Idol-hood and fatherhood is not really a perfect mix for me. Seriously, I don’t know how to manage these two all at once. Wait. I also forgot to add husband-hood, I actually don’t have that much issue with it for my wife is so easy to manage compared to my work and being a father.

I know that I’ve crushed my children’s hearts for so many times already and I hate it. I hate myself for breaking my promises to them. They are the most important people in my world and all I want is for them to be happy for the rest of their lives, but here I am, bringing sadness to them.

(2 days ago)

“Hyung….the twins’ birthday is already coming and ______ will throw a party for them…uhmm…I’m here to ask you to….you know…give me at least a few hours off from work just so I can go home and celebrate with them” I said and YG hyung just stared at me intently like he was battling with his mind if he’ll permit me or not.

I have realized that I can’t miss any more special occasions for my obligation to my kids is much heavier than my work. I’ve been missing a lot already and I feel like I as a father. I know that I’m a little exaggerated, but it totally hits home, I have good kids therefore I need to be a good father in return.

“Arasso…you can go home the morning before the kids’ party…but you have to go back here right after the party...you still have a lot of things to do …to make it short…you’ll only be in Seoul for eight hours” YG gave out a little smile while tapping his pen on the desk.

It’s a good thing that YG hyung can really understand me. He actually feels my pain and knows my worries like a total expert. Of course, we’re both family men and we’re being torn apart by our work, marriage and fatherhood.

“I’ll go home on the twins’ birthday!” I shouted the moment I walked in the dance studio.

“OMO hyung! You’re so hyped up!” Seungri said and I nod like an excited kid.

“Who wouldn’t be hyped up? I’m going to be there for my kids’ birthday…I rarely make it to their parties and now I can celebrate with them” I’m just so excited that I used a tone higher than my usual when I speak.

“You’ll understand all of this once you become a father already maknae” TOP hyung told him and I nod in agreement.

Our hectic schedule is just a piece of cake for me during that time for I’m feeling so good and excitement embraces my whole being.

“Hey Kwon Jiyong!” _______ said the moment her face appeared on my screen.

“I love you!” I said in excitement, making her smile sweetly.

“How is my lovely husband? You look so happy” from the way she looks, I know that she’s curious as to why my mood is just so good.

“I’m just happy because I’m talking to you and things are really going well for us” I answered in my not usual tone again.

_______ went speechless for a while and her smile faded and folds in her forehead appeared “Babe? Are you drunk or something? I mean…this is just so weird coz yesterday…you were going all dramatic over your “Time with the kids” dilemma and now…here you are….so jiggly and happy…I don’t know...the fast transition is so not like you” she said and all I want is to kiss her lips because of her cuteness.

“Mrs. Kwon…I am not drunk…is there anything wrong with being happy?” I looked at her intently while waiting for her to say something.

“Well…it’s not bad to be happy…of course…but…it’s just…you know…a super fast transition of moods…and knowing you…you’re not that good with it” she explained and shrugged.

With my wife’s weird stares and suspicious glares, I was able to tell her about all the crazy things that we have been doing here in Japan right now. She’s enjoying my not so entertaining stories and this is what I really love about her, she can listen to me for hours with the same enthusiasm and interest.

“Are the kids still awake babe?” I asked.

“Actually…they are…do you want me to call them?” she smiled at me while waiting for my answer.

“Of course” I answered.

I haven’t seen and talked to our kids for days already and hearing their running noises, loud shrieks and excited squeals made my heart melt for even if they don’t tell me, I know that they miss me.

Each of them got to talk to me and it really is lessening my longing for them. Isabella talked about a modeling offer of a cosmetic brand to her which doesn’t sound good to me, though I can feel that she’ll make her way through that YES from me. Gabriella on the other hand will be performing in school once again which is not new to us for she always shines on stage and people just can’t get enough of her. I really want to see my daughter put swag into that stage but as usual, I can’t. Daniella is still being Daniella. Her words and the way she talks will still shock the hell out of you and it will make you realize that it’s possible for a kid to take an adult role sometimes. I’m so proud of her for she’s really excelling so well in school that she’s even rocking the Korean language flawlessly. My boys and I played instead of talking for they don’t have anything to say than their newest game or what’s in, in the toy world right this very minute.

“Dad is coming! Uncle YG has permitted dad to come home so I’m sure that I’ll be there to party with you!” I break the news and the kids can’t seem to process it yet in their minds.

My excitement heightens after telling them about my unexpected comeback and the smile on my wife and kids’ faces are priceless!

“I’m shocked babe! That news really made my day!” ______ said when the kids left.

“Babe…I know that this is really a sudden thing…but…I’ve realized that I have to give our kids more importance than my job…all of this drama about not being a good father is over coz I already have a solution to it” that warm smile from my wife is enough to tell me that she’s moved by what she heard.

“You know what? It’s actually a good thing that we’re both realizing things here and there…I guess this is the start of our good parenting skills…well…it’s not that we’re not good at it before…it’s just that…we know that we’ve been a little in this field and now we’re going to try to be experts in it” the smile on her face never left and seeing her in that situation is really heaven on earth for me.

When ______ and I are just starting a family, we already swore to ourselves that we will be good parents more than good career people. Yes, we were able to blend our career and family for some years, but now that the kids are growing up, we both feel like we really need to step out from that world a little and focus on our kids more.

“aww…I love you babe…you made me so happy” my wife said and gave me a screen kiss.

“I love you too babe…I’ll be there in a couple of days…wait for me…and I’ll kiss you non-stop!” she stuck out her tongue at me making me burst in laughter.

(Present)

Rehearsals ended earlier than usual which made me and the boys so happy. We’ve been working non-stop for these past few days and this early dismissal is just perfect for us.

“Jiyong-ah! Do you want to come with us?” Jae wook hyung asked while I’m getting ready to leave the studio.

“Where?” I asked.

“We’ll cool down a little…drink and relax” he looked at me intently while waiting for my answer.

“I don’t know hyung…I will leave for Korea early morning tomorrow and if I’m going with you…I might miss my flight” I told him.

“C’mon! Tabi and Seungri are going…don’t worry…you can go home early…after all…we do have some things to do tomorrow as well…so I’m pretty sure that this little night out will end early” the rest of the boys looked at me as if convincing me to say yes through their eyes.

In the end, I said yes. Well, I know that this will surely mean a massive hangover tomorrow morning, but even so, I will not let my cracking head stop me from coming home.

When we arrived at the club, loud music and laser lights are all I can hear and see. I’ve missed this for I haven’t been out clubbing for months now and this feels so refreshing.

As VIP guests, we were given our own lounge area that no random stranger can easily come near u