I made a very serious and life changing decision today. I’m leaving Big Bang after ten years of being a member of it. There are shallow and deep reasons as to why I gave up. For these past few months, I have given a lot of problems and disappointments once again to the group. I’m ashamed coz I am their leader, I’m supposed to be playing as their role model, but it always ends up with me, bringing them so much pain and hardships.  I’m losing interest in performing for I don’t have any motivation and inspiration anymore, for me, it’s all worthless. Yes, a lot of people are still listening to my work and is watching and loving me, but deep inside I feel so miserable, maybe because I’m all alone and the people that I get my strength to are far away from me. Making music and writing songs is becoming hard as well, my mind is just so occupied with so many things and my heart is just too numb to even feel any emotions. My love for music is still there though. It’s just that, my body and mind wanted to rest from the tiring world of entertainment.

Before, I can still endure the dirty and massive impact of controversies and I don’t care whether it damaged my career or taint my reputation. But now, controversies seemed to crush my whole being. I guess it’s because I’ve got people to protect other than my parents, YG and myself. I felt so bad when they got dragged into this mess. My kids become hot items and their privacy just vanished in just a snap while Clarise’s privacy is also invaded. The media just won’t stop digging her past and bringing up long forgotten issues. Her accident and even her amnesia were brought up to the public and I know that even if she doesn’t say it, she’s pissed as hell with what these people are doing to her. This is the reason why I let them leave me. It’s better for them to be out of the people’s hot eyes, than be feasted upon. I strongly believe that my decision of retiring from the entertainment industry can also be a way for me to get my family back. And as I always say, I’m ready to give up EVERYTHING just to be with them again.

“Jiyong-ah…are you really sure of this already?” YG hyung asked.

“Neh hyung….this is the only way that I can think of to get better again…it’s hard…and selfish…but I got to let go….for things are just going to get more complicated if I’ll continue with it” I answered and he sighed.

“I’ve called your members for a meeting….they’re on their way here already…the press will be here in a while as well…Jiyong…you know that I’m against your decision…but I know that this is going to help you find yourself again…so I’ll just let you go…always remember that you have a family here who you can run to anytime…twenty four hours a day…seven days a week…and always keep in mind that you can go back to YG and Big Bang anytime you want...just tell me that you’re ready to put that swag on and I’ll be honored to show you to the whole world once again” he said and hugged me tightly.

The members don’t know anything about my decision yet. I tried breaking the news to them yesterday, but I just can’t find the will to even start talking. I know that this is going to be hard for us, but I’m sure that they will understand me no matter what.

“Thank you hyung for everything…I know that in my whole stay here at YG…I’ve given you a lot of heartaches and headaches…I owe you my success…if it weren’t for your strict training…and mind blowing encouragements…I wouldn’t be where I am now…Thank you” I said and he started tearing up.

“Aigoo…you’re just retiring…you’re not going somewhere far…why are we being so emotional? AISH!” he said and slightly hit my head.

It seems like time pass by really fast for the members have already arrived and is fooling around in YG hyung’s office thinking that nothing is wrong and everything’s just normal. I’m really nervous to see their reactions when I tell them about my retirement.

“Boys…your leader will say something important to you” YG hyung said and my eyes are filled with tears already.

“OMO! Hyung!” Seungri said upon seeing a drop of tear fell.

“I’m leaving the group already” I finally said and silence embraced the room.

“Mwo?” TOP hyung asked in, confused.

“Jiyong” Youngbae called while looking at me in shock.

“Wae hyung? Wait….is there a hidden camera?” Daesung asked while looking around the room.

“Aigoo…hyung…we know that you’re going through a hard time in your life right now…but…you don’t have to prank us just to entertain yourself…that’s not a good joke” Seungri said and I chuckled.

“I’m serious…I’ve decided to retire from being an artist” I said and that’s when it sink in.

The members are all quiet while staring in space. TOP hyung stood up from his seat and went to a corner and faced the wall while Youngbae kept on fiddling with his phone like he’s doing something and the maknaes just sit there with their souls out of their bodies. I know that this is going to be hard for everyone to take and seeing them in this situation pains me.

