“Stand up….________....STAND UP!” Jiyong keeps saying while I pretend that I’m not hearing anything.

If you are asking why the did I even thought of kneeling down in front of him, well, I don’t know what else to do and the only thing that entered my mind is beg for his forgiveness in any possible way. Yes, I know that what I did is really not normal and it’s somewhat stupid, but what can I do? I’m desperate! I don’t want to sleep tonight without my husband beside me and most especially, I don’t want to wake up tomorrow knowing that my marriage is still on the brink of death.

“________....cut your crap….please” he said and I just shook my head.

I can feel that my husband was shocked with what I did, that he can’t even think straight as well. He didn’t even move an inch. I know that he is staring at me even if my head is bowed down and all I can see is the floor.

“I’m sorry” I said over and over again.

Truth is, I am ready with my speech awhile ago and for some unexplainable reason, my mind suddenly got washed out and I can’t even remember one damn word.

“I don’t know why you’re doing this…._________....this is too much already….kneeling down in front of me is the most pathetic thing that you ever did” he said in annoyance.

At that point, I feel like answering back but because I don’t have the energy to even speak my mind, I just let his words slip away.

“Fine…you don’t want to stand up? Go ahead…kneel until your knees go all weak” he said and continued what he was doing before I came in.

“OH!” I heard Taeyang said when he walked in the studio.

“I’ll go out for a while” he said and went out.

OK. I know that what I’m doing is really embarrassing and in one way or another, it’s a bit inhumane for Jiyong to just let me kneel in front of him. But then again, I’m the one who is pushing this thing and I’m ready to stay in my position until he gets totally pissed and talk to me in a way that humans really talk (I can feel that he’s not really ready to talk to me and I know so well that no matter how I explain myself to him, he will just give me a blank face and not even say a word).

Why does this have to be complicated? As far as I can remember, I’m still approachable when we are fighting because of Anne. I can’t even remember being so hard on him (I have punched and slapped him, but that’s not so harsh).

I don’t know how many minutes passed by, but Jiyong is still the same, he’s ignoring me and acting like I’m not even there. My heart is breaking into bits because not in my wildest dreams have I imagined us being in this kind of situation. I know that this is just a test to our relationship, but there’s this thing inside me that says “Stop it now. If he can’t soften his heart for you, leave him, there’s no need to kneel and beg for his forgiveness coz you’ve done your part already”. I know that there’s this fine line between stupidity and craziness and right now, I know that I’m reaching both of them in one swing.

“Do you really hate me this much already?” I asked all of a sudden, breaking my silence.

I was staring deeply into his eyes while waiting for him to answer and all I can see in him is pain. My husband’s face is bruised and wounded, and it’s all because of me. I can’t help but hate myself for he will not turn into a total monster if it wasn’t for me.

“What? You’ll still continue with your cold treatment? Fine! I’m done with this…I’ve tried wooing you…I went here to ask for your forgiveness but I don’t think you’re ready to give it to me” I said and stood up, but my knees are just too weak that I fell back down on the ground (he did catch me, but I removed his hand because of annoyance).

“Jiyong…I know that you will not go home tonight because you can’t last even a second with me around…I just want to tell you that I’ll just drop the kids to our house and stay in our apartment after…you go home because I know that you need to rest….I’ll talk to our kids about this arrangement” I told him and managed to stand up.

He’s got no reaction at all. I can’t even see any emotions on his face and that alone is crushing my whole being. I know that this set up will once again make our kids curious but I don’t have a choice, Jiyong needs to rest in the comfort of our home not in a small and uncomfortable studio.

“I’ll go now” I said and walked like a grandmother.

I was limping and I can’t feel my legs at all. I feel like there’s electricity inside both legs and it’s kinda ticklish but at the same time, painful. Up to the last minute, I was expecting my husband to run after me, but he didn’t do that. Instead, he went on with arranging his songs and totally ignored me.

I need to breathe. I am suffocated with all these dramas and I don’t even know if I can still make it till the end. My life is this one ball of problems and worries, and it is still going bigger and bigger as time goes by, no, as seconds go by. I don’t know, but there’s this thought of me and Jiyong undergoing divorce once again and it blew my mind off, I just found myself crying like a baby inside my office.

“Oh gosh” Railey said when she walked in.

“What is it?” I asked while wiping my tears and trying to stop my hiccups.

“Here are my teams’ outputs” she handed me some folders and sat on the chair in front of my desk.

“Wow! You guys are fast!” I said, trying to sound normal.

“Sis…I think you should just go home already…I mean…look at you…you haven’t slept at all and your eyes are almost popping out of its sockets because of too much crying” she said and I wiped my tears again and faked a smile.

“I’m fine” I said and started crying again “I’m gonna be….fine” I said and she came to me for a hug.

“He didn’t talk to you?” she asked and I gave her a nod.

“Maybe he’s not ready yet….just give him a little more time I guess” she said and I cried harder.

“Why is he so hard? He’s so harsh and I don’t even know what to do with him anymore” I said in between sobs.

“________....I know that this is all new to you and this really …but…this is how messy things are for you and Jiyong as of the moment…the boys told me that your husband is so wrecked as hell and they can’t even tell what’s going on his mind already….he’s blocking his feelings and bottling it up inside him...it’s one reason as to why he can’t move on with what happened” she said while holding my hands.

“Ouch!” I shrieked when she held me by the wrists.

My wrists are in pain for it has bruises because of Jiyong’s tight grip on me last night and his finger marks are still visible as well. The moment I saw it this morning, that painful night flashed back in front of my eyes one again and I cried buckets of tears for it is really a nightmare. I cannot even imagine that Jiyong can hurt me that much and it’s a good thing that I can understand why he did that to me because if I didn’t, I will surely leave him right then and there.

“Why do you have bruises on your wrists? Who did that to you?” Railey asked when she lifted my sleeves up.

“This is nothing…I…uhmm….I hit it somewhere” I reasoned out and she looked at me straight in the eyes.

“Tell me…did Jiyong do this to you?” she asked in a scary tone that even Daryl will shake.

“No” I lied and she smirked.

“You can’t hide anything from me….I may be a bad liar but you are worst than me…sis….what happened? Why the hell did you have bruises on your ing wrists?” she asked in anger and I sighed.

I know that the moment I tell Railey the truth, she and Daryl will surely beat the hell out of my husband and his bruises and wounds will double. Not only that, their husbands will also be dragged here and I don’t’ want them to fight again just because of us.

“Sis…I’m fine…this is just a bruise anyway…it’ll soon fade” I told her and she shook her head.

“Yes…that’ll fade…but the pain that it brought you will stay forever” she said and I sighed.

“What? Are you going to tell me everything now or do you want me to attack your husband already? I’m telling you sis…I will beat every inch of him if I have to” she said in anger.

“He did this out of anger….remember when I told you that I’ll surprise him with a hot night?” I asked and she nods “We were able to do  it…but…he got really harsh on me that his grip on my wrists are just too tight that it resulted bruises” I finally spit out and she looked at me in shock.

“What the hell! Why does he have to be so rough on you? This is so pathetic!” she said while looking at my wrists.

“As I’ve said…he’s just too angry …but he’s not like that normally…he’s really sweet and gentle with me” I told her and she hissed.

“Look sis…Seunghyun and I can be so rough in bed as well…but he never hurt me this much….only victims have those kinds of bruises and I cannot even believe that Jiyong can take seeing you in pain not only emotionally but physically….why does every time that you two have problems like this…you’re the one being damaged to the core?” she asked and I shook my head.

If only I can tell her every detail of that night, I will, but I know that it will just make my husband look bad in her eyes. Yes, Railey is right when sh