The title is a cute title, in my opinion, however right now, I can’t see any relevance it has to the story. It may link into the plot in the future, but right now, I can’t really see why you have chosen this title. Though by the looks of it, the title will eventually look to fit the story especially with so many different things going on at the same time. I think the title itself sound common and typical to the stories you get on AFF. I wouldn’t say it’s something very unique, nor will I say it’s a title that almost every story has. I think in terms of uniqueness and individuality, it’s not too high in those scales. It draws readers in because it foreshadows a happy ending, but sometimes that ruins the plot of the story.

Your description is quite detailed, I would say, especially since you have described the characters in there as well. It does tell the reader what the story is going to be about but I would say it somehow gives a little too much away. By telling your readers what kind of people your main characters are, it takes away the suspense you can build up in your stories that leads up to the revelation of the characters’ personality. Like I have mentioned previously about your title, the last part of your description gives away the ending of the story as it foreshadows a happy ending, which could be a bad thing because it reduces your readers’ expectations and excitement towards the end as they already know that it’s going to be a happy ending.

You have included a character description in the forewords part of the front page, which is good because it allows your readers to familiarise themselves with the characters before they read the story. It’s a good thing that you’ve also described them rather than just listing who they were. However, after reading your current chapters, it is quite surprising, in my opinion, that you have included the other girls in this section, since they do play quite a big role in the story as well as the guys. But overall, your description and foreword are pretty good, well done!

Both the poster and the background are very well made. They both match each other, considering that the same person has made it. The poster gives off a calm feeling, which reminds me of a rather pure and fluffy story, which I think doesn’t really suit this story that well. I think if the poster looked a little more playful than this, it will fit the story much more, judging how the dorm is always loud and chaotic - if you can have that portrayed well in the poster, it will easily earn you full marks in this section. Nonetheless, the graphics are very pretty indeed!

I’d say for most parts, your characters are pretty consistent throughout the story and there aren’t many huge discrepancies that causes confusion. It’s a good thing that you have a variety of different characters in your story, varying from the quiet students to the crazy gamer. But because of the diversity of your characters, it will become harder to keep track of all of them as well as keeping them in character so remember, it’s essential to know your characters well off by heart!

Back to your characters, I can see that most of them are very well thought out, though there are gaps here and there that needs filling in. For example, I’m having trouble understanding what kind of person Ella actually is. Is she introverted or is she simply too confused about everything to speak? I think Ella’s quietness needs a little more elaboration. For example, since she came back from England, is she having language problems or is she not used to the Korean culture? I feel that Ella is definitely a character that you need to work on in terms of developing her fully in a way that your readers will understand. But of course, you’re only about ten chapters into the story so you have plenty of time to do what you need to do, and that is one of the reasons why I cannot give you a full mark in this section.

I think overall, your story layout is beautiful, though I feel that your font is a little too small. I found myself having to make the font bigger each time I read a new chapter, but that could just be me because I’m short-sighted. You’re writing in paragraphs and it’s easy to follow what you’re writing so that’s a definite plus point. On the other hand, I find your page separators a little to light to see. The first time I saw one, I thought my screen was going weird until I realised that it was there on purpose. I like the way you’ve chosen your colour theme to match your background, that’s always good to see, though I’m not entirely sure if it was your intention in the first place or not.

You have a good backbone of a storyline here, but I wouldn’t say that your story is completely original. The main character having to take care of another main character that is too naive to take care of themselves is certainly one of the ‘hot topics’ in fanfics. However, I don’t feel that your story is too cliche in this case - you’re making it fun by adding in different people and different side stories. Although one problem I find with your plot is that there are too many things going on at the same time. All your supporting characters have a love story of their own that needs multiple chapters to write about. I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing for your supporting characters to have their own story, but I feel that I’m reading more about your side characters rather than about Mark and Ella, who are your main characters here. I feel like there is a lack of focus in the current plotline and that it’s quite unclear at first as to who exactly is the main character.

On the whole, you’ve done a good job in to making this story a really cliche and cheesy one. Though this is all I can really comment on because your story has yet to finish and I can’t really see where you’re going with the details, though I think I have a pretty good idea of how things are going to end up for your characters in terms of relationships. Nonetheless, continue to try your best and you’ll get there someday!

The flow of the story is brilliant. Things are going at a steady pace and nothing seems to happen out of the blue and it’s all sailing on calm seas. It’s pretty obvious that the Jackson and Sumin thing has been going on for a while, and that things in the dorm has kind of always been like this prior to Ella’s arrival. I like the way how Ella doesn’t mess the flow up, unlike some characters you get in other fics, so this is definitely something I want to praise you on!

For this part, it’s quite hard for me to fully comment on your writing style in terms of imagery and descriptions. Your text focuses mainly on the characters’ dialogues and their actions rather than their surroundings and their feelings. You don’t have as much descriptive writing as I thought you would have, but nonetheless you have conveyed your ideas across to your readers well in a way that most people will understand, even with basic knowledge of the language.

I’m not sure as to whether English is your first language or not so I’m just going to make general comments about your grammar and spelling. First of all, your grammar. I can see that you’re trying hard to keep your tenses consistent throughout the chapters but there are some areas where you have switches between tenses, or got confused.

For example:

Original: All she did was drinking alcohol, wondered off somewhere, and came back in the morning.
Corrected: All she did was drink alcohol, wander off somewhere, and come back in the morning.
Explanation: Because the word ‘did’ is in the past tense, verbs ending with ‘ing’ in this case will contradict the tense as verbs ending with ‘ing’ means that the actions are done in the present tense. Therefore, in this case, when you want to talk about an action that was done in the past, you need to use the infinitive form of the verbs (e.g. to drink, to wander off, to come) so that the verbs don’t have a tense to it and it therefore won’t contradict with the previous verb that had dictated the tense already.

Other than your tenses, I feel that sometimes, your sentence structures and your wording are a bit off.

Some examples are:

Original: He tried to be a good role model for his other dorm members as he was the oldest in Florence Dorm and took care of them.
Corrected: He tried to be a good role model for his other dorm members and as he was the oldest in Florence Dorm, he took care of them.
Original: Sometimes Mark wondered what kind of mysterious world plays inside Jackson’s world.
Corrected: Sometimes, Mark wondered what kind of mysterious world is inside Jackson's head.
Original: He gave a wink at her.
Corrected: He gave her a wink.
Original: She gave death glare at Jackson.
Corrected: She gave jackson a death glare.

In contrast to your grammar, I feel that you have no problem with your spelling so you don’t have to worry about that a lot. I think overall, you need to go through your work in some detail and try to correct similar mistakes that I have pointed out. It may worth it to get a beta-reader just to read through your work to double check for some small mistakes. The good thing is that your mistakes aren’t so grave that will get in the way of reading and understanding your text.

 

 

I find your story quite entertaining, especially when you have a character like Jackson in your story! The feeling that your story gives out is very calming, perfect for a quick read in the afternoon with a cup of tea or something. It’s quite amusing how you’ve made Mark into the studious and helpful kind of guy - I’d always picture him as the bad boy of the gang or some rich guy that doesn’t have to worry about a thing in life, so reading this Mark has been quite a new experience for me!