(2 weeks after)

Now I know what heartbreak is. It is lying on the bathroom floor trying your damn hardest to breathe while at the same time wondering why it all went wrong and how you’re gonna get up and pretend like everything is alright, and what the hell are you gonna do about that hole in your chest.

I am a mess and I don’t know how to pull myself up from that wonderful fall. I’m like a lost puppy, looking for a home.

It’s been two weeks and I’m in a very rough road. My mind is tired from thinking but my eyes are more tired from crying. I don’t know what’s gonna happen to me next, all I know is that my life has been taken away from me and as much as I want to start a new life, I can’t seem to run away from my past.

Waking up every day is hard. I don’t have the energy to do the usual things that I do. There are even times where I just want to not wake up just to get out of my world already.

“Hey Nippy!” Trish greeted the moment she saw me on the screen.

“Hey!” I greeted.

“Oh gosh! You’re skinnier than yesterday…what are you trying to do with yourself?” she asked.

“I don’t feel like eating…I don’t even have the energy to chew” I said and she smirked.

“Do you want me to feed you through a tube…huh? Why are you making your life this miserable? Get over the pain now…what’s done is done…he’s gonna be sorry he lost you…so stop worrying…forget the past…forget the pain….and remember what an incredible woman you are…you do that and he’ll realize what he lost” she said and tears started falling down my cheeks.

“You know what hurts so much? It’s when someone made you feel special yesterday but makes you feel like you’re nobody today” I told her.

“I know how you feel…but nippy…you can’t let this rule you…G-dragon has let you go already and waiting for him is like waiting for a mango tree to bear an apple…two weeks is already enough to tell you that you’re waiting for nothing” she said and I cried harder.

I can’t let go. Yes, I’m still waiting for him to come back, but it just saddens me to think that people seems so nice and loving, then you go out of your way for them only to blow it, next thing you know it, you end up on your own again.

“I can’t understand myself…I’m hurting but I’m still holding on to whatever’s hurting me…I feel so weak…I want him back…I WANT HIM BACK” I said and breakdown.

“You know what? All I want to do now is slap you on the cheek…HARD…so that you will wake up from reality…it’s already done…he’s not even giving a damn on you anymore…next thing you know it…he’s already out there with another woman in his arms…and I’m telling you…it’s better to get it over now than wait for that day” Trish said.

“BUT I CAN’T! I don’t even know how to…I have a feeling that we’ll get back soon…he just needs time” I said and she sighed.

“I don’t know what to say anymore…your mind is already fixed…I’m not used to this nippy…the Clarise that I know is good in breaking people’s hearts…she’s bubbly even when tons of problems get on her way…she knows when to stop…and she heals fast…I want that girl to be back…I don’t even care if that girl is heartless…I just want my bestfriend back…you’re killing that girl already nippy and it’s not just right” she said in between sobs.

“Nippy…I’m sorry…I know that I shouldn’t bother you with this anymore…don’t worry…I’ll wake up one day feeling normal again…I just want to wait for a little while” I told her.

“These things are happening for a reason…maybe this is a reality check…maybe you’re not meant to be in fairytales…maybe God wants you to be in an action movie where you always gets hurt but stands up victoriously in the end” she said and I smiled at her.

“Happy endings are bull…I don’t even know why I believe in them” I said.

It is hard to get back on track, a lot of times I’ll just find myself staring into space without even moving at all and next thing I know it, it’s already dark outside and I’ll just realize that I’ve been zoning out for hours already.

After talking with Trish, I dragged myself out of bed and into the bathroom. I am going to start this day like any normal day but I’ll try to make it less crappy.

“Where are you going?” Charles asked when he saw me coming out of my room, dressed up and all set.

“uhmm…work?” I answered.

“Work? Are you sure you’re fine now?” he asked and I smirked.

Truth is, my week leave was extended for another week and it was Sajagnim’s idea. I also resigned as Big Bang’s stylist and focused more on my writing. I told myself that it’s better to not see G-dragon everyday than be in one room with him.

“I am damn sure that I’m all set to work…after all…my mind is already in condition now” I said and he hissed.

“Clarise…don’t fool yourself…I can see that you’re still grieving…look at you! You look like an anorexic already…actually…Jiyong is exactly like you…if you could only see him now…he’s skin and bones too” he said and I smirked.

“I will not see him in the office…I’m sure of that…and if we’re going to see each other now…I’ll just pass by him and pretend like I’ve seen nothing” I told him.

“As if you can do that…yeah…you will not see him in the office because they will be performing in a music show today...wait…do you wanna come?” he asked and I looked at him in disbelief.

“Charles…are you teasing me again? Why would I go there? I mean…fine…my support is all out to the boys but I don’t think I can handle being there…I’m just gonna watch it on television later” I said and he nods.

“No…I’m just telling you to get it over with…you know what? This is what you have to do…go there and smile so the tears won’t fall…laugh like you don’t hurt at all….fake it so he’ll never know that you still haven’t let him go” he said and I scratched my head and sighed.

“I can’t do that Charles…everything’s still fresh and seeing him would just make me miserable…the reason as to why hide whenever he’s around is that…I don’t want to remember the things that we’ve done before…it’s actually not the goodbye that hurts….but the flashbacks that follow” I told him and he hugged me.

“OK…fine…I won’t force you anymore…are you sure you’re good now? I mean…can you drive yourself to the YG building?” he asked and I nod.

“Yeah…my bruises are fine now…my body’s not aching either…don’t worry…I will not breakdown and cry in the middle of the road” I joked and he laughed.

“You are really gonna get it from me if something bad happens to my car” he said and I laughed.

“Don’t worry…I’ll pay for the damages” I said.

“We’re leaving in a few minutes…let’s go down together” he said and I shook my head.

“I better leave first…you know…I don’t want to see a dragon in the hallway or in the parking lot” I told him and he laughed.

“OK…I’m just testing you” he said and I slapped his arm playfully.

Well, it’s been a week since I last saw G-dragon and it just happened accidentally. He just arrived from a performance and was opening his apartment door when I passed by him. We didn’t talk but we did look at each other and went inside our apartments after.

It really is tough when