Title: No Air
Author: GoldenPeace
Characters: Luhan, Sehun, Yoo Ri (OC)
Genre: romance, angst, dark
Category: B*G
Status: On-going (3 Chap)
Description: “I haven’t changed a bit. Three years, and I’m still that rich, spoiled brat who gets in everyone’s way. In his way.
Our roles have changed. He’s the bully now. And I’m the victim. Victim. Victim. Bullying is never okay. They say if a person is a bully, they must have something in their life that prevents them from experiencing happiness. I have happiness. Happiness if when your favorite TV series airs a week earlier before its release date. Happiness is when you buy your favorite ice-cream and enjoy it with your friends. Happiness is a thought of a good life, freedom from suffering.
Only… is it really? I think I’ve lost it. Happiness. And everything else with it.”

Title (7/10):
I think the title suits the story so far. It feels like the fic is going to be quite intense and breathtaking, though I can’t be sure as the story has yet to finish.

Description & Foreword (8/10):
The description is intriguing and interesting. It gives the reader a taster of character’s person as it hints that there is some kind of past that the reader will discover once the story has finished. I like the way you have put quotes from each character in the foreword section - this gives the reader a little more information about the characters and their personalities.

Graphics (10/10): 
I think the black and grey really fits well with the story. It gives off a mysterious feel and just by one look, readers will know that they will need to be prepared for something angsty and dark. I have the say the poster is really well made - it’s almost like a brainstorm of the main character’s life, saying how she’s hurt, broken and controlled. The background is simple and not too much. I feel that the atmosphere the graphics give out is really suited to the story, well done!

Character Development (6/10):
As I have noted before, as this story is incomplete, it’s very difficult for me to give you full marks. I have yet to see the full development of the characters and how they turned out to be in the end and how they are or aren’t different from the beginning.

Right now, I would say that I’m confused by the main character, Yoo Ri’s person. I had thought that she would be the “leading” person in her life, like being a queenka in her school, because of “In a town full of strangers, I was known as their queen.” from the description. However, it turned out that she is bullied continuously in the story and it made me wonder what kind of personality she has exactly.

As for Luhan, somehow, I have the impression that he’s the “angel” of the school and that he’s loved by everyone because of his kind personality but in the latest chapters, I found out that he’s more of a devil and an angel. Forgive me if I have misunderstood the situation and his character, but this is how I feel after reading the chapters.

Appearance (8/10):
For my personal liking, I think the font is a tad bit too small and I had to enlarge it to read it fully, though again, this is my own personal opinion. You have used paragraphs and separated the sections well so I don’t think there will be a problem for your readers to read the story. Also, the chapter sizes aren’t too small or too big so one event can fit into one chapter easily, which is always a good thing, except if you wanted to leave cliff-hangers at the end.

Originality & Plot (6/10):
Again, because of your story being incomplete, I cannot give you full marks. Though so far, I feel that your plotline has potential but how it will be in the end, will be up to you. Right now, I feel that there are some “typical situations” in the story, such as, being bullied in school; fainting in school, and losing consciousness in a night club. Even though these situations are quite common in fanfics, I think you have the potential to turn them in uncommon events.

To be honest, as there are only five chapters now, not including the prologue, it’s quite difficult for me to judge in this area. I don’t know how long you plan to have this story going on for and I don’t know what will happen in the end though, I hope that you have planned everything out and are ready to blow your readers’ minds off with your ideas!

Flow (7/10):
There are some time-skips in this story, which is not a bad thing at all and I have to give you credits to say whether or not the chapter is in the present or not. I think right now, the timeline is flowing nicely - things are going too fast, nor are they going too slow. The occasional flashbacks help your readers to see into her past and understand her a little more, which is a good thing because you haven’t described your characters much at the beginning. I hope you will keep your flow like this, it’s easy to follow and hard to lose the plot.

Writing (8/10):
Your words are really descriptive and it really helps to set the scene in the reader’s mind. Though some parts are really dark, I think your readers will be able to understand what you’re trying to convey and tell them. I think I liked the way you wrote in the prologue the best. Not only your word choices are great, but you have also wrote in first person’s perspective. I think this way is more effective to convey someone’s feeling in words and just by reading that short prologue, I can feel the agony of the main character.

Grammar & Spelling (9/10):
Generally, your grammar and spelling are fantastic, though you have some small mistakes at some parts.

For example, in chapter 3, near the end, you have put “you’re sister” instead of “your sister”.

Also, in chapter 4, in the last bit of the first section, the word “fault” is misspelled as “foult”.
Again in chapter 4, in the same section, the sentence “I'm not about to let you don't easy.” doesn’t make sense and I can’t really think of what you could have meant by that.

Lastly, in chapter 5, in the middle section, you have used “kill glare” and in that situation, the term “killer glare” may be more suitable.

Other than these mistakes I’ve spotted while reading your story, there aren’t any major problems regarding your grammar, spelling and punctuation!

General Enjoyment (7/10):
Generally, I’m not much of a angst person but after reading your description, I was interested in this story. Though there are still some confusions after reading these few chapters, which I’m sure will be gone after reading the future ones, I feel that your story really have the potential to excel. The past of Yoo Ri and Luhan is something to definitely look forwards to and the development of their lives is something to have great expectations of as well so keep up the good work!

Total score: 76/100
Reviewer: Saki1017
Reviewed on: 13/09/2014
Comments and thoughts: I am so sorry for taking so long! School has just started and things are a little hectic right now but thank you for being patient and please do not hesitate to point out any mistakes I’ve made in the review!

Note: As this story is incomplete, there are certain areas that I cannot give full marks to. Please do understand.


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Credits to Saki1017 (S1017) @ Steph's BookClub Review Shop (SBC)©

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