09-07-12

78th day in Seoul.

An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby’s birth and whispered as she closed the book “too beautiful for earth”. How very softly you tiptoed into my world, almost instantly, only a moment you stayed. But what an imprint your footprints have left in our hearts.

I feel nothing but pain, losing my baby is something that my mind and heart cannot take. I still blame myself for what happened although everybody’s telling me that no one is to blame. If it weren’t for my stubbornness, I would’ve been a happy pregnant woman now. I’m regretting everything and if only I can bring back time, I certainly will do all the things just for that baby to live.

It’s been 4 days since the incident and I’m already discharged from the hospital. Going out of that white room has brought me back to reality. I woke up with G-dragon’s arm hugging me and I can feel his breath on my nape. I know that he’s hurting but he just doesn’t show it for he knows that it’s going to affect me. I actually thought that it will be the end of our relationship, but he didn’t let go and I’m really happy because of that.

I’m planning to go back to work today for I don’t want to be stuck in this big house for a long time, it’ll just make me think of that bad incident and it might make me insane. The only problem is, G-dragon doesn’t know anything about my plans. I was given 2 weeks leave from work by President YG but I just can’t last for 2 weeks without working. I want my mind to be busy so that even for a short time, I’ll be able to forget everything that has happened.

The moment I sat up, G-dragon squirm and shifted to his signature sleeping position. I still find it cute even though I’m so used to seeing him sleep like that. I can’t help but smile while looking at him but I’m still hurting. He really wants that baby, and it’s all gone now.

“Baby girl” G-dragon turned to face me with a smile on his face.

“Hey…Good Morning” I greeted him while trying to smile.

“Why are you up so early?” he sat up with his eyes half open.

“I want to work already…that’s why I woke up early” I told him as he joined me on the couch and hugged me.

“Baby girl…you’re on leave right? And I don’t want you to work yet…just stay here and rest” he said then kissed my temple.

“But babe…I don’t want to be alone here…I might go crazy….I swear!” I said and he laughed.

“I’ll call the boys and manager hyung to tell them that I’m not going to work today…I’m going to stay here with you” he said and was about to get up to get his phone when I stopped him.

“Babe…no need for that…let’s just go to work…after all…we’ll be in the same place….you can check on me anytime” I told him and he shook his head.

“No…baby girl….don’t push it anymore…my decision’s final” he said and kissed my forehead.

OK. So what are we going to do now? We’ll be here for the whole day and then what? I really want to work and I know that he’s got a lot of things to do as well.

“I’ll cook breakfast…OK? Just wait here” he said and I grabbed his hand to stop him.

“Babe….it’s still early and I know that you weren’t able to sleep last night…just go back to bed…I’m not hungry after all” I said.

I had a hard time sleeping last night and I kept on tossing and turning around in bed and because of that, he wasn’t able to sleep as well. We even watched a movie while waiting for sleep to overtake me. He fell asleep a few minutes before that movie ended even though he’s the one telling me that he is really looking forward to the end of the movie and it turns out that he’s the one who wasn’t able to wait for it.

“You need to eat…c’mon….help me cook” he said sweetly and pulled me up to stand.

“I think…I’ll just carry you” he said and scooped me up before I can even protest.

I cherished that sweet moment, for these past days, he’s always taking care of me. He only leaves the hospital if he has some schedules but after that, even how tired and sleepy he is, he will still tell me about his day and keeps me entertained.

“Just sit here” he said while putting me down on the island counter.

“What do you want to eat? Pancake and sausage or bacon and egg?” he said while scanning the fridge.

“Anything” I told him and he winked at me.

He made pancakes and sausage for breakfast and I’m telling you, he’s already a pro. I think he can do that even with eyes closed.

“Baby girl…what do you want to do today?” he asked cheerfully while feeding me some pancake.

“Up to you” I answered and smiled.

“Wanna watch a movie?” he said and I looked at him and I can’t help but laugh.

“OH! You’re already laughing! Yah! What did you remember that made you laugh? Aigoo” he asked as I catch my breath.

“Last night….you’re dying to know the ending of the movie…and you even told me that you’ll not sleep without knowing how it ended…but what did you do? You fell asleep minutes before the movie ends” I said .

“AISH! Let’s watch it again” he said.

“OK” I agreed and stared at him.

I saw his face lit up the moment he heard me laugh. I’m trying really hard to make him happy, he’s going through a lot and I want to lessen his burden by not being a burden.

“Baby girl” he called out from the room.

“Yes?” I asked coming inside from the balcony.

“Nothing…I just want to call you” he said while wrapping his arms around my wa