Title: Gods & Monsters
Author:Mindearser
Characters: Jaejoong × OC's
Genre: Romance, angst, mystery
Rating: Rated M
Status: On-going
Description: Neglected and abandoned in a box, on the side of the road, at only nine months old, it's no surprise Kim Jaejoong not only has PTSD..

Title (4/10):
The title is common seen thus it is not eye catching at all and so far I do not think it matches well with the story so please change it if possible. A good story is always eye catching if the tittle is unique and rare!

Description & Foreword (6/10):
Your description is pretty well done. It does not give off the whole story but it does not really capture the readers' attention. You need to end off with a big question mark. By just telling them that he is going to put his twisted mentality to the ultimate test only leave the reader curious what test, who is that guy and why he wanted to do it hence not getting all curious but if you leave them by a such as, " A revenge is all he wanted but his twisted mentality is pulling him away from his revenge" etc. Your foreword is just some background info of Jaejoong which I do not think is needed. Instead I suggest you delete away that and put your notice in chapter 1 as your foreword. That would be clearer as the point of description and foreword is to give your readers a short summary of the story they are going to read or a short incident that will lead to the whole story.

Graphics (0/10): (points don't count / ur poster was in progress)
Since it's being progress as said, I hope it will contain the mystery and angst look. Sorry but no poster no mark.

Character Development (9/10):
Your character is realistic if a person once suffer from a super heartbreaking or a tragedy incident that hit him straight in his mind and head, tore him half apart. It is really unique and indeed this guy that you describe in your story have a good characterization. To be more realistic, can someone who is so mentally depressed be so charming. His appearance somehow should be messy and disorganized not charming and hot. It is okay if you want him to be hot and all but I am just suggesting something to make the character more realistic. For his mom part, she is realistic too. People do tend to get more worried and take-in more action when they are having problems in their life, for their case is finance. Yes, she got out of her retirement and this is realistic too so well done on the characterization and keep it up!

Appearance (7/10):
The font and all is alright, good job but in my own preference, I would prefer to see who's POV (Point Of View) it is in that part of the story. If you have a change in character, I would really think writing *Jaejonng's POV* or something like that helps the flow and give a better understanding to the readers. You have written the character's thoughts in the story but I would like to see it in bold, other fonts or in a quotation or in a light colour (not striking color, some readers do not like it) to show it is thoughts not speech. This is important so it would not confuse the readers.

Originality & Plot (7.5/10):
As you said I listen to the song you posted but I did not understand a single thing from it. For as far as I read the story, it does not give me any sights of gods and monster coming up, only showing me hates and anger of something the character is feeling, unless Jaejoong is the monster-like human. Which is a good point since this story is angst and thriller. If the readers could understand the song then good for them but since I couldn't I thought that it is a new and original plot, seldom seen on AFF but if you choose to let the readers hear this song, I suggest you make sure the song does not give out the whole plotting or storyline.

Flow (9/10):
The story flow is there and it is clear enough for the readers. That is good and enough said but I would suggest cliff-hanger for your story. Cliff-hanger will capture readers' attention and gain more curiousity in new readers hence they will subscribe to your story instead of just reading it and giving it no attention. End of with a big mystery a question for a reader to answer but only you know what it is going to happen next. After all what is a mystery story if it does not have questions popping out every now and then. Also since this is a new story, I suggest you to not move the story to fast and always link back to the main story/tittle.

Writing (10/10):
I really like the words you choose to use and I really like how you picture the scenes and emotions of the characters. Well done!

Grammar & Spelling (8/10):
Not much grammar mistakes, maybe there is more but like what I mentioned, my main focus is plotting and character which you did pretty well. However, there is a mistake which took me forever to understand but up till now I still can't

"See you soon again very Jaejoong. Now get the out of here."

Why is there a 'very' there? I do not understand please explain.

General Enjoyment (8/10):
So far so good. I liked it, you have capture a reader's attention who seldom read thrillers and mystery so well done. I think the way you describe all the emotions and scenes really well and I love that. The least I liked is just there you do not make it clear who's POV is it other than that I really love the story so far but do show or give little hints of the gods or monsters that is coming out or are you just trying to show the readers that the character's personality is the representation of the gods and monsters? I don't know this is why it is call mystery I guess XD but too much mystery isn't good. It will make readers lose their attention to the story. Leave a question and answer some at the same time then this is what a good mystery, angst story!
 

Total score: 68.5/90
Reviewer: dyodyopie
Reviewed on: 14/08/2014
Comments and thoughts: This story has great potential if you keep it up like this! Well done. I will only up vote stories that I think is good and have potential. Although I may not be able to read your story, I will still try to. I hope that I am not harsh at all. I am very kind on this review as this is you are first request in this shop so yeah.. Hope you won't take this to heart if I am harsh which I do not think I am at all. Please leave a comment and tell me your thoughts on my review too. Kamsa :)


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