B#6 | Lewd Melody | sunflowerpots
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Title
Author
Characters
Category
Genre
Status
Lewd Melody
sunflowerpots
Huang Zitao and Wu YiFan
(BxB)
Romance, Drama,
One-Shot (completed)
Description
Tao's younger brother's piano teacher unintentionally attracts his attention and draws unexpected affection from the latter. Even though YiFan is a man of respect and morality, he couldn't help but fall for a married person.
Title
The title fits the story, and the meaning behind it is relevant to the story as well as the plot itself. The title isn't really rare but it isn't common which is quite alright. However, it isn't all that eye-catching so if I were to scroll down a list of stories, I would scroll past yours but other than this dullness feel to it, the title is good and relates to the story so well done.
Descr.&Forew.
Meh. I wasn't sure whether you were typing in past or present tense. Please stick to one tense as to make the story flow better. Here is a revised version of the description of the story.
In past tense:
It was like any other song one could hear from an individual playing the piano. There was a start and there was an end, (The sentence structure is much better and flows well if you put a comma instead of a full stop) but one could always replay it again and again like a memory when one wanted to recall it. Only Zitao wasn't sure if he really wanted to bring back that memory of himself in Wu Yifan's arms - though, he just couldn't bring to stop himself from replaying it over and over in his head, and trying to imagine it was his husband holding him instead.
In present tense:
t is like any other song one can hear from an individual playing the piano. There is a start and there is an end, but one can always replay it again and again like a memory when one wants to recall it. Only Zitao isn't sure if he really wants to bring back that memory of himself in Wu Yifan's arms - though, he just cannot bring to stop himself from replaying it over and over in his head, and trying to imagine it is his husband holding him instead.
The foreword/description gives readers a taste of what may be in store for them when deciding to read the story. It does not give everything away - even as I was reading the description, I didn't have a clue as to what the story may bring and I badly wanted to know so I couldn't wait to start reading and I'm sure that is how most readers will think of when stumbling upon your story so good job for that.
Graphics
To be completely honest, your graphics are quite interesting. It's a mix of light and darkness and I absolutely adore it all. It gives us readers a sense that the story may bring melodrama, light romance as well as a heavy theme due to the dark background. Both the poster and background fit the story and the genres so I really don't have anything bad to say regarding your graphics - other than the colors not really complementing each other (the color green does not really contrast well with the rest of the theme, etc.)
Char. Dev.
The characters are portrayed in a realistic way so kudos for that. The characters didn't seem to be perfect but their flaws weren't really shown as well throughout the story so I can't really say too much regarding this topic. However, I absolutely love the idea of how Tao was portrayed. He felt so real. His emotions, thoughts, guilt, etc. all played very well throughout and it really felt like Tao, in this concept, was a very real person who was just a human being who gave into lust, I mean we all do it. We give into unwanted desires and we make mistakes as well so I applaud you for that. I like how you portrayed Ren, his younger brother, as someone who seemed quite playful, arrogant, childish and cute. Kris' character seemed demanding, but a big softie which contradicted his whole personality and he seemed like a bundle of mystery and I wanted to know more about him through their interactions. I would have liked to know how they came about being good friends and all as you only stated it in the middle of the story - I would have liked it very much if you showed us instead of just saying that they grew closer. Sehun wasn't really there for the most part but was still an important character in the story. His character gave off the vibe that he was caring, exceptionally cruel (he was so understanding instead of slapping Tao and breaking their marriage off, etc.) and patient and loving. It made me feel sorry for him, that Tao lusted after Kris and I just couldn't deal with it all, I even wished that he lusted after someone as well during his business trip (like Lu Han hahaha). Because it's a one-shot, there wasn't really a huge character development going around with the characters so I am a bit saddened by that as you could have showed us more instead of just telling us that this and that happened, etc.
Appearance
I don't get why appearance is such a huge part as it doesn't really help much with the story itself. The fonts used were neither too large nor too small. It didn't bother me at all. The story was structured clearly and we were able to follow through with the storyline easily.
Orgin.&Plot
Not the best plot out there but that's not to say it lacked creativity and originality. Some parts were cliche but I mean, I have nothing against it as cliche can sometimes be good, if used properly, of course. Yes, the story does have a typical plotline like any other story, however, your story has a completely new and innovative feel to it, like it is an 'alternate universe' all by itself especially with the ending happening and all as anyone would have expected Sehun to run off. Personally, I didn't like the ending as it was quite unnatural and it felt a little bit off as in real life situations, anyone would dump Tao right away. But then again, who's to say that this ending of yours has never happened in real-life situations? So nice job for owning the rather cliche plot and making it your own with your writing style.
