HAPPY 6TH BANG-ING ANNIVERSARY

BIG BANG!

December 25 (in America)

There are no adequate substitutes for father, mother, and children bound together in a loving commitment to nurture and protect. No government, no matter how well-intentioned, can take the place of the family in the scheme of things. A father is someone that holds your hand at the fair and makes sure you do what your mother says, holds back your hair when your are sick, brushes that hair when it is tangled because mother is too busy, he lets you eat ice cream for breakfast but only when mother is away, he walks you down the aisle and tells you everything is gonna be OK.

I know that things happen for a reason and whatever is happening to my family right now is just a challenge that will surely test our tightness and bond. My life is going to change once again for I’ll be living these upcoming months alone without any contact with my husband. Yes, Jiyong and I really agreed with the four month space that I proposed days ago and although it’s really hard to accept, we have to go by it for this is the only way for me to have a safe pregnancy. After all, four months is not that long, all we have to do is hold on to each other. That is, if he can last those months without fooling around.

“Sis…are you sure you really wanna do this?” Daryl asked while watching me pack.

“Do I look like I’m not?” I asked and she gave me a nod.

“OH GOSH!” I said and she gave out a chuckle.

“I don’t know…you don’t look like you’re really into this space thing…I mean…fine! We are the ones who suggested this…but…just by thinking that you and Jiyong are not going to see and even talk to each other for FOUR in long months….it’s a bit dangerous and impossible” she said and I sighed.

“I know it is…but…I still kinda trust on my husband…there’s still this short thread of hope that he will do good and behave well” I told her and she rolled her eyes at me.

As a matter of fact, I don’t even know if I can still trust Jiyong. I mean, I’ve given him so many chances already and now that I’ve already snapped out of it and I’m officially sick of all these third parties and un-ending scandals, I’m slowly losing all my trust already (I know that trust is needed for our marriage to work but for now, I’m ready to give some of it up).

The boys and Daryl were the ones who sent me off and when we passed by our house, I kinda got sad for I know that my husband is there (he told me that Anne and her son has moved out that afternoon so he’s living alone once again). Jiyong called TOP to ask about the details of my flight and to say goodbye to me for the very last time as well.

“Jiyong…I’m gonna be fine…there’s no need for you to worry…all you have to do is rest and calm your mind” I told him and he chuckled.

“I don’t know…I’m just worried coz you’re going to travel alone….as a matter of fact…I’ve called the airline company already and asked for a huge favor…. they assured me that you’ll have a stewardess to watch over you” he said and I gasped in shock.

“JIYONG! I already told you…I’m gonna be fine…I don’t need someone to watch over me…after all…I’m so used to travelling alone even when I’m pregnant” I said and he smirked (well, my last experience is a bit crazy for I almost gave birth to Danny in the plane to Paris).

“Yeah right” he said and I laughed.

“Anyway…I’m gonna hang up now…I still have to check in” I said and I can already imagine a pout forming on his lips.

“Arasso…Omma will be the one calling me if you have arrived already…please kiss all our kids for me…take care…alright? I’ll see you in four months…Love you so much babe” he said and I can feel sadness in his voice.

“OK…got it…see you soon” I replied and hanged up.

Tears flowed down my cheeks the moment I dropped my phone inside my bag. I know that this goodbye is really not for long, but just by knowing that we are not going to be a family for months is really making me crazy already.

“Fat …you need to call me if ever you’re already in labor…AND…don’t forget to record your whole delivery….OK?” I told Daryl when I was about to leave already.

“Gosh! How can it be possible? I mean…I am going to have a major operation…how do you want me to record it? I bet even Youngbae cannot cover that whole delivery without him passing out” Daryl said and I laughed so hard that I almost hit Seungri on the stomach.

“Ha! But seriously sis…I’m dying to be there on that day…I mean…I’m the one hugging you when you were delivering Yuan...Railey and I even cut his umbilical cord…how I wish we can be here to do that all over again” I said with my teary eyes.

“Sis…Youngbae told me that he’ll be the one cutting his daughter’s umbilical cord this time…why? Simply because he wants to feel like a true father coz with Yuan…you and Railey took on his role and he only became a cameraman” she said and I laughed so loud, making the boys look at us weirdly.

What the heck am I feeling? Why do I feel like I’m going away forever? I’ve cried buckets of tears while waiting for the plane to take off and my heart is just so heavy for I’m going to leave my husband once again.

