It had been a long and tiring day, but for one reason or another he just couldn’t sleep. All day long he had done nothing more than worrying, thinking, wondering but he hadn’t been able to make his mind up about anything. There was so little information and the fact that he didn’t know anything was killing him. It was still all over the news, nobody seemed to be talking about anything else, while he couldn’t think about anything else. It seemed as if he was living in a shadow of himself, as if no matter what he did and how he did it he was never able to put himself completely in it. He had thought that going to practice today would be good for him, to get his mind off of things, to keep himself occupied. But it had been the exact opposite of that. He had felt guilty that he was just able to move on with his life while actually he should be waiting by the phone. He hadn’t supposed to be there, he hadn’t been needed there, there was someone else who needed him much more now. At least he hoped that was the truth, because otherwise he would be feeling so miserable he didn’t even know if he would be able to handle it. Your parents had called him yesterday, bringing him the bad news. It had been a normal day, he had been at work and he had been annoyed when he had gotten a phone call from an unknown number. Thank god he had picked up, because he would never have been able to forgive himself if he hadn’t. 

They had told him that the plane you and your band members had been in while coming over towards Korea had crashed down. It only would have taken a few more minutes before you had arrived and everything would have ended well. They didn’t know what the reason was of the accident, they had started an investigation that should be able to give all the families and friends of the travelers more information. The only thing they had told with certainty was that so far they hadn’t found any survivors. Everyone inside of the crash was dead, every single passenger, there had been no sign of anyone living through it so far. He just couldn’t believe it, you had been on your way over to come back home after being gone for two weeks. He had had you on the phone only a few hours before, listening to how excited you had been to see him again. And he had been excited to see you as well, but he had been busy and he hadn’t wanted to stretch the phone call longer than had been necessary. Right now he wished that he could turn back the time, back to that short moment where he had been able to speak to you. He wished that he could go back to that and that he could listen to your sweat voice talking to him, going on and on about how much you had liked it in New York, how much you would like to go there on a holiday with him. But he had been too busy caring about himself and his own stupid needs to give you the time to explain it all to him. If he could only tell you how much he loved you, how gladly he wanted you to come home. 

But if he had to believe what everybody was telling him then you were no longer coming and he had lost his chance. Would he still have the chance to tell you how happy he was to see you, how beautiful you were, how glad he wanted to take you out on that trip? At this moment he would literally do anything, everything if he would just be able to have you in his arms again. People said that you only realized what you had until it was gone and now he knew that they were totally right. The two of you had been together for almost a year now and it had become a habit of being with you. It almost seemed as if he had been sleep walking, thinking that the relationship the two of you had been having had been nothing else than normal. But now that you weren’t here and he didn’t know if he was ever going to see you again he seemed to realize that whatever you had wasn’t normal. It had been so special and precious, something he wouldn’t have with anyone else again. The two of you had fitted so well together and he knew that he would never find a girl again who would even be slightly as good as you. He shouldn’t have been thinking of your relationship as something that was just a part of life, it had been so much more than that. If he could only see your smile again, wrap his arms around you, kiss the top of your head. He would literally do anything.  

He was sitting up inside of his bed, staring at the blanc wall in front of him. He had seemed to be doing that for hours now, while the others all seemed to be asleep, not worrying about anything. Of course they were sad and they cared a lot about him, but it wasn’t bad enough to keep them all up at night. And who was he to blame them, they hadn’t been the ones who had shared everything with you for the past eleven months. It was true that he was deadly exhausted, but each time he would close his eyes he would see your pleading face in front of him, begging him to come look for you. He just couldn’t handle the sight, it was unbearable. To him you weren’t dead yet, it was impossible. He refused to believe that you were really gone, it just couldn’t be possible. You would never just leave him like that, without saying goodbye, you knew that he wouldn’t be able to handle it. They hadn’t found your body yet, they had no prove of the fact that you were no longer alive so until that time you were alive to him. A soft knock on his bedroom door made him jump slightly and he turned his head towards the door to look who was there. He was surprised to see Suho standing in the doorway, his eyes looking for the younger boy inside of the dark room. It was easy to see that he had been sitting there all night, his be