“Don’t choose the better guy. Choose the guy that’s going to make you a better girl”

Maybe we never really know how good we have it, until it’s gone. Now that G-dragon is slowly drifting away from me, I suddenly regretted the decisions that I made. I always tell myself that regrets are only for weak hearted people, but at this very moment, I can say that regret is embracing my whole being and my heart that is pretending to be strong is now unleashing its true self, its weakness.

Seeing him after a year and a half is really bittersweet. I am happy because I can see that he is doing well in his life, but sad because he’s not the man that I was expecting him to still be. He’d had a change of heart and seeing him with another girl is just too heavy for me to handle.

Honestly, I nearly begged G-dragon to come back to me the moment I saw Kiko wrapped her arms around him. I don’t know, but I felt this sudden pain that I’ve never felt for ages. I feel like I’ve lost a part of me. My mind is trying to save me by saying “it’s all done….move on…you’re the reason why you and him is in this situation so don’t ever do something stupid like begging him to come back”

Yes, I know that begging him to come back to me would really be pathetic and telling myself to move on is a real big joke coz I know that I will not be able to move on easily. It’s like, I’ve walked a hundred miles forward and in just a snap of a finger, I’ve made a big leap back. I’m in hot pit once again and it’s totally heartbreaking.

After talking with the boys, Khun and I went to my waiting room right away and that’s when I broke down. I don’t know, but I just found myself crying like a little kid whose desperate to get the newest toy but wasn’t able to get it. My world just turned upside down.

“Ishi” Khun sat beside me on the couch and started rubbing my back gently.

“I hate myself….I hate myself because I’ve made a very stupid decision and now I’m hurting so much….I don’t want to regret whatever I’ve done…but…I can’t help it…I feel like I just threw myself in hell” I cried harder and he pulled me for a hug.

“Stop it now…please…you’re breaking my heart” he said and I looked at him.

“Khun…I hate breaking people’s hearts….I’ve just broke the heart of the man that I really love…and now that he’s moving on…I feel like I’m locked in the past that even though I know nothing will happen between us anymore…I’m still holding on to that thin thread of hope that we’ll still be together again” I said and he sighed heavily.

“Why stick with him if you have me?” he asked all of a sudden and I looked at him strangely.

Here comes the part wherein I just want to stitch my lips together just to have a reason to not answer a particular question. I don’t know, but I feel like Khun is starting to be possessive and he became like that in a snap of a finger. I know that it’s just normal for guys to have this game face whenever they know that their “rival” is just around the corner, but he doesn’t even have to hold me too tight for one, we’re not even together, second, we don’t have commitments or whatsoever, third, I’m really not cool with guys who are possessive.

“Khun…please…I don’t want to answer that question” I told him and he shook his head.

“No Ishi…I think you have to answer it” he said and I took a deep breath.

“Want to know the truth? Fine!” I said and wiped my tears.

“Jiyong is the only man that I’m gonna love….I know that this might sound pathetic but I’ve realize it just now that it’s so impossible for me to forget him…I love you…but only as a friend…and I guess…that’s where it ends…I’ve tried Khun…I did all the best I could to convince myself to love you…not in a friendly way but romantically….and you know that so well…but…it seems like we’re just meant to be friends” I looked at him straight in the eyes and I can see that he’s breaking inside.

“That’s it? You tried? Really? Why didn’t I felt it? Ishi…all this time…all I can hear from you is Jiyong…Jiyong…Jiyong…yes…you are telling me that you have moved on already….but…it seems like you didn’t…you’re just fooled yourself all throughout just to get out of his shadow even for a while…and here I am…ready to catch you…I’ve given you all my spare time…been with you in your lowest moments…and even risked a lot….why? Why do you have to love him still? He’s got a new girl already! Haven’t you seen them? Why can’t you just forget him?” he asked in anger.

“Khun…are you hearing yourself? You are just digging up your own grave…you are just going to break your heart if you’re gonna push with this…I’m telling you” I said and he hissed.

“No...tell me what’s my stand in your life now…coz Ishi…you are slowly becoming my world if you haven’t noticed” he said and I gasped in shock.

This can’t be! I don’t want Khun to fall in love deeply. Yes, I know that I am also to blame why he’s in this situation right now for I let him in my life and didn’t even put limits. But then again, he knows so well and I’ve cleared everything to him that I’m not ready to enter a relationship and commit to anyone. I’ve tried so hard to love him in a different scale but I always go back to G-dragon.

“Khun…don’t make me your world…coz I’m totally a mess…and your perfect life would just crush and crumble right in front of your very eyes if you continue with this…please…stop it…you are a good friend of mine and I don’t want us to lose our friendship just because of love” I told him and he stood up.

“I will pull you out of from hell…you will see…..fine…I will not make you my world…but I’m not going to stop here….I will make you realize that I’m also capable of giving you happiness and love…more than  your ex” he walked out and it made me cry even more.

Great! Now, I’m nearly losing Khun as well. Why is that, every time you think that things are already doing well for you, here comes a huge wave of problems ready to you up? Is this normal or am I the only person in this world who is destined to be happy yet miserable?

I went back to my hotel with a messed up mind and bloodshot eyes. I told Eon to cancel my interviews after the show for I cannot face the press or the magazine people in this state. All I want to do is go to bed, curl into a ball and cry myself to sleep.

Morning came and my feelings are still heavy. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. All I want is to bring back the time. If only I know that we’ll end up like this, I should’ve his world up and embraced being a secret girlfriend.

“Alright! This is gonna be ugly” I said and dragged myself out of bed.

“Hey cry baby!” Eon said the moment I walked out of my room.

“Please…I don’t want to be reminded of yesterday” I told him, earning a smirk.

“Well…sorry to say but…you can’t run away from it at all” he placed a newspaper on the table in front of me.

“Look at that” he said and I got the newspaper.

OK. There’s a picture of me and G-dragon on the front page. It’s a shot when I nearly stumbled and he’s there to be my hero once again by catching me. Great! This is one damn thing.

“Why do they have to put this picture on the front page? What does this paper even say?” I asked for I can’t read Japanese.

“Well…it says there that you are really a beautiful young lady…totally y and fresh…I think…that’s just it” he answered and I find it really senseless.

“No…what I mean is…why did they put this picture of me and Jiyong when I’m sure that there’s a lot of pictures of me without him” I said and he shrugged.

“The article didn’t even say anything about you and him...oh well…I guess they just tripped on putting that for it really looks so sweet…kinda scandal worthy” he said and I rolled my eyes at him.

“Oh please! The guy already has a new girl” I said and started tearing the paper up.

“Woah! What are you doing?” Eon asked and I just keep on tearing the paper.

“I don’t know” I said and made the pieces of paper into a ball.

“Catch!” I threw it to Eon who is so lame and didn’t even catch it.

My schedule is packed for the whole afternoon and all I can do is go with it even if my m