July 7

You can measure the happiness of a marriage by the number of scars that each partner carries on their tongues, earned from years of biting back angry words. To keep the fire burning brightly, there’s one easy rule: Keep the two logs together, near enough to keep each other warm and far enough apart – about a finger’s breath – for breathing room. Good fire, good marriage, same rule. 

It was hard. Waking up beside my husband after a grueling confrontation is really difficult. I don’t even want to open my eyes coz I feel so bad for acting like a total monster last night. My mind didn’t make me sleep and it keeps on repeating the stupid and hurtful things that I did and say to him. I’m hurting inside and out and I feel like I’m being brought back to the past where Lauren is the villain. The only difference is, I’m fighting alone and my husband is not being chased by a woman rather, he might be in a relationship with one.

I don’t even know if I can still believe him. He denied all my allegations and he is firm in saying that, that sushi girl and her son has nothing to do with him. He looks sincere but I don’t want to risk it. My trust in him is not as strong as before and I know that this is not good for our marriage. Our relationship that was once healthy is now beginning to weaken and we both don’t know how to cure it. As much as I want to stay positive in this, I can’t, for I don’t want to keep my hopes up that this issue between me and that girl is already done.

A lot of things are still playing inside my head and they are making me nuts. I don’t want to think of anything that can harm me more, but just by thinking that my husband nearly cheated on me is enough to hurt me. Up to now, my anger is still in rage but every time Jiyong tightens his hug and leaves soft kisses on my shoulder, it all fades away.

We both didn’t sleep last night and we just kept quiet till the sun rises. I know that he’s been crying for hours even if I can’t see him (my back is facing him the whole night). I can hear him sob and sniff. He keeps on saying sorry and I love you to me and once again, it crushed my heart knowing that my husband is going through all of this. But then, I know that what I did to him is what he deserves. All the words and actions that I say and did last night is what he needs for him to wake up from reality. I’ve realized that we have been living in a perfect world for years now and we are not used to this kind of challenges anymore. That is the reason why we hurt so much and even if we patch things up, I will live in the world of reality already for I don’t want to hurt so much when things up.

I felt Jiyong got out of bed to answer a call and that was the time that I opened my eyes and stretched my cramped body. I’m only lying in one position the whole night and it’s really painful to lie on your side only. My legs hurt like hell along with my head and eyes. I cried so much that I think no more tears will fall from my eyes anymore coz it’s all drained.

“Babe” Jiyong called and bent down to my level.

Seeing him with bloodshot eyes, red nose and his dark circles visibly showing up is really new to me. I haven’t seen him cry so much and seeing him in that state kills me. What I hate most is hurting him and I know that with all the things that I’ve said and did last night hurts him not only physically but mentally and emotionally as well.

“mmm?”

“What do you want for breakfast?” he asked and I just stared at him.

“Babe” he called for my attention again.

“I’m not hungry” I told him and turned to my other side.

“_______...please” he said with a shaky voice.

Gosh! He’s so emotional and he’s bringing me with him. I swore to myself that I will not cry anymore coz I don’t have much tears to shed. I’m tired of crying and all I want to do is sleep and hope that what’s happening to us right now is all just a dream.

“Babe…I’m sorry….I know that you cannot face me and forgive me right now…but please…don’t be like this” he said while my arm.

“I’m not hungry” I repeated and he sighed.

Even if I can’t see him, I can feel his heavy stares at me. My heart is melting while hearing him sob and I just can’t explain why I’m still being a tough girl when it’s all an act last night. I want to be the understanding wife once again, but I can’t bring her out in my system as of now.

Hours passed by and I was able to fall asleep. When I woke up, Jiyong is nowhere in sight and once again, I feel alone. My emotions are still playing me, but I feel better alreayd that’s why I’ve decided to just brush things off my mind coz I have to and I need to.

When I saw my wounded legs and feet, I nearly threw a fit for I know that those wounds will leave scars like the wound in my heart. A big scar that will forever remind me that my husband once lied to me and the reason why I’m in dread right now is because of him.

“Ouch!” I shrieked when I tried walking.

Unlike last night, the pain that my wounds are bringing is already killing me and how I wish I’m numb like last night so that I won’t be feeling this pain anymore.

“What will I do now?” I asked myself while looking at my wounded legs.

Up till now, I can’t explain why I began throwing plates and glasses last night. I know that it’s my way of releasing anger but it’s just so not me. I’m sure that Railey and Daryl would kill me once they find out that we have no plates and glasses in the apartment anymore (Railey collects china wares and I broke all of them).

“Ouch” I shrieked again but was able to stand and walk.

I’m walking like a granny and it took me years to reach the living room. Jiyong is not there as well and I have a feeling that he left already.

“OH!” Jiyong said all of a sudden, shocking me.

“Why did get out of bed? You should’ve called me” he said and helped me to the couch.

“I don’t need help” I told him coldly and he stared at me with pain in his eyes.

“________...I’m your husband and even though you hate me so damn much right now….you’re still my responsibility…and even if you push me away for a million times…I will stay right beside you” he said and I looked away for my tears are about to fall once again.

“Why are you still here? Aren’t you going to work?” I asked and he shook his head.

“Do you think I will leave you in this state? Huh? I maybe an idiot but I’m not that stupid to leave my wife when she can’t barely walk” he told me and I can feel that he’s just pretending to be strong.

“I told you I’m fine…I’m gonna be…so just do whatever you have to do…Jiyong…your life does not revolve around me….you have a lot of responsibilities as well…so go to work” I said and I can feel that I already hit a nerve.

It’s easy to tell whenever Jiyong is already pissed or annoyed. He keeps quite for a few seconds with his eyes fixed on you and his breathing is not normal then next thing you know it, he’ll snap already.

“YOU ARE NOT FINE _____! How can you be fine? Huh? You are an idiot for throwing a fit like that last night…why did you do that when you can basically beat the hell out of me? Why do you have to hurt yourself just because of me? You acted so tough but you were so immature….do you know that? Why? Because yo