B#6 | Immortals | AsianNoodles
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Title
Author
Characters
Category
Genre
Status
Immortals
AsianNoodles
Myungsoo, Sungyeol (but the rest of Infinite are very important as well)
(BxB)
Action, Drama, Romance
Chaptered, Ongoing (9 chpt)
Description
In a city with a corrupted sense of justice, Myungsoo wants nothing but to run outside the city walls with Sungyeol. But with sparks of rebellion, growing tensions and arising conflicts, they're not sure if they can go anywhere at all.
Title
Yes, it fits the story well and I'm glad you actually mentioned it directly to the readers in Chapter 4. It holds a lot of meaning despite that one word, however, there are quite a number of stories which have the same title as yours. Due to the lack of originality, some experience or older readers may not be interested in your story.
Descr.&Forew.
It does gives the reader a taste of what is the come but I think it gives away a little but too much, in that 6 paragraphs, it was probably almost the same in that few chapters, you just extended it and added more information. Though to me, I think readers would want to know more because it captures thier attention. However, maybe some readers like me will quickly lose intrest in the first few chapters.
Graphics
The poster wasn't really great and does not relate well to your story.
Char. Dev.
I really like the way you portrayed the characters. Though you introduce new characters along the way, you didn't say much about them and the characters seems compicated and mysterious to me. I would prefer you stick the one person point of view instead of a few, I think that would make the story more interesting, unless, you have something else in mind and a message you want to get to the readers or something.
Appearance
The font was alright but you tend to jump from one place to another and it was quite confusing.
Orgin.&Plot
Forgive me for writing this, but some of your paragraphs reminds me of the series, 'Divergent'. Like in chapter 4, when Myungsoo was having a talk with Sungyeol's parents. The plot was rather unclear at first and the introduction wasn't as interesting. Other than that, I think it was rather orginal and creative.
Flow
The flow of the story was a bit messy because and the character was not properly introduce. Also, it was rather slow and it seems like you are dragging the story or something. There are some parts which were not nescessary so maybe you can look through it again.
Writing
There were some confusing parts like how can a person be annoyed and then chuckling the next? Also, there wasn't much vocabulary use, There is a website called : www.loveyourpencil.com It is a very good website because there are some awesome writing tips there.
Gramm.&Spel.
There are quite a number of errors here and there. Words like : 'didn't' should not be use unless in a dialogue. Another error, “What was that?” Myungsoo asked, his gaze focused above them. “That sounded like upstairs.” Correction : "That sounded like it came from upstairs" Unless you mean that there is a person call, 'upstaris' or the 'stairs up there can make sounds' Wrong : “How could you be so insensitive?!” Dongwoo exclaimed, slamming the door shut behind him. Correction : "How could you be so insensitive?" Grammatically, you aren't suppose to put two different punctuations together. Another error. Wrong : He wanted to keep talking to Sungyeol, but Sungyeol’s parents had pulled the entire family out of the house and to the restaurant to talk. Correction : He wanted to keep talking to Sungyeol but his parents... There are a few others errors and it would be impossible to state down everything so maybe you can correct it through Microsoft or get a beta-reader or something.
Gen.Enjoym.
Even though I really enjoy the story, I didn't like it very much. Your writing style does not really suit me and I sort of don't like it when the story will 'jump' from one place to another. Maybe if you would like to point out somethings in the other's point of view, you can create a new chapter or something? I notice that you write long chapters and I just want to give you one simple advice that I trust in : The Quantity does not matters, what is the Most Important is the Quality.
Title : 7/10
Description & Foreword: 6/10
Graphics: 3/10
Character Development: 9/10
Appearance : 5/10
Originality & Plot: 8/10
Flow: 5/10
Writing: 4/10
Grammar & Spelling: 6/10
General Enjoyment: 5/10
58 / 100
Reviewer: Dreamweaver21
date : 27 / 04 / 2016
CREDITS :
Credits to Dreamweaver21 [DW21] @ Steph's Bookclub Review Shop ©
COMMENTS / Thoughts & REMINDER
Comments & thoughts
I may not be an expert in writing, god, I'm not even a writer on AFF. So, please take this review as a suggestion / advice / thoughts from a high expectation reader.
REMINDER
+Comment if you saw this review
+Don't forget to add proper credits with the link back to the shop!
Comments