I’m empty and dead, I don’t know how to pick myself up after she left. She’s my life and the air that I breathe. How will I be able to live now? I’m hurting so much and I hate her but I love her more. What did I do wrong to deserve this kind of treatment? She should’ve told me that she’s not happy and she wants to let go of our relationship already. I thought she’s a strong and brave girl but I was wrong, she’s the weakest girl I’ve ever met. She didn’t even have the guts to break up with me in person. Her letter was in pieces right after I read it and it went straight into the trash. I don’t think that I can move on, I’m not even planning to.

Railey and Daryl’s mouths have been shut by her and of course I cannot make them speak out, they don’t want to betray their friend while they’re friend betrayed me. It’s been 3 months and up till now, her scent, her voice and her touch is all I want and although I know that she will not come back again, I still hope and pray that one day our paths will cross and all the questions in my mind will be answered.

I went back to working non-stop. I sold the house that we both shared to lessen the pain, that house has been our home for months and living there is just pure torture to me. Every memory that I have of her are still fresh and it seems so surreal to know that the woman who made me feel madly in-love has left me without even any good reason.

The truth is, up to now I don’t know why she has done this. I’ve asked YG hyung about the real reason why she left and he told me that ________ wanted to go back to her normal life and that’s it. Stupid right? I know that there is more to that and I have a strong feeling that it was because of all the third parties that our relationship has.

Surprisingly, after she left, everything went smooth and work keeps on coming. I’m promoting my solo album and 1 month from now, Big Bang will be promoting our group album. Is this some kind of curse? My heart has to be broken for me to be able to step up my game? I don’t care about all the luxuries in the world anymore, what’s the use of it if all I’m living for is not here.

I cry myself to sleep like what she usually did whenever she can’t take our problems anymore and I’ve never imagined myself to act like this. Break ups are just normal for me, I’ve break hearts and experienced being heartbroken but this is just too painful. Everywhere I look, her face is all I see and even in my dreams she’s always the star in every story which made me want to sleep forever because in my dreams, she’s happy and we’re together.

I’m still trying to find her, I tried calling her parents but they don’t know where she is as well. I went to look for her everywhere and even made social network accounts just to track her but in the end, I’ve found nothing. I don’t have any idea where she went but I just wish that she’s in a good place and she’s safe.

Life stopped for me, she took every bit of me with her and for me to go back to the human Jiyong again, she has to come back and fix me. I know that she’s got a good reason on why she left, she’s so smart to even think of this stupid idea but I can’t blame her. She might’ve felt so much pressure and sadness with me that all she wants to do is break free. I can’t hate her coz my love for her is undying and eternal. All I want right now is for her to realize that she can’t live without me and tomorrow when I open my eyes, she’ll be smiling at me again.

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March 5, 2013

Someone once said, it’s the good girls who keep diaries while the bad girls never have the time. Well, I am a bad girl but I’m on my second diary already.

This is the start of a new life for me. I’m away from all the chaos of the past and I’m living everyday like any normal people. I am building a new world for me and my baby and although I  know that running away from everybody is the most stupid thing that I’ve done, it left me with no choice and if only I can bring back time and change all those stupid decisions, I’ll certainly change every detail of it.

I’m living in New York now, mum and dad migrated here with me. I live in a spacious apartment (thanks to my parents who’s shouldering everything). I’m all alone here and 5 months from now, my baby will be accompanying me.

I left Korea silently, the people in YG entertainment knows nothing about my sudden decision to leave. President YG had a hard time agreeing with my plan but in the end, he let me go because I told him that I’m just going to find myself and maybe in time, I’ll go back as a better person. He and Teddy knows about my pregnancy and they even tried to convince me to stay, President YG almost ripped the contract that Alfie’s dad signed but I stopped him because I don’t want Alfie to think that I talked with him. I’m keeping my promise to him no matter what just to tell him that I won the game and that he’s one pathetic obsessed little guy.

G-dragon’s sister Dami-unni, knows about my pregnancy as well and it took me a lot of courage to tell her. She has promised to keep it from G-dragon, I told her that it’s better to keep it first for he will not be able to move on knowing that he has a baby with me. It is hard to leave and I shed a lot of tears because of that.

There are times where I just want to go back and be with G-dragon again. He’s all I can ever think of and my mind and heart is always with him. I promised myself that I’ll never love again, that G-dragon will be the only man that will have my heart. It may sound impossible but I will surely make it possible. He’s everything to me and