B#5 | The Princess' Assistant | mainspirit
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Title
Author
Characters
Category
Genre
Status
The Princess's Assistant
mainspirit
Sehun & Eun Gi (OC)
B*G
Romance, school life
OG (8 Chap)
Description
I will hold my first love and memories that will stay forever deep in my heart. I will keep my promises. -Eun Gi
Title
It’s a good title for your story. Eun Gi may be the princess’s assistant, sometimes I thought the story was more about Sehun than Eun Gi.
Descr.&Forew.
The foreword is a bit messy with quotes and than the summary than the quotes again. It kind of put me off. For the 8 chapters I’ve read I haven’t noticed a lot about the other love in Eun Gi’s life. Although I can think of who it is, it doesn’t seem very clear she doesn’t seem very hurt about loosing her love. So the quotes and text might not be relevant at the moment. Maybe it’ll come later but for now, I can’t really rely on the quotes and the description.
Graphics
Well, you use diffirent kind of graphics. The main one fits the story although there isn’t mention of Luhan. For the rest of the graphics. You’re story is the more bubbly, fluffy kind and I can’t see why there is like a dark poste in there that doesn’t match with your genre. It’s a nicely made poster but it’s more suitable for a thriller kind of type. As I said the main one fits your story the best and the background too. It made a lot of references between the pink background and the actual story.
Char. Dev.
The characters are a bit vague, I didn’t get a lot of detail of how they looked, with clown reference I finally knew what Sehun’s hair color was. (or maybe it is just me and I’ve read over it than I’m sorry). Their characters seemed a be flat too. I just didn’t have a feeling that I really knew what Eun Gi was like or the rest of the Characters. Luhan hasn’t appeared although I think he has, with a couple of subtle hints. But I feel like he will be more of a background Character than an actual main-character. I can be totally wrong about the hints but I think the boy in red on the soccer field is Luhan.
Appearance
The appearance of the foreword is messed up. I’m sorry but using different fonts and styles of fonts is just aweful. Like you have diffirent quotes in diffirent fonts that aren’t really suiting to your story. You have diffirent kind of Alignments for the foreword too. One is centered another is left, than centered again. As a designer and layouter that is just NG. Try to one font that you are comfortable with and use that. But please don’t use dffirent kinds. I’m repeating myself I’m sorry :s. For the rest of your story. Try to give the reader a moment to breath, like try to put in more white it gives the reader a little rest. It’s good that you used a line to separate the scenes but let some rooms between the lines and the text. The font size and font choice overall in chapters was good. A sans-serif for screen is better than a serif-styled of font.
Orgin.&Plot
You’re plot is a bit of a cliché, but it’s not uncreative either. Why it is a cliché, I’ve read a couple of stories like yours. I like stories with your plot so I enjoyed it.
Flow
The flow of the story seem to go smooth but a little slow in the beginning,
Writing
Sometimes it lacks a bit of content that describes a certain place. I guess I only know that the classroom has a window that looks over a soccer field and that her room is pink. Try to put more description of places in your story. Further I think you portrait your ideas pretty well.
Gramm.&Spel.
I don’t think English is your first language, but for that it’s well written although there are a few mistakes. There are some mistakes in use of grammar, for example in your tenses. You get mixed up by present and past tenses and you don’t always conjugate your verbs well. For the rest you sometimes forgot a letter or mistyped a word. For example
Chapter 1
Original : She shifted a few feets away from Tiffany who make a face at Eun Gi's weird action in this early monday morning.
Revised: She shifted a few feet away from Tiffany who made a face at Eun Gi's weird action in this early monday morning.
Original: Then,why don't our idol takes one of her minions or what you call your fanboys to date you?hehehe.."she suggested and left quickly as Tiffany rained all the things she could get her hands on at her.
Revised: Than why doesn't our idol take one of her minions or what you call your fanboys on a date you?
Original: Pillows attack
Revised: pillow attack
Original: Eun Gi kissed Mrs. Cha cheeks and took a piece of sandwich
Revised: Eun Gi kissed Mrs. Cha’s cheek and took a piece of sandwich
Original: He grumbled and scanned the car par for
Revised: car park
Original: Tiffany who have been keeping a straight face all along elbowed Eun Gi who sat beside her and mouthed 'thank you'.Eun Gi nodded without looking at her and replied 'treat me later'.Tiffany beam a smile at Eun Gi and nodded while sticking her tongue out playfully.
Revised: Tiffany who had been keeping a straight face
Original: "Ehem..as I were saying..
Revised: Ehem… as I was saying
Original: What are taking them so long
Revised:What is taking them so long
Original.He scratched his head that are moving spontaneously a bit to the right.
Revised: .He scratched his head that was moving spontaneously a bit to the right.
Original: "Mr.kang seats back to his chair and look at Sehun
Revised: "Mr.kang sat back to his chair and look at Sehun
Chapter 2
Original: histeric, histerically
Revised: hysteric; hysterically
Original: 'Since when did My friends became a fairytale princes on a unicorns?'
revised' Since when did my friends became fairytale princes on unicorns?'
chapter 3
original: she’s gorgous
revised: she’s gorgeous
original: I hear you, I just one to finish
revised: I heard you, I just want to finish
Chapter 4
Original: I really want to go to a double date
Revised : I really want to go on a double date
Chapter 7
Original: none of your problem
Revised: none of your business
For the rest like I’ve said there are some grammar mistakes, misusage in tenses and some of mistyped words.
Gen.Enjoym.
I liked your story, but I didn’t love it. I’m going to follow up because I want to know what interactions you have in mind for Sehun and Eun Gi. I enjoyed it, it’s a fluffy kind of read in between studies.
Title : 6/10
Description & Foreword: 4/10
Graphics: 6/10
Character Development: 5/10
Appearance : 6/10
Originality & Plot: 7/10
Flow: 6/10
Writing: 6/10
Grammar & Spelling: 7/10
General Enjoyment: 7/10
60 / 100
Reviewer: writerFairy
date : 21 / 03 / 2015
CREDITS :
Credits to writerFairy [WF] @ Steph's Bookclub Review Shop ©
COMMENTS / Thoughts & REMINDER
Comments & thoughts
So, I’m going to let you in a secret. I’m normally not a reviewer, but I wanted to help my sister out since a lot of our reviewers are on hiatus and the last stories needed to be finished. I enjoyed your stories, it’s what I would read in a book or what I would watch like in a movie, when I wanted some romance, high school story ^^ I hope you won’t think I’m too harsh and I probably did a crappy job as this is my first review that I’ve done. I’m normally a graphic designer. If I was rude or too harsh I’m so sorry.
REMINDER
+Comment if you saw this review
+Don't forget to add proper credits with the link back to the shop!
Comments