I’ve made a big decision that’ll change my whole life. This retirement is getting the best of me and as I try hard to keep my emotions inside me, I can’t bottle it all up anymore for I know that sooner or later, I’ll burst out already.

Today is our last day here in Seoul and none of us, even my kids are ready to leave. It looks like we are just forcing ourselves to get our asses out of this country when all we want is to stay and just continue the life that we’re used to living here. But then again, we know that it’s better for us to leave than suffer. My only wish is for things to go as planned and we will not be facing heavy challenges anymore.

This morning is not as good as our usual mornings of course, but I’m trying to act as normal as I can be. But I guess, no matter how I act normal, my kids and _________ are still in their dramatic modes and they are bringing me to that state as well.

“Dad…I don’t want to go to America” Gabby said and hugged me.

Gabby is the one who is really affected by this move out and she’s so vocal in telling us that she doesn’t want to go. Our daughters are really attached to all the people here and leaving is the last thing on their minds.

It’s really hard to lift my family’s spirits up because I cannot lift my own as well. These are my most hated moments because as much as I want to be positive, I can’t for I don’t want them to have high hopes that everything will go well for us once we move in there.

My wife and I have been packing our things for days now and still, we have a lot to do. AISH! This is one of the difficult things when you’re moving to another place, both _________ and I are too lazy to even sort things out.

“These things will go to that box”________ handed me a book and I do what I was told.

From the way my wife looks, I can see that she’s also going through an emotional moment and she’s also wearing that “I’m fine” mask on her face but I guess, I’m the best actor amongst us. _______ is really transparent, you can see through her effortlessly and seeing her in this state is saddening.

 “Where did you get this?” I asked when she gave me a picture.

The moment I saw the picture, I was horrified and at the same time, disgusted. Well, it’s a picture of me and Lauren wherein that psychopath is kissing me on the cheek and I look like I love what she was doing. As far as my memory can remember, this photo was taken when _______ left me without saying anything at all. I was really down and all I want is to shift my attention to other things so that I can forget ________ easily. Thing is, I fell in Lauren’s trap and I really kissed the of the devil. Actually, I really believe that I’m the one who put my wife and family’s life in danger coz if I didn’t hook up with Lauren before, she wouldn’t even think of doing crazy things to us now. Thinking about all the things that she has done, especially to _________, I can’t help but be thankful that we already found a great solution to our problem. I pray that Lauren will already stop from bugging us since she doesn’t know anything about us moving to America. No. I didn’t announced that my family and I are migrating to another country, all this time everybody (except from the people in YG and our family) knows that I’m just retiring and nothing more. Brady on the other hand, promised that he will not even spill anything to his sister (they’re not in good speaking terms now, so our secret is safe with him).

“Babe….do you really think that we’ll be good in America?” _______ asked while drawing circles using her finger on my chest.

“We are….aigoo” I looked at her and her eyes are watery already “Babe…don’t think about it too much…I know that you have a lot of worries and fears…especially with the kids…but…we can do this…I’m sure that we will get used to living there sooner or later…what matters most is…you and our kids will be out of danger already” I told her and she sighed.

“But babe…just by thinking that we’ll be so far away from the world that we’re used to living is hard….I keep on telling myself that this is for the better…but my heart is still in chaos” she said and I kissed her forehead.

“I’m gonna be honest with you” I said and she looked deep into my eyes “This whole thing is breaking me in pieces…and the only thing that keeps me going is you and our kids…I’m getting strength from you…and seeing you in this state is not helping me…_______...you have to be strong for me…for our kids…and for yourself as well…we have to embrace change because it’ll give us peace” I said and she hugged me tightly.

“I’m just afraid that things might not go well as planned…and babe…I’m still feeling guilty about your retirement….you are going to say goodbye to your career officially and it’s just so hard to take” she said and I felt a drop of tear fell on my chest.

My wife has been feeling guilty about my retirement ever since I announced it and no words can pull her out of it. As a matter of fact, I’ve been thinking about this retirement for a long time already and now is really the right time to make it all happen.