I’ve always loved travelling but for some unexplainable reasons, I’m hating it now. I can’t wait to see my kids and my tongue is itching to tell every explanation that Jiyong has told me to my parents, Railey and Omma. I’m sure that all of them are already dying to know his side of the story and I just wish that they will believe him.

“At last” I told myself and sighed the moment I walked out of the plane.

It seems like I’m going home solo and it’s simply because my parents and Omma are at the kids’ Christmas program.

“It’s still early!” I said the moment I saw the time.

And with that, I rode a cab and went straight to the kids’ school with high hopes that I can still watch them perform. Well, I’m not sure if I can make it but I have a strong feeling that I still can.

The moment I reached the school, I immediately went to the auditorium (good thing I only have my hand carry with me for my heavy luggage will just be sent home).

“Please…let me watch my kids dear God” I prayed before opening the door to the auditorium.

Now I can already say that I am one of God’s favorite kids for he granted my wish. To my surprise, my lovely boys are performing on stage and they all look so good and cute in their outfits. I cannot believe that my boys actually agreed to do this (knowing Danny, he wouldn’t even wear a costume of any kind except if it’s a costume of some star wars character).

 “MUM!” the moment I heard her voice, I already know that one of my daughters are calling me.

It really is heartbreaking to be here without my husband. I mean, Jiyong is aware that our kids are going to participate for the very first time in a school program and as much as he wants to go, he can’t for he’s got a lot of things to do in Korea (their concert will be in five days already and they are practicing like hell).

When my parents and Omma saw me, relief is what I can see on their faces. Well, they are so worried about the kids for all of them had a little meltdown before going here and it’s all because they want me and Jiyong to watch them perform. It’s really a good thing that I got a flight earlier than planned.

“You’re finally here!” mum whispered and I chuckled.

“Present!” I said, making her laugh.

“How was it?” she asked and I just looked at her for a few seconds.

“Bad…good…miserable….bad….good….painful….bad….bad….good….” I answered like I’m selecting something.

“Sweetheart…I know what you’re feeling right now…but please…snap out of it for the meantime” she said and I sighed.

Tell me, how can I freakin snap out of it? I mean, c’mon! My husband is being rumored of having an affair with someone who I know is capable of flirting and making him bend. Worst thing is, my husband made her and her son stay live in our house without even telling me. Now, how can I snap out of it?

“Mum…let’s not talk about this matter first…please?” I looked at her with my oh-damn-you!-I’m-trying-to-forget-it-and-here-you-are-reminding-me-about-it look.

“Alright…fine” she said and I gave her a forced smile.

My mum is really curious about what Jiyong and I have talked about, and I’m so sure that once I tell her that I’m going to take a few months rest from my marriage, she will freak the hell out of her system and I have to prepare myself for some intense PEP talk.

“How are you?” Dad who is sitting on my other side asked this time.

“I’m fine dad” I said and he just stared at me.

“Are you sure?” he asked and I sighed.

“I’m not in general…but….as of the moment…I am” I answered and he wrapped his arm around my shoulders.

“I’m  gonna be fine dad” I looked at him “No need to worry” I said and he gave out a deep sigh.

After that, my three girls went to us wearing their costumes already. Isabella is sporting a cute pink and brown outfit with her cute little skirt and curly hair (she’s not that good with curly locks though it really makes her look like a doll), Gabby is of course wearing her pink ballet outfit which Omma bought for her all the way from Korea and last especially not the least, DK who is so beautiful in her balloon type pink gown which my mum bought for her. All in all, my kids are looking beautiful as ever and it’s really shocking to learn that they are all going to perform. It’s just shocking for all my kids are and will rock the American stage for the very for time and I’m so confident that they are gonna do great in their performances.

“I’m nervous mum” DK said and I can really feel her for her hands are cold as ice.

“aww…don’t be baby girl…you’ll do just fine” I pulled her closer to me for comfort.

“But…what if I screw up?” she asked with a shaky voice.

“If you screw up…just let it be” I answered coolly and she sighed.

“How I wish I have more confidence” she said and I kissed her temple.

“You are confident!” I pinched her nose, making her giggle.

I know that singing is really DK’s least favorite talent but her voice is just so beautiful that even little kids can really fall in love with it. I’m telling you, she really is good and I’m just so proud that she can sing like a total pro (I’m not bein