one place, we will never be at peace.

What breaks me is that G-dragon lied to me. Fine! His short romance with Lauren is already in the past and it was all good, after all, he just did that to move on. I know that I’ll be really narrow minded if I’ll be making this thing a big deal but you can’t blame me, just thinking of him and Lauren being together now disgusts me and what’s worst is, that doesn’t really mind if she’s hooking up with a family man, she’s selfish and she’s going to make things complicated for us.

The moment I went out of the room, I noticed G-dragon right away for he was sleeping on the couch in the living room, he’s got no blanket and he’s still wearing his clothes yesterday. Looking at him makes me feel so heavy and just by the thought that there’s a possibility of him, having an affair with Lauren really breaks my heart.

“OH! Babe…are you going to work?” G-dragon suddenly woke up shocking me.

“uhmm…yes” I answered awkwardly and he followed me to our room.

“Babe…please…hear me out…if you want me to explain everything to you…I will…just…listen to me” he said while hugging me from the back.

Actually, I don’t want to listen to anyone. I don’t want to talk about the matter anymore for I don’t think that it will just make things better. I feel so messed up that all I want to do is just go to work and leave this messy world even just for a few hours.

“OK…I’m giving you a minute to say your piece…after a minute? I’m going to the bathroom and I will never listen to anything already” I said and he sighed.

“Are you really going to play tough? Babe…I know I’m at fault and I’m sorry…you know so well that I can’t even dare to have an affair and I’ll never do it…what you saw yesterday was pure misunderstanding…the kiss doesn’t mean anything...I swear…It’s….” I turned to face him and I looked at him blankly.

“Your one minute is done….great explanation by the way” I said and went to the bathroom.

I heard him punch the bathroom door and I got scared all of a sudden. I know that he’s dying to explain himself to me but I just don’t want to care about it for now. I’m not feeling good and I want to protect my baby from any stress so I might as well, ignore him and all the things around me.

 I cried myself to sleep and now, I’m crying while bathing. The scene where Lauren kissed my husband keeps on repeating in my mind and it is so disgusting and I’m hurting so much. I just can’t take it anymore and I feel like giving up already.

After my bath, I checked myself in the mirror once again and I’m telling you, I feel like I’m seeing my own ghost. My eyes are super swollen and I look like the most miserable human being in the world. As I was putting lotion on my body, I felt a trickle of liquid down my inner thighs and when I looked at it, there was blood.

“Gabriella…no…don’t do this to mum…please…not now” I whispered and she seemed to tell me that everything’s OK, for she moved around my tummy.

I’ve read this in some books that pregnant women who are about to give birth have the tendency to bleed but it’s nothing serious. I will go crazy if I’ll be giving birth today. Promise!

I went to my closet and chose my outfit for today. I feel like dressing up to at least look normal but I think, I radiate my pain to everyone for I myself is in pain whenever I look at myself in the mirror.

Isabella came running towards me the moment I walked in the living room and she gave me a tight hug. She’s already dressed up for the day and her style is really G-dragon’s style (I don’t like those baggy pants).

“Mum! Look…I’m Big Bang!” she said and I bent down to hug her.

“Babe…be careful” G-dragon said out of nowhere and I just looked at him and sighed.

“I want pancake mum!” Isabella said cheerfully.

“But…we’re already going to mum’s office now….I can buy you something on the way…OK?” I asked and she gave me a pout.

“I’ll drive you there” G-dragon said and I shook my head.

“No…I’m fine…I can manage” I told him and he went in front of me and reached for my hands.

“We really need to talk…I’m serious” he said and I looked away.

“You need to hear everything…babe…it was just pure misunderstanding...please…talk to me…don’t treat me like I’m just a furniture or some kind of a ghost…babe…please” he begged and my heart is already going soft.

“I’m running late…if you want to drive Isabella to the office…then OK…I’ll leave her with you first…I’m going now…bye” I said and kissed Isabella.

I know that I’m being rude once again and I’m acting a bit too much, but this is my way of keeping my thoughts in place and if I’m not going to do this, I might go insane and it’s not good at all.

“Sis…what’s up?” Daryl asked when she walked in my room.

“Nothing” I answered coldly while reading some articles.

“I can feel that you cried so hard last night that you’re not able to sleep well and now….all you can think of is your husband…am I right…or am I correct?” she said and I rolled my eyes at her.

“Please…let’s talk about work here…I’m not really that comfortable with talking about my husband’s sudden love affair” I said and she smirked.

“But you need someone to talk you out of this…and I can feel that I’m that someone…tell me what’s on your mind and I’ll try to analyze and interpret things” she said and I chuckled.

“I know that you’re sick with all my problems already Daryl Chang! No need to hear about this problem anymore…I’m fine…I just need to clear my mind from all the clutters around my brain” I said and she laughed.

“You know what? You’re one of the most stupid people that I’ve ever met…and I’m sure that your mind is telling you once again to quit and leave just to get this all done” she said and I shook my head.

“No…I’m not going to leave….I can’t…I just feel like….I need to breathe some fresh air…go somewhere far and ran away from that …sis…we all know that Lauren hates me…and that hate will really ruin my whole life…she’s going to get whatever she wants even if it will hurt so many people” I told her and she nods in agreement.

“That’s true…but sis…trust Jiyong…he’s not going to screw your marriage just because of that …what we saw yesterday? All the kissing and closeness…it’s just Lauren who is doing those stupid things…I can feel that Jiyong is trying to brush her off but she’s really pushy…I swear!” she said and my mind is once again scattered all over the place.

“I don’t know…I actually don’t want to talk about this matter now because I’m damn pregnant! I’m going to give birth anytime and I don’t want to put my baby’s life in risk…I need to get away from all the stress because it’s going to complicate things”