August 22

Peace demands the most heroic labor and the most difficult sacrifice. It demands greater heroism than war. It demands greater fidelity to the truth and a much more perfect purity of conscience. Sacrifice and selflessness. It did not mean hearts and flowers and a happy ending, but the knowledge that another’s well-being is more important than one’s own.

I’m willing to sacrifice for my family. Actually, both Jiyong and I are willing to give up everything just for our family to be at peace. But then again, you’ll end up debating and even arguing just to decide on who will sacrifice the most and in our case, we are still in the process of arguments and debates.

Two days ago, I nearly lost my baby and I have made a random but sure decision that I’ll go to America and work there. I know that going to the States would really give us peace, but just by thinking that my husband will be left here in Korea is a different story. If only it’s that easy for us to leave our careers behind, maybe we have already flew far away from this chaotic world. Thing is, we cannot even say goodbye to our long time careers yet. Well, in Jiyong’s case, he’s telling me that he is ready to retire from the music industry already but his whole being is saying the opposite thing. I can see that my husband is not yet ready to give up that microphone and turn his back from all the people that made him who he is today. I also know that leaving Big Bang would be the hardest thing that he will ever have to do.

“MUM!” the girls called in glee upon seeing me.

“Good Morning babies” I greeted and they helped me to the couch.

It’s good to be home but it’s a bit weird to be here. Well, the moment I got home last night, Jiyong and our kids have been taking care of me like I’m a handicap or someone who has a serious illness. I’m telling you, I feel like a thin glass that needs to be handled with care because I might break anytime.

“Do you want water mum?” Isabella asked and I shook my head.

“How about milk?” Gabby asked and I sighed.

“Mum! You have to tell us what you want so that we can get it for you…..c’mon…it’s OK” DK said and I giggled.

“Girls…I’m fine…I’m not thirsty” I said while brushing away some hair from DK’s face “You are really good girls” I looked at the three of them and they gave me their most beautiful smiles.

“Mum?” Isabella called.

“Is it true that we are going to see Grandpa and Grandma soon?” she asked and I sighed.

“mmmm…I’m not sure about it yet…but…there is a possibility that we might go there” I answered and Gabby gave out a pout.

“I don’t want to go to the States” she said and I waited for her to continue.

“Why is that unnie?” DK asked curiously.

“If we will go there…we will be away from dad…you know him…he don’t go with us whenever we visit Grandma and Grandpa” Gabby answered and my mind is once again reminded of my husband.

Truth is, Jiyong and I haven’t talked about this whole matter yet. He keeps on ignoring me whenever I open this topic to him. I know that he’s still thinking of another way to keep us safe without our family being separated but as days pass by, I can see that he’s slowly losing hope already.

“Babies…what will you do if I tell you that we might move to America…for good” I asked carefully.

“MUM!” Gabby shouted, it’s so obvious that she’s against it.

“Is this serious mum?” Isabella asked and I just stared at her.

“I’m fine with it…but…dad has to be there with us as well” DK answered and I smiled at her.

“NO! I don’t want to leave Korea! I don’t want to leave Halmeoni and Harabeoji…and the Aunties and Uncles…plus our cousins! NO!” Gabby protested in anger.

“Baby girl” I tried calming her down but she’s just too emotional.

Gosh! Gabby is already having a meltdown this early, what more if we already told her that everything is legit and we’ll really be moving to America for good.

“Mum! NO! We cannot leave Korea! This is our home! America is just for vacation! I don’t want to live there!” Gabby keeps on throwing a meltdown and her tears are enough to tell me that she loathes this idea.

“Gabby! Will you stop? You’re acting like a baby” Isabella said in annoyance while watching her sister cry.

“Unnie…we are not going anywhere yet...stop crying…you’re too loud” DK told her and Gabby looked at me and I pulled her for a hug.

