I’ve messed up for the millionth time and I know that this one is big. Right now, I don’t even know how to work things up anymore. All I know is that, I’m hurting my wife so much and whether she’ll forgive me or not, I still don’t know. I promised to not do anything stupid anymore but here I am, repeating the same mistakes again.

When the rumors fired up, I already know that my life is going to be twisted once again. I know that my wife and I are going to be in a whirlwind of emotions and in one way or another, we will break each other and totally make each other miserable.  I feel so guilty for she has been so nice and understanding in everything that I do and here I am, fooling around and making stupid decisions. This is when I realized, does she really deserve me? Am I really the right man for her? Can I really hold on to that happy ever after?   These questions run around in my head like they’re in an Olympic marathon and even though I’m dying to know the answers, I don’t even know where to find them.

The members are still in rage because of what I’ve done and TOP hyung is the one who is greatly affected by it. Well, I can really understand him for I know that he promised _________ that he’ll be the one watching over me and of course, it’s just so devastating to know that you have failed that promised. Oh well, I deserve this anyway. It’s just that, I need my brothers now and I’m wishing that they’d at least hear me out.

“Jiyong-ah” Youngbae sat in front of me after hours of waiting for him in the cafeteria.

“Youngbae-ah” I said and tears started pooling in my eyes.

“AISH! Don’t cry …you haven’t even explained anything yet” he told me and I tried holding back my tears.

“I don’t know what to do anymore…I don’t even know how to deal with this now” I said and he sighed.

“You know what? All you have to do is be honest…just tell us if you and Anne are in a relationship...it’s easier to deal with it if you’re already free from all your lies” he said and I looked at him in disbelief.

I know that it’s really hard to believe that Anne and I are nothing and I am just helping her hide from her ex lover. YG hyung didn’t even buy my explanation at first for he cannot believe that I can let a random girl live with me in one house. And it’s much harder to believe for the YG family knows that Anne and I nearly had something before and she fell in love with me.

“Believe me Youngbae…I just did that out of kindness…I know that it’s wrong and I’m totally admitting that I’m at fault here but it’s just so unfair because nobody is even believing in me…but I swear! I’m telling the truth here” I said after telling him the whole story.

“But Jiyong…it’s just so hard to believe it…OK…I’m already there…you did this out of charity and you just want to make sure that she and her son is going to be alright…but…why do you even have to ask her to live with you in one house when you can just bring her to a hotel or apartment far away from the city…there are so many ways to keep them safe and yet you have thought of this stupid idea…worst is…your wife doesn’t even know anything about it…in short…you have made a fool out of her” he said and reality suddenly hit me.

Just by hearing Youngbae, I know that I’m really at fault here. Yes, I’m not cheating on her or anything close to that, but I should’ve asked for her permission first before deciding. After all, we are partners and her opinion is really important as well.

“I’m completely wrong…I know that…but…it’s already done…I cannot bring it all back…what I want now is a chance to explain myself most especially to my wife” I said and he patted my hand.

“Jiyong-ah…it’s never too late…you can still explain to your wife….we both know her….she’s not the type of girl who will just believe in rumors…or maybe she will believe it in one way or another…but she will give you a chance to voice yourself out…she’s the kind of person who will not jump into conclusions right away…trust me she’ll listen to you first” he told me and I had renewed strength once again.

“Have you talked to the girls already?” I asked and he nods.

At that point, I can already feel that they are aware of all the hubbubs here in Korea. I can also see in Youngbae’s eyes that something is happening in America and it’s making me really nervous.

“Jiyong…your wife already saw the headlines….she has seen each and every article and pictures” he said and all I can do is sigh.

“That’s not all…they brought her to the hospital for she fainted after seeing everything” he added and from there, I feel like my world just crushed right in front of my very eyes.

“What?” I asked again for I might’ve heard it wrong.

“Your wife is in the hospital right now and it’s all because of you…her blood pressure went high once again and it looks like she’s gonna be there for a few months coz her doctor wants to make sure that she’ll  get the rest that she needs…that’s why he’s going to confine _________ in the hospital till she gives birth…Jiyong…this is not healthy for her….I think you should just give her space for a while…you showing up there or talking to her is not going to be a good idea…she’s really sensitive and one wrong move can bring your babies in danger” he answered and I already breakdown.

I’m really a bad husband. How can I not think of my pregnant wife before making a stupid decision? OK. I know that there’s no room for regrets already, but I’m dying inside for I know that she will not be in the hospital if it weren’t for me. I’ve brought her to hell once again and she’s just so innocent to even suffer so much.

After talking with Youngbae, I called Omma right away to check on my wife. I know that calling her is like digging my own grave for I know that she will scold me to death and worst, she’ll even turn her back on me. Once again, I just have to this all up for I deserve this.

“Why?” Omma said right away.

“Omma…Youngbae told me that __________ is in the hospital…how is she?” I asked worriedly and there was silent on the other line.

“How can you do this to her? Huh Jiyong? How can fool around when you know so well that you already have a family? Look at what you’ve done! You’re putting your wife and kids’ life in danger” Omma started and I’m already preparing myself for an intense scolding.

“Omma…it’s not what you think it is…all that you have read on the internet are not true…well…yes…that woman is living with me in one roof but we’re not in a relationship….I offered her my house coz I just want her and her son to be safe for her ex lover is hunting them…Omma…you know me…I cannot even hurt my wife…I love her so much…cheating is so far from my mind…none of the rumors are true and please…I’m begging you…help me with this” I pleaded and I can hear my mother crying.

It’s really heartbreaking whenever you hear your mother crying because of your stupid mistakes. I know that she’s hurting more than me and no matter how long my explanation is, everything is just going down to one thing and  that is, I made a big mistake and there’s nothing I can do about it.

“What will you do now? You know what Jiyong?  I’m ashamed to be here…as a matter of fact…I just want to go back to Korea and not show my face to _________’s parents ever again…they have entrusted their daughter to you and look at what you’re doing….you’re messing her whole life once again and if you have already forgotten…this is also the reason why her parents forced the two of you to separate years ago…and I’m telling you…it’s not impossible for them to do that again….to be honest…I’ll even be the one convincing ________ to leave you….or better yet….divorce you….coz son….what you’re bringing to her is   just pain…nothing more nothing less…there’s a pinch of happiness along the way but at the end of the day…you’ll just ruin things for her and your family….I think you have to think about it…your marriage is not working the way you want it to be and if breaking it is the only way for my daughter in-law to be happy….I’d definitely tell her to just divorce and leave you” Omma said and hearing