August 15, 2017

If I had the whole world to write on to express how much I love him, it wouldn’t all fit. The best and most beautiful things cannot be seen or even touched they must be felt with the heart. Love is not about finding the right person, but creating a right relationship. It’s not about how much love you have in the beginning, but how much love you build till the end.

I’m still in the dark and up till now, the memory of my husband with another girl is still fresh in my mind. I actually wished that it was just a dream, a nightmare. I’m like a glass that was broken into pieces but is still trying to be fixed. I know that my life will turn into a different route from now on and fighting for myself is what I have to prepare for.

Gabriella and I will be going home today and I’m really excited. I can’t wait to be a full time mother and although I’m still injecting it in my mind that I need to give up work for the meantime, I’m still happy because I’ll spend every hour of everyday with my beautiful daughters.

G-dragon really changed a lot and I can tell that he’s really trying his best to get back my trust, and I must admit, there are times that I’m giving in to him. I don’t know, it seems like no matter how much pain he gives me, I always find myself loving him more and wanting him more. I know that I need to teach him a lesson that I have to be tough for he has to know that what he did is totally wrong.

“Babe…do you need help?” G-dragon asked when he saw me going to the bathroom.

“I’m fine…thanks” I answered and he sighed.

I am being really cold and I know that it’s hurting him, but I have to. Truth is, I still have a little trust for him, it’s just that, I can’t forget what he did to me, what I saw days ago broke me into pieces.

I cried again while taking a bath, I guess it’s already becoming a habit for nobody can hear my sobs. My tears are purely because of pain and although  I know that I should be happy because our new baby is already here, I don’t want to fool myself, it’s easier for me to admit that I’m a mess, that I was cheated, that I’m in pain than to pretend that I’m fine

Nobody except the girls knows about our problem. They are still in a non speaking term with G-dragon and they are ignoring him BIGTIME. Daryl talked to him yesterday and she told me that she has a strong feeling that it’s not G-dragon’s fault but Lauren’s. I don’t know, I don’t want to talk about it as much as possible.

The girls told me that there are many fans and press outside the hospital for everyone is curious about Gabriella. We received a lot of calls asking if they can have a picture of our new daughter and I’m telling you, they are willing to pay just for that. Of course, G-dragon and I both said no for we want Gabriella to be private for now. Well, Isabella is making noise all over Seoul because she has been counted as one of the most beautiful kids in Korea. I told G-dragon that I want to keep our kids in private, that as much as possible, they will live their lives away from the cameras and from the loud screams of people and he agreed with me.

At last! I can already wear my clothes again. I’ll be missing all my maternity clothes though. I’ve decided to dress up a little so that if ever the press was able to take photos of me, I’ll look nice and decent.

“All set?” Appa asked and I checked the baby bag once again.

“Babe…I’m going to put this in the car first…wait for me here…OK?” G-dragon said while carrying big bags in both hands.

“OK” I answered.

I don’t know how he can take me being cold to him. He acts like nothing happened and the way he talks to me is still the same. Sometimes, I feel like, I’m just making a big deal out of this, that I just have to listen to his explanations and believe it.

When he came back to the room, Gabriella is already with me and I was sitting on the couch while watching her sleep. I didn’t noticed him walked in but when I heard his camera clicked, that’s when I know that he’s already in the room.

“Are you ready to go home now?” he asked the moment I looked up.

“Yes…I can’t wait to see Isabella” I answered and he smiled at me.

I haven’t seen Isabella for two straight days and I know that she is really missing us already. I don’t know how to handle an infant and a toddler at the same time but what I know is, it’s going to be one of the hardest things that I have to deal with.

I was shocked when I saw the people who are waiting for us outside the hospital. As our car passed by, the people are trying to have a glimpse of us but because of the heavy tinted windows, they can’t even see anything.

“Are you comfortable? Do you want a pillow on your back?” G-dragon asked.

“No…I’m fine” I answered and he wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him.

He is touchy and we still kiss once in a while but I always remind myself that I am civil to him which means, it’s OK for us to talk but these sweet gestures are not supposed to be part of it.

“Jiyong…are you not going to work today?” I asked him randomly.

“YG hyung gave me a week off…he told me that I have to help you take care of the kids” he said and I nod.

Oh c’mon! It’s easier for me to move around without him in the house. It’s really awkward to do anything when I know that he’s watching me.

The moment we walked in the house, Isabella came running towards me and she have this huge smile on her face that made my heart melt. Omma and Dami-unni were there as well and they are really happy to see us. There was even a banner that says, “Welcome home mum and Gabriella!” on it. It really is nice to be home and I missed it so much.

“MUM!” Isabella said while hugging me.

“Hi baby girl…how are you?” I asked and she reached up for me to carry her.

This is really going to be a problem. I was carrying Gabriella and Isabella wants to be carried, what will I do?

“Omma…can you hold Gabriella for me?” I asked my mother in-law and she excitedly got Gabriella.

“ Hey baby girl! Mum missed you so much!” I said while carrying her.

Truth is, I’m not yet allowed to carry heavy things but because I can’t say no to my daughter, I’m going to endure the pain.

“I missed you too!” Isabella replied and hugged me tight by the neck.

“Omo…Isabella…you don’t want Aunt Dami anymore?” Dami-unni asked and Isabella looked at me and gave out a pout.

“Aigoo…why are you making my granddaughter choose between you and her mother?” Omma asked and we all laughed.

Omma and Dami-unni were the ones who took care of Isabella while we’re at the hospital and I must say, Isabella is learning how to speak in Korean already for she can say Annyeonghaseyo in perfect crisp Korean accent.

“Baby girl…dad will carry you now” G-dragon said and reached out to Isabella but she just shook her head and hugged me.

“It’s OK Jiyong” I said and he guided me to the couch.

“Do you want something babe?” G-dragon asked and I shook my head.

He really is taking care of me to the max! He always asks me if I’m OK, what I want to eat