After our talk, we head to the YG building already to say goodbye and to endorse whatever work we will leave to the people there. The members and I agreed to continue recording for our final album since this will be the last time that I’ll be it with them in one studio. I’ve decided to take a break from recording and song writing for a couple of weeks, coz I know that I still have to adjust to my new environment once we get there. After a couple of weeks, I’m going to record on my own in the small studio that my in-laws arranged for me. I’ll be coordinating and monitoring with the boys through Skype and mail until we finish this album. This is not an easy job for I’ll be working so far away from them, but the good thing there is, we can still see and talk to each other every day even if I’m living half way around the world from them.

“I'm so sorry but I love you da geojitmal
Iya mollasseo ijeya arasseo nega piryohae
I'm so sorry but I love you nalkaroun mal
Hwatgime nado moreuge neol tteonabonaetjiman
I'm so sorry but I love you da geojitmal
I'm so sorry (I'm sorry)
But I love you (I love you more more)”
 

The moment I heard this, my heart sank and my emotions are being shaken once again. I knew that this would happen, and as hard as I tried preparing myself for this, I still can’t help but breakdown.

Seeing many VIPs outside the YG building is a normal sight already, but this is totally different for this’ll be the last time that I’ll be seeing them. What touched me more is the fact that they really planned to give me a good farewell and even though I know that I’ve broken their hearts, they are still there for me.

“I can’t take this…I’m going in now” I told my wife, who is listening to the fans singing.

I just can’t take it. My mind is telling me that it’s rude to just go inside the building without even saying thank you to our fans, while my heart is telling me that I should act normal coz once I showed weakness, I’m sure that my wife will be dragged down as well.

“Oh! You are late!” Teddy hyung said and I just smiled at him.

“This is your last day brotha!” Youngbae said and punched me lightly on the chest.

“Jiyong-ah! You will be a New Yorker starting tomorrow….waaaa….you are going to fire things up there” Teddy hyung teased, making us laugh.

“Hyung…I may be living in New York but I’m one hundred percent Korean” I told him and we exchanged high-fives.

“Ji…haven’t you noticed? The whole building looks dull and without life at all” Youngbae asked and I looked at him in confusion.

“We are all sad because you and _______are leaving already….everybody has been talking about your departure…believe me…even the people at the cafeteria are affected by it” TOP hyung said and I felt pain in my heart once again.

This whole thing is really making me crazy for I don’t want to hear things like this. I want everybody to act normal around me because I don’t want to say goodbye dramatically to them. I’m the kind of guy who is so used in keeping emotions inside him, but this is really different for I’m about to explode already.

“AISH! I don’t want a dramatic farewell” I told them and they laughed.

“We are not going to give you a dramatic farewell…we’ll be giving you a torture packed farewell” Teddy hyung grabbed my arm while Youngbae and TOP hyung throw playful punches on my body.

“What a childish deed” I told them and we all laughed.

This is what I’m going to miss the most. My bond with the people in this company is just so tight and leaving them is really difficult. I’ve already said my goodbyes to all our dancers and coordi noonas yesterday and they were down to tears in just a split second while I controlled mine and cried my heart out in the car on the way home.

“Yeh” I answered Daesung’s call and I can hear the fans singing in the background.

“Hyung…can you hear that? There are so many fans here outside and they are singing heartbreaker…this is really sweet” he said and it made my heart drop to my feet already.

And that’s the end of me acting strong. I can feel my heart being filled with all my emotions and in just a matter of minutes, I’m down in tears and all I can do is cry like a baby inside our recording booth.

“OMO!” Teddy hyung said when I started crying.

“Yah! Don’t be a sissy!” TOP hyung teased and I run inside our recording booth to take it all out.

Aigoo. I’ve never done this before and I know that I’ve shocked the three guys outside this booth for they haven’t seen me in this state yet. Actually, I’ve already cried buckets of tears in front of them, but this is the first time that I cried rivers and it’s just so embarrassing for them to see it.

I just found myself curling into a ball on the floor while crying with my heart full of pain. It’s just so hard to take things in when you know so well that no matter how hard you try on telling yourself that everything’s good, it’s not working coz you know that you are not well at all.

“Babe” the moment I heard my wife’s voice, I run to her and hugged her tightly.

I know that this is really a shocking moment for her coz she haven’t seen me breakdown like a little kid yet. It’s just so unbelievable that she’s the one being strong for the both of us now when a few hours ago, she’s the one shattering in pieces.

“Stop crying”

“Babe…you always tell m