“Baby girl…nothing’s sure yet….I’ll be honest with you” I said and they all looked at me “There is a possibility of us living in America” I continued and Gabby started crying again while the other two girls gasped in shock “Mum and dad are still deciding on it…but once we have agreed on this…us…along with your brothers and Karielle will move to America right away” I finished and they looked at me in confusion.

“How about dad? Isn’t he going with us?” DK asked and I sighed.

“I still don’t know baby girl…he’s not sure yet…mmm…you know so well that dad has a lot of things to do here in Seoul…right? But don’t worry…he’ll visit us every month…and you can talk to him through Skype or over the phone anytime” I said and they shook their heads.

“I don’t want to go to America anymore” Isabella said.

“I will go to America if dad will come with us …but if he’s not…I’ll just stay here” DK followed while staring in blank space.

“I won’t go mum….I will not leave dad here alone” Gabby said and walked out of the living room.

OK. So this is not as easy as I thought it would be. Well, I’m actually expecting it to go smoothly because the kids always tells me that they want to visit their grandparents in America, but I guess they are not open to living there for good. I can’t blame them though, coz they grew up here in Seoul and all of the people that they love are here as well.

“Babe” Jiyong called with his just-woke-up y voice.

“mmm?”

“Aren’t you going to eat breakfast?” he asked and I just stared at him.

“Jiyong…I’m so torn” I told him randomly, confusing him.

“Huh? Torn about what?” he sit beside me and pulled me closer to him.

“I want to leave Seoul as soon as possible but at the same time…I don’t want to leave…I’m already mixed up and my mind is about to break already” I told him and he sighed.

“Let’s eat breakfast now” he said and was about to get up when I pulled him back down.

“Jiyong…don’t brush this thing off…don’t ignore me whenever I open this matter to you” I told him, pissed.

“Look…we’ll talk about this some other time…for now…let’s go inside and eat breakfast…our kids are waiting for us” he said and walked inside the house.

I don’t know if this is his way of telling me that he doesn’t want my idea or something like that but he already agreed with this, thing is, we are still deciding whether we will go there together or if he’s going to be left here.

“Dad” Gabby called in the middle of breakfast.

“mmmm…what is it baby girl?” Jiyong looked at our daughter with a smile on his face.

“Is it true that we’re going to live in America already?” she asked and this time, it’s the boys’ turn to give their reactions.

“What? Is that true noona?” Danny asked DK who is sitting across him.

“I don’t want to go to America mum” Gabrielle said while munching his pancake.

“Babe...did you tell them?” Jiyong looked at me with his I’m-ing-annoyed-with-you look and I just gave him a small nod.

“Huh?” I looked at my kids and they are waiting for me to talk “uhmm…yeah” I answered and sighed.

OK. Jiyong walked out after that and I’m in my panic mode already. I know that he told me not to tell the kids about this until everything’s polished and finalized, but I just can’t stop myself. After all, it’s better for the kids to know it beforehand than tell them a few days before we leave, right?

“Jiyong” I peeked in his studio and found him lying on the couch.

“Babe” I walked in but he’s not even moving an inch.

Well, I’ve prepared a good explanation for him but I guess my mind is really scattered all over the place that I can’t even remember a word. Jiyong is really pissed and I know that so well because he will not act like this if he’s not. Gosh! This is so hard!

“Babe…I’m sorry for breaking my promise…I know that I should’ve waited for the right time to tell the kids about us leaving and …but…I really can’t help not to tell them…I mean…they should be aware already that there’s this thing cooking up that involves them…Jiyong…this is hard for us….but…conditioning our kids as early as now is the right thing” I finally pulled the words out of my birdbrain.

Uhmm…Jiyong is still ignoring me and his silent treatment is not working at all. I’m just getting annoyed as seconds pass by and this is not going to be good.

“I’ll leave now” I told him after a few minutes of waiting and hoping that he will open his mouth and say even one word.

Things are really getting twisted and messy as time passes by and I’m pretty wrecked up because of it. My life has been going so right a few weeks ago and now, it’s all black. I cannot even see the light coming because I ca