November 5

Every day, every moment we have isn’t forever, and when it’s gone, we can’t get it back. We live in the constant fear of what is happening, what might come, and what might have been. As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it’s harder every time. You’ll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You’ll fight with your best friend. You’ll blame a new love for things an old one did. You’ll cry because time is passing too fast, and you’ll eventually lose someone you love. So take many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you’ve never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you’ll never get back.

“….do you even know what the kids look like now? Have you heard Karielle rant over some broken pencil for hours? Are you aware that Isabella has three suitors who comes and visits her from time to time? Did you know that DK is a straight A student? That Gabby is a part of the glee club and ballet club in school? Did you know that the twins are not good in math and I have to teach them for hours just for them to learn how to add? And last but not the least…did you know that Danny is beginning to be a total war freak in school?”

“You are missing a lot ________....you don’t even know now what’s going on with us…you are living like you don’t have a family waiting for you to take care of them…actually…our relationship is now in ruins because we lack communication…”

Jiyong’s words are still ringing in my ears and I keep on remembering the hot conversation that we had last night.

Two months have passed by and we are living our lives in a fast and busy way (well for me, it is a busy life). All this time, I’m working my off just to get YG RUNWAY International on track for it is just starting, and like what I did at the main branch in Korea, I have to make this brand boom and I don’t even know if I can still do it.

Work has eaten my whole being up and even if I know that working too much is not good for me, I just let it be for I know my limitations and I will stop when I already feel like I have to stop. Well, because I’m working almost all day and even night, my time here at home is so little which totally , but I don’t have a choice. I accepted this job, therefore I need to be responsible and do the best that I could to not disappoint the people who put me in this position. Yes, I’m a total for putting work as my top priority as for the moment but I’m telling you, once the company is already stable, I’ll be spending a lot of time with my kids and Jiyong already.

After Jiyong and I had a heated conversation last night, I’ve come to realize that I’m totally as a mum already. First and foremost, I don’t give time for them anymore. I wake up even before they wake and go to work right away. We haven’t shared meals for weeks already and it’s just so devastating because I miss cooking pancakes for them. Second, I haven’t talked to them except for the times that Jiyong would call me and they’ll insist in talking to me. But then again, we’ll just talk for a couple of minutes, coz I have to go back to work already. And third, I forgot my daughter’s birthday and that is by far the worst thing that I’ve done in my thirteen years of being a mother.

I don’t know, but I guess my husband is also sick of what’s happening to us already for he, himself has burst out his feelings as well. I do know we communicate less now and whenever he wants to talk to me, I’ll always fall asleep for I’m too exhausted to even listen to anyone. Gosh! Why did I let this happen to us? Why am I doing this to my family? Why am I being a bad wife and mother when I promised myself that I will never do anything that will hurt them? What do I have to do now? I can’t quit my job for God’s sake! I just started and this is one reason as to why we’re living here in America now.

Last night, Jiyong didn’t sleep beside me, rather, he slept beside DK (I looked for him all over the house and found him beside our daughter). I wasn’t able to have a good sleep for I’m feeling really guilty because of all the things that my husband told me. It made me reflect on things and it opened my eyes to reality. And that is, I am already neglecting my family and my work is totally getting the best out of me. That I’m being a careless woman, who doesn’t even think of her family and what they’re feeling.

I’m hating myself now and I cannot even forgive me. I know that no matter how many wrong deeds I do, my family will still understand me but with what’s happening to us right now, I have a feeling that it’ll take me a long time to get their hearts back again.

“mmmm?” Daryl answered my call after gazillion rings.

“Sis…I need you now” I told her and I heard her sigh.

“Alright…start” she cleared and said.

“I’m being a miserable mother and an -y wife here” I told her and she chuckled.

“What are you talking about? Sis! Are you drunk or something? What time is it there?” she asked and I looked at the clock that reads three in the morning.

“Three” I answered.

“Three?” she asked.

“Three in the morning” I answered and she gasped.

“What the ! Why are you still awake? You should be sleeping dear” she said and I sighed.

“I can’t sleep…AT ALL…my mind is just so ed up that all I want is to bring is my old self back” I started with tears rolling down my cheeks.

“What are you talking about?” she asked in confusion.

Even the girls don’t know anything about me anymore, coz ever since we moved here in New York, I rarely talk to them (well, we talk during work for I still monitor them from time to time but that’s just it). My plate is just so full of things to do that even the people that was once part of my everyday life has been shut down from my system already.

I told Daryl everything that she has to know from the very beginning till last night’s events. Of course, she cannot believe that I was able to take everything in when I know so well that I’m doing the wrong thing. I’ve received a lot of bad words from her (, hole, , jerk, idiot, scumbag, stupid and a lot more). This is one good thing in talking with Daryl, she’s not used to filtering her words especially when it comes to me and Railey. She’s our eye opener, our conscience and sometimes, the devil and the angel on our shoulders.

“Why are you doing this? Sis! You know so well that there’s a fine line between stupidity and idiocy…and right now…you’re flirting with both…no…you already kissed their asses” she said in anger.

“I know…I’m stupid and I’m a certfied idiot…but sis…can you blame me? I’m just doing the job that was trusted on me…the company needs so much time right now and as its highest person….I have to make sure that everything will work well in the end” I told her and she smirked.

“BUT YOU ARE A MOTHER…A WIFE…..YOU HAVE A FAMILY! You’re not a single magazine genius anymore like you used to be many years ago…you have a lot of responsibilities outside of your office and they are more important than that ing company!” she said and her words stabbed my heart to death.

I know my responsibilities but for some unexplainable reasons, I seem to slack off and just do whatever my mind thinks of doing. Well, OK. I’m gonna be honest here. I am acting like this because I can’t still believe that Jiyong is spending two whole months already inside our house, doing the things that he hasn’t even imagined doing when he can go back on track and do some sick beats and songs. I still can’t understand why he’d rather be at home washing the dishes, doing the laundry and cleaning the whole house, when his studio is just waiting for him to use it more. Yes, I’m so lucky to have a husband like him and I’m really thankful that he’s watching over the kids and at the same time, keeping everything around the house going but still, being a homeboy is not Jiyong’s nature,