The whole room seemed to stop the moment I saw the doctors and nurses surrounding my grandfather. I don’t know what to do anymore, all I want is to shout at Grandpa and tell him that he should fight, but my voice is nowhere to be found and I was stuck in my place. Upon seeing me in shock, Charles immediately dragged me out of the suite and he was talking to me but I can’t hear anything.

How I wish Jiyong is here. I need strength for me to be able to take whatever the doctors will say about Grandpa.

Minutes passed by and the doctors came out of the room already. From the looks of it, I already know that I’m about to hear a bad news.

“I’m sorry….we cannot save the patient anymore…we’ve done everything to revive him….but…it seems like your grandfather can’t fight anymore…he had a heart attack and his vitals went down already even before we started reviving him…once again…we’re sorry” the doctor said and at that point, all I could do is scream and cry.

Dad came out of Grandpa’s room after the doctor talked to us and left without even saying a word. I know that this is hard for him as well. Charles immediately called the twins while I chose to stay at the lobby for I cannot take to see Grandpa being covered with a white cloth.

“Clarise” Charles called me and behind him are nurses who are wheeling Grandpa to somewhere I don’t know.

“We’re going to bring Grandpa to the morgue now…the twins are on their way already” he said.

Right in front of me is my old man, covered in white cloth and is about to be wheeled in the morgue. It is really painful and I can’t even look at him.

“O…K” I said while trying not to cry.

“Are you not going to say goodbye to Grandpa?” he asked and I just shook my head.

“OK...just stay here” he said and I nod.

After they left, I just broke down and cry again and this time, I don’t care about the people hearing or seeing me. I screamed and cried like a baby, the pain that I’m feeling right now is incomparable, it’s like I’m losing a big part of myself.

I went home without saying a word to my brothers. I can’t take what’s happening anymore and all I want to do is act like nothing happened for reality hasn’t sink in to me yet so up until it hit me, I’ll just pretend that I’m fine and everything’s normal.

“Clarise! Why did you go home alone? Where are your brothers?” Nana asked upon seeing me.

“uhmm…I wasn’t feeling well…they’re still in the hospital” I answered.

“Have you eaten already?” she asked and I shook my head.

“I’ll cook dinner for you…I’ll just put Carol in her crib” she said and I looked at my baby sister who is so silent in her arms.

“Can I carry her? I can take care of her while you’re cooking” I told Nana and she looked at me weirdly.

“Nana…don’t worry…I will not drop her or anything” I said and she laughed.

“OK” she said and handed the baby to me.

I envy Carol. I want to be as innocent as her. She’s got no problems, her emotions are not that intense yet and pain is still nothing to her. All I want is for time to go back so that I can correct my mistakes and bring Grandpa back.

“Where is Carol’s mom? I asked while eating and Nana hissed.

“She’s living as if she doesn’t have any responsibilities here…Carol is always left in our care…she rarely sees her mom” Nana answered and I looked at her in shock.

“And dad is just letting her do this?” I asked.

“Well…you know your dad…he rarely comes home and all he do is work…he won’t even waste time correcting his girlfriend…after all…she won’t listen” she answered and I smirked.

I can say that dad is really not fit to be a father. He is so blessed with five wonderful kids and all he does is put them aside and not mind them at all.

After dinner, I headed to my room with Carol in my arms. I can’t understand why I feel so connected to her, maybe because she’s my sister and I’m seeing myself in her. Back when I was a kid, my dad doesn’t give a damn on me too. Nana and Grandpa will take turns in taking care of me and they will keep me company until I fell asleep at night. I can still remember the times when I cry because Grandpa is not the one reading a bed time story to me. Gosh! Why are all these memories coming back now? Is this Grandpa’s way of saying goodbye to me?

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Clarise left for home today. I feel so bad because I can’t come with her and Charles hyung to see Grandpa, but I’ve already made arrangements and have asked YG hyung to give me a few days off from work to be able to follow them there. Honestly, I find it really hard without Clarise beside me. My mind is just so full of worries and fears. I don’t know, but a stupid thought came into mind the moment I left the airport after sending her off. What if she realized that she doesn’t want to come back already for life  is much better there? What if Grandpa requested for her to stay a little bit longer and in the end, she will just call me and say that she’s breaking up with me? What will I do if all of that happens? I’m sure that I will just find myself in a mental institution.

AISH! I know that I always laugh whenever she talks about her What If’s or if she’s over thinking and imagining things. But now that I’m the one in this situation, all I can do is hope that what I’m thinking is just all in the mind and it won’t happen. After all, I’m sure that Clarise will stick with me till the end and if she wants to stay there for good, I’m ready to give up everything here in Korea just to be