Title: Spit It Out
Author: NavyBlue
Characters: Tao and Xiayou (OC)
Genre: fluff, drama, B*G,
Rating: /
Status: Completed (One-Shot)
Description: Tao has a secret that he didn't tell Xiayou.

Title (8/10):
Your title is uncommon, not rare but uncommon so well done. I think it suits the theme overall. But it isn't all that eye-catching; this is why I did not give you a full mark.

Description & Foreword (4/10):
The description is straightforward but in a bad way, if that even makes sense. It is also too short of a description, it doesn't give the readers anything to keep them interested. You also have a few mistakes which I will write the revised version of it here:

Tao has a secret that no one can know.
(space)
A secret that he will never dare tell to Xiayou.

I also made some changes there to keep the description a little longer. Also, the foreword seems a little out of date. I think you need to make it a little 'neater' and update it.

Graphics (6/10): 
The poster and background are alright, nothing special. Cute but a little 'empty'. The characters in the poster aren't clear, it gives me a little headache just trying to properly look at them. Since Kris is a minor character in the story, it would have been better off with just Xiayou and Tao in the poster.

Character Development (5/10):
Although it is a oneshot, I could see some progress were made but it wasn't detailed. Xiayou and Tao's relationship had a huge progress there but it wasn't explained enough but it was shown though. Kris in the oneshot seemed more of a minor character and if you wanted him to be a minor character only, then good job, you aced it. I think you could have explained in great detail though or even showed more of Xiayou's and Tao's progress with their friendship. Other than that, there isn't anything I can say.

Appearance (8/10):
The font is easy to read so for that, nice job! But there was that one sentence where you changed the font size so it was a bit messy.

Originality & Plot (9/10):
To be honest, that was the first oneshot I have read that only involved friendship. It's unique and I like your creativity. Asianfanfics should have more friendship-themed stories. I wished I had come up with the idea. But it's not really fluff-themed. It doesn't involve fluff anywhere in the oneshot, even with the Kris and Tao part. To me, I think the oneshot is better off with a friendship & slight drama theme and maybe a light adoration there. But overall, good job!

Flow (9/10):
Other than the fact that you hardly described in great detail about their progress towards each other, the flow was good!

Writing (10/10):
I adore your writing style! It's very innocent (although you had one swear word in the oneshot) and it keeps the mood light and bubbly for some reason. I like it.

Grammar & Spelling (3/10):
I haven't even finished reading the first sentence of the oneshot and already I could spot mistakes. Here are some mistakes that I will point out to you:

Xiayou helped Tao opened his beer and Tao happily snatches it away from her hands.

I think it would have been better with this (revised version):

Xiayou helped Tao open his beer and the other happily snatched it away from her once she had opened it.

I also made changes there so that it will make more sense.

Here is another mistake: Tao and Xiayou. Two best friends since they were in diapers. They always stick together like glue wherever they go. From kindergarten to primary school, from primary school to middle school, from middle school to high school and now, when they at the university, they still always stuck with each other.

Revised version:

Tao and Xiayou; best friends ever since they were in diapers.
(space)
They always stuck together like glue wherever they went. From kindergarten and all through to high school and even now in university.
(space)
It was clear that one of them would always be around the other.


See the difference? It's much more effective with the revised version. The problem with your writing is the tense. You always switch from past tense to present tense and sometimes, it gets me confused. Are you writing in past tense or in present tense? Do check your oneshot again and improve it or if you are not confident with your english, let someone proof read it for you and make changes. Also, the punctuation was just bad. You had commas there and here although they were not meant to be there because it just doesn't seem right. Do fix them. Another one was the repetition of words. JUST, LOOK, SAID. Do search up different synonyms for those words and maybe expand your vocabulary more.

General Enjoyment (7/10):
Overall, the whole concept of the story and the meaning behind it left me wanting more. I really like the story and the plot! To be honest, I thought it was gonna be a typical love triangle but I stand corrected. I honestly enjoyed this oneshot. Write more like this ^^

Total score: 69/100
Reviewer: marmalody
Reviewed on: 24/08/2014
Comments and thoughts: Hello dear, I enjoyed reading your oneshot. It's so kawaii. I'm sorry if I offended you in any way. I don't mean to. Do come back for more c: Hwaiting!


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