B#6 | Pinnochio | _Dovahkiin_

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Title

Author

Characters

Category

Genre

Status

Pinocchio

_Dovahkiin_

Do Kyungsoo, Kim Jongin

(BxB)

romance, sci-fi, light angst

Chaptered (ongoing) (4 but maybe soon 5)

Description

Do Kyungsoo does not wish to give up any aspect of his bio-technological body, not his enhanced eyesight, immunity to disease nor even the partial emptiness in his thoratic cavity. But after finding out about a test gone awry, and that people are planning on doing it again, Kyungsoo must choose who he wishes to protect, which will lead him to one of two possible endings. Now, he thinks, being a human wouldn't be so bad after all.

Title

The title attracts the reader to click on the story as soon as they see it. Titles should be deeply connected to the plot of the story and with four chapters; it’s quite difficult for me to see that connection. Though, the meaning of Pinocchio is about wooden puppet that at the end of the story comes alive as a real boy, I think I may know where the title fits.

Descr.&Forew.

I got to say that your description was very well done! It didn’t give away everything about the story but shows the readers a slight taste of what they’re about to read. I love the descriptive words you put there and I think the quote at the very beginning was a smart idea! I took a mark off because I didn’t see any foreword. I think forewords are important to be also included because it serves to tell some kind of connection or interaction between the author and the foreword writer.

Graphics

The colours of the poster suit the story very well. I love how the colours blended with the background and the very brief sentence in the poster attracts the readers, I may say. Though, I wish a different picture of Jongin was used because it didn’t really look fitting beside Kyungsoo’s.

Char. Dev.

The characters that portrays this story seems realistic in my opinion. Some authors seem to forget how important it is for the readers to be able to connect with the characters. I think you did a good job with that. With the development of the characters, I have no problem except in some situations; their personalities seem to be a little too impractical sometimes.

Appearance

I found no problem with how the story was structured. It was clear and easy to read for the readers to understand and I like the fonts you used. I also loved the very brief title introductions before a chapter starts! I think it serves the readers a satisfying taste of what’s about to follow.

Orgin.&Plot

Not many stories have a plot like yours. The originality which readers crave is very much there but some parts of the plot seem to be a bit overused already. Plot twists are limited, but I won’t blame you considering there are only four chapters written. I saw the creativeness and I very much appreciate how you write the story honestly, from the perspective of a unique character, making your work pleasant to read.

Flow

The story flow goes smoothly and I really like the cliff-hangers at the end! You got me hook every time I start reading a new chapter. The consistency of the story sometimes gets a bit slow in some parts but the overall flow goes very well. You added a ton of detail into your story and had your character stop and think to describe the scenery, insert dialogue that helped enhance your story and improve the flow. A small tip is while you don't want the story to go too fast or too slow, you want to make sure you hold the reader's attention. Too much detail can leave them bored and cause them to stop reading and we don’t want that!

Writing

I love your writing. It is simple, yet unique at the same time. While reading, I noticed that you used some imagery to paint a picture which I really liked! It helped the story to be more fun to read. The appearance you showed gives your reader a visual understanding of the character. Some things I can advise you is try to show the reader what kind of person your character is, by describing actions rather than simply listing adjectives. Bring the reader into your character’s mind, to show them your character’s unexpressed memories, fears, and hopes.

Gramm.&Spel.

Your grammar and spelling is amazing. It’s clear and easy to understand. Though, I noticed a few errors here and there with spelling errors which is barely, I tell you. Also, I suggest limiting using the commas because I noticed you tend to use it at unnecessary parts. Overall, I have no problem with your grammar and I think it’s great!

Gen.Enjoym.

I very much enjoyed reading your work! I think it’s very creative and the plot just gotten me hook. Every time I finish a chapter, it leaves me wanting more. I like the part where Baekhyun and Kyungsoo tease each other because it makes me smile. Though, I wished the part where Kyungsoo and Jongin met had a more exciting feel, you know? It felt like their meeting was too sudden and rushed. Overall, good job!

Title : 8.5/10

Description & Foreword: 9/10

Graphics: 9.5/10

Character Development: 9/10

Appearance : 10/10

Originality & Plot: 9.5/10

Flow: 8/10

Writing: 8.5/10

Grammar & Spelling: 9.5/10

General Enjoyment: 9.5/10

82.5 / 100

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Comments

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fefedove #1 Dec 23, 2015 05:56:43

Chapter 100: Omg I don't even remember having requested this and never credited either. I'm so sorry and I'll do it as soon as I have access to a laptop omgomg