“Why? Why do you have to leave? Huh?” TOP hyung asked after some time.

“Hyung…you know so well that I’m not in my element anymore…I’m like a lost puppy who is finding its way back home…I’ve decided to leave to not affect you with my negativity…after all…I’ve done so many bad things to the group…I’ve tainted the Big Bang’s name for a thousand times already…as a matter of fact…I shouldn’t be called a leader for I don’t embody one and I don’t live…move and think like one” I answered and he hissed.

“Do you think we will last this long if you weren’t a good leader? Jiyong I know that you’re just lost…but the drive is still there…you just need some rest…and a retirement is just so stupid” Youngbae said in anger and that’s the first time I saw him that angry.

“I want to bring my family back to me…and if I’m  going to stick in this chaotic world of ours…it won’t be possible anymore for they have been traumatized by what these people did to them…I want to give my family a normal and private life…and I wouldn’t be able to give it to them if I’m going to stay here” I said and Seungri walked out of the room, followed by Daesung.

“Guys…I guess we really have to let Jiyong do what he wants…after all…it’s for his family…he can always go back to Big Bang anytime…he just needs time to breathe and freshen his mind up” YG hyung said and TOP hyung shook his head.

“If he’s retiring…then…let’s just disband Big Bang…performing with only four members on stage is totally going to …actually…I think this is also a sign that we should go and grow on our own…we’ve been in this group since we were young and now’s the time for us to do things…solo” TOP hyung said.

“Hyung’s right…we just have to disband Big Bang…after all…it won’t never be the same again without our leader” Youngbae said and I started crying.

“Yah! Yah! Yah! Why are you crying like a girl now? You should be happy because we let you go” TOP hyung said and I smirked.

“Hyung…what will be our next step now? How will the people know that Big Bang is already disbanding?” Youngbae asked and YG hyung sighed.

“Jiyong called for a press conference today…he will announce his retirement there and we can also break the news of your disbandment as well” YG hyung answered and I know that his heart is breaking once again.

I feel so sorry to the people that are going to be affected with my decision. I know that our fans will be hurt with this sudden disbandment, and I’m hoping that they’ll understand me.

“Maknae-ah” I called when I entered the recording studio.

“Lee Seunghyun…I know that you’re there inside the booth…open the door now and let’s talk” I told him but there’s no response.

“Yah! Are you ignoring hyung?” I asked and I heard the door clicked open.

“Why do you have to leave hyung?” Seungri asked the moment he walked out of the recording booth.

“I’ve decided to leave because my family is more important to me than my work…you guys are also important to me…that’s why to not taint or mess up your careers…I’ve decided to leave the group…you see…controversies have been thrown at me ever since day one and I just keep on ignoring them and keep moving on…I know that the reason why I’m performing is because I love being on stage and not to please other people…but when you’re already a family man and the controversies being thrown to you are already affecting your family…you will do anything just for these media people to stop messing them up…look at what’s happening to Clarise and me right now…we’re separated…the kids are like balls being passed on to one parent and another…that’s very painful for me…I don’t want my kids to grow up without both parents beside them…and I will do everything just to give them the life that they deserve…and to give them the peace that they needed…so maknae…please understand hyung…I’m sorry for making you feel bad” I told him and he hugged me with tears rolling down his cheeks.

“Hyung…I understand you now…it’s just hard to believe that you’re going to leave us…and you’re turning your back on music already…you’re born to be here…it’s just hard to see someone who is so close to music…turning its back from it” he said and I smiled at him.

“I will not stop making music…it will always be in my system…my world will still be filled with melodies and beats…we don’t know…maybe…I’ll come back after a few years” I said and he sighed.

“AISH! Hyung…why will you still come back? You already retired” he said and I slapped his arm playfully.

“Yah! I can still go back anytime I want” I said.

“Hyung…one more thing” he said and I waited for him to continue “promise me that before you officially retire…you will write a song for me that I can include in my solo album” he continued and I smirked.

“Arasso…I’ll make a trot for you” I teased and he looked at me in disbelief.

“Hyung