Flow
I don't have anything against your flow. I quite liked it actually, it was well thought-out. The flow of the story ran smoothly and it ended on a bittersweet note. However, the story did go a little fast as I would have wanted to know more about the developing relationships between the characters, etc. but other than this, the flow isn't too bad.
Writing
The way you conveyed the ideas/words in your story made everything more enjoyable to read. But I did find one flaw throughout, you would sometimes use wordings instead of imagery. We want you, the author(s), to paint us a picture, to paint us a bloody movie, not to paint us with dull words. We want our minds to wander off elsewhere, we want your imagination to take us away to a faraway land. If your eyes could speak, what would they say?
Gramm.&Spel.
There were a few here and there that kind of made me itch. I am not entirely sure if your mother tongue is english or not but I have found mistakes throughout the story which were quite noticeable and became a hindrance. I will type out the revised version of the mistakes instead:
At the start of the story, you placed an apostrophe between the 0 and the s in the 1900s. I believe this isn't proper. It should be 1900s without the apostrophe. Another revised version (you will have to find these as I cannot be bothered explaining where they are in the story; the revised versions I will type down are in order from the beginning of the story to the ending to give you a head start) 'of being near his family'.
'didn't affect him': no comma needed
'seated before the white piano': You do not have to add the seat in after the white piano as you have already typed down seated
who was seated on the other one.
there faces were: you typed down, their face was
"… my hands are different from yours." :You typed down 'than' instead of 'from'.
"… he's weird most of the time.": You typed down the plural for times which I believe is incorrect).
He rested his …
Bounced off the walls …
And he felt shaken: There was a typo in your sentence where this was used.
On an awkward note …
Those fingers as well as those plush lips were neither his husband's … : Sentence revision
Unlike the ones he had just imagined … : Mix of tense
Everything he pictured was not of his husband's …
It made him feel things in his stomach …: You used on instead of in.
It was making him feel uncomfortable and wonderful … : Sentence revision
He had learnt the piano …
With ease and less focus …
Which both of them were thankful for …
That his lover was finally …
With a hand on one of his sides …
His legs were wrapping around …
And that was when he realized …
He thought the man …
It was a crime …
He felt like he had broken two hearts in one night …
But there were no signs of the piano teacher, … (you typed down, their face was)
It was (More formal than having true as the start of the sentence) true that Yifan's scent was long gone from his body and that the marks he had left on Zitao's skin had disappeared along with himself (absence, in this context, would not make sense at all) but Zitao was still a mess (instead of ending the sentence, it is better to replace the full stop with a but).
Of having control of himself …
Find a way to fix and make things right …
" … And I should be punished for such a crime … "
Whom he vowed to be forever with till death do them apart …
And hug Zitao tightly …
Zitao croaked out once again, "I love you so much."
These are just some of the mistakes that I was able to spot during my read of the story. Your tenses do get mixed up and I advise you to seek for a beta reader, someone who can fix the tenses up for you, etc. I also advise changing some overused words such as 'plush' and 'giggle'. Your spelling was really really good and I didn't really spot any spelling mistakes and the use of vocabulary was nice! I loved the big words that were used throughout.
Gen.Enjoym.
I have read stories with plots similar to yours but I must say, yours was quite enjoyable and I couldn't help but squeal at most parts of taoris. I did feel sorry for Sehun though, he seemed so pure and good, I got angry at Tao. I enjoyed the story but I just wanted more of taoris interactions and how they became closer, etc. Thank you for having us review your work. Who knows? Maybe your story will get featured on the asianfanfics page. Take care.
Title : 7/10
Description & Foreword: 5/10
Graphics: 7/10
Character Development: 5.6/10
Appearance : 10/10
Originality & Plot: 7.7/10
Flow: 7/10
Writing: 6.5/10
Grammar & Spelling: 6/10
General Enjoyment: 5/10
66.8 / 100
Reviewer: 170100
date : 1st of January, 2016 (Happy New Year!)
CREDITS :
Credits to 170100 [170] @ Steph's Bookclub Review Shop ©
COMMENTS / Thoughts & REMINDER
Comments & thoughts
I thoroughly enjoyed most parts of the story and I loved the and how Tao felt guilty, etc.
REMINDER
+Comment if you saw this review
